Thursday, February 25, 2010
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Making a decision to turn my will over is a daily act for me. When fear takes over and sabotages any thoughts of positive outcomes I have to reel myself back in and realize I am not in charge. This comes as a daily shock for my ego. It is only after we wrestle to the ground that my spirit emerges victorious. Sometimes my ego wins when I can’t get past the long list of reasons why things will never work out.
As humans we are a sum total of every word and action we have experienced our whole life. What we choose to continue to believe is the stuff we have reinforced with our own inner voice. What we have repeated over and over until it is our truth. I have come to realize lately that I have a choice to interrupt this recording in my head and believe that the possibilities are limitless. Trusting in a power greater than myself I can move past the fear and know that everything will work out.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I took a little time off from my usual schedule to step back from my life and see if I could get a new perspective, some clarity. To stop my quest for truth for a few days and try to practice some acceptance of where I am and see if I could be ok with that. I am a restless person or I should say I have a restless mind that never stops. I realize now that even that statement indicates a quest of some kind.
So this week was for examining the shadows in my life and meditating on what I can accept as my truth and what might have once been truth for me is no longer relevant in my life. Can I accept the person I am today and be content and even happy with my life as it is today? Maybe.
With the help of a power greater than myself, I have voluntarily examined myself and sometimes been forced to see the truth hidden in the shadows. I am a better person for it and each day I begin again and accept that I am the best person I can be today and that is enough.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I was off yesterday not because of the holiday but because Monday is my day off. A friend suggested that we go out to my favorite spot on the planet. It never ceases to amaze me how no matter where I am emotionally I always feel better when I am there. The day started out warm and beautiful and then in the late afternoon began to cloud over and sprinkles on us. It didn’t matter we had finished walking and were headed back to the car.
We found four perfectly formed sand dollars among all the battered and broken shells. I have been collecting over the past couple of years during this part of my journey. They represent a promise of peace for me. I have spent many hours in this place and was glad to be there without so much pain in my heart. Everything passes eventually even when you don’t believe that it ever will.
We finished the day at a restaurant that we found with fish tacos and fresh guacamole and I couldn’t think of any place else I would rather be
Thursday, February 11, 2010
It is cold here just like everywhere else in the country but it is unusual for us sun lovers. We had a hard freeze a couple of weeks ago that killed a lot of plants back to the ground that usually winter over pretty well. I started thinking about the positive aspects of this starting over process. Nothing left but the essentials a fresh start. When a plant gets to over grown it energy has to support old foliage as well as promote growth. The old branches or leaves are spindly and not attractive they have served their purpose and the energy of the plant would be better used for new growth.
In my own life I don't usually have the courage to do my own pruning and rely on a hard freeze to take care of what is no longer working for me. The problem with that is it is all or nothing sometimes. I would like to get to a place where I am healthy enough to do my own pruning. So with spring just around the corner and I will have to see what emerges.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
On my way to work this morning I saw a group of college students running and that got me to thinking. Why do people run literally of figuratively? I have done a little running myself and it can be a quick answer or a simple distraction for the moment but then I always get back to what’s next.
I have had a lot of runners in my life and have often wondered what makes them run. Where are they running to and how long will they be gone and are they planning to come back?
Today I would like to run, run from the past and the future. I would like to be on some beautiful scenic trail on a warm sunny day with no decisions to be made without a destination only freedom ahead of me.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary and I can’t help but think about what might have been for just a moment. I really have a lot of gratitude for that relationship mainly because it brought me to the program of Alanon.
We were very young and brought a lot of pain from our childhoods to the relationship. His father was an alcoholic and after his mother died from a brain tumor at eleven, his father drank non-stop for three years. When his father met his wife to be, he got sober. My husband had a lot of anger towards his dad for the drinking years and when his dad got sober he felt guilty that he didn’t accept the new person his dad had become. With this pain my husband drank and that increased until it ultimately destroyed our relationship.
He moved on and I was left to deal with my own issues. The death of my mother at eleven had the same effects on me and I lost my father to grief and the choices he made in his own grief. I can understand that now how when you’re in pain and you don’t have a support system that you do anything that makes you feel better regardless of how that affects anyone around you. Grief is not rational and cannot be controlled it must run its course. I have experience this myself and know that you do the best you can until it is over.
I know today that he really did love me and I also know that there was nothing that I could have done to change the effects of alcoholism on him. Not that I didn’t try everything before ultimately surrendering my will and my life.
In the early years we never really had enough money for him to give me roses for our anniversary with it being so close to Valentines so he always bought me tulips. So I have always had a fondness for tulips for this reason.
So where ever he is today he is part of my story. The story that changed my life forever and I wish him love and peace on our anniversary.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I had a good day yesterday and felt at peace, something that hasn’t been a staple in my life for longer than I want to admit. This morning I had a lot of people from my past show up and not show up in a dream. Today I have been sorting out the meaning of the dream. In the dream I was going to a party expecting to meet someone and they never showed up and then there were some other characters from my past that did.
I don’t believe in dream interpretation but I do think that sometimes your dreams tell you what you are working on. A friend was over last night and we were looking at old photos from about 20 years ago. I looked stylish and put together but I was living with active alcoholism and did not know of the impending meltdown heading my way.
It was a long time ago and I survived and actually the loss of that relationship changed the course of my life in a good way. I had to wake up and begin to address what was really ailing me and start the process of my own recovery. It hasn’t be all smiles and giggles but worth it.
I have a lot of anniversaries coming up this month and I will have to work at keeping the past in perspective. Two lines from the Promises of AA come to mind. We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
So for today I will practice acceptance of myself and the decisions I have made in my life that have lead me to where I am today. In my dreams I hope to find what I am looking for or something better.