Monday, August 19, 2013

Boot Camp - Being new
I feel like I have signed up for design boot camp.  I am super busy and exhausted to the point of being punchy. It feels good to be really busy but my mind is so stimulated that I have entered that manic phase.

I spent the day alone with myself yesterday just trying to wind down from turning my world upside down.

I have run into some big personalities at my new place. Someone complained about me asking them questions. She told me that they weren't training me very well and I said " as far as I know no one is officially training me and the best I could do is ask people questions when I don't know something."

Because I own my own business and have done this for 10 years I expect they assume I will figure things out for myself which is true.   It is the products and procedures that I don't know. My first morning I couldn't even figure out how to turn my office lights on. This might be a theme for me no lights in my office.

I already feel more at home there than I do here so that is good. My customers here are starting to come out of the woodwork now that I am leaving. It seems the universe is thumbing her nose at me saying see you acted too quickly. I do feel like a quitter some days but mostly I am too busy to think about it.

I am happy to be older and to have experience with failure. When you have failed not being perfect is a lot easier.  I am okay not knowing what I am doing a lot of the time. I am the new person after all and it only bothers me a little that that woman complained about me. She in the office next to mine and I will surely be asking more questions.

I don't look at life the way I use to and my spiritual melt down taught me that not too many things are really that important. I will do my best but I am not willing to play the game anymore. I am really just not that interested. I know where people are coming from because I use to be there.  I took life so personall I was a victim and thought it was other peoples job to make me feel good about myself. They really weren't that interested.

Today I will focus on today and tomorrow I will be back in boot camp up to my eye balls in things I don't know. In time it will be routine and I will be bored so for now I will just enjoy the ride and try not to take myself too seriously.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Just me - Just today - Living without a story

I am at the old office today. It feels weird being here. I met with my final customer and told them I was leaving. They said they would follow me where ever I went. How nice.

I am feeling good about moving on. My ego has shut up about the selling out thing. Who cares everything is exactly as it should be. I can change my mind and do something different at anytime.

I am letting go of the story in my head. The one that included a long relationship with my partner and building a stumbling business into a thriving business. It was mostly in my head and not likely to ever turn out that way in real life.

If I could tell anyone the one thing that has changed my life the most it would be this. Give up your story. The story in you head of how things should have been and the story in your head of how things should be. It didn't happen  and will never happen exactly the way you thought it would or should so you got to get over it.

We suffer because real life never matches the stories we have in our head. This is why we never see things as they are and are devastated when something doesn't work out. Life isn't like the movies or at least the ones where everything goes as planned.

I went into deep depression because my life didn't match the story in head. What was worse is the years it did kind of match I was miserable too. When I realized I had no idea what would make me happy since it wasn't what I thought would make me happy my mind totally froze.

I couldn't move on because I was afraid and wasn't sure which way to go. I stayed stuck afraid I was going to make a mistake.

The depression lifted. What changed is I finally accepted that I knew nothing. I stopped pretending to know what I needed to do to make myself happy. I sat there for as long as it took. I was no longer the person I imagined I was or would be in the future. I let go of the idea that I would ever be the person I was again.

Pretty bleak stuff, I know, I was living it.

I don't know anything. That is what saved my life. I accepted that it was beyond my power to be any where but where I was for as long as it took. I had to stop caring about how long it was going to take to get better.

Today I am free because my happiness doesn't depend on whether real life matches the story in my head. I try not to have a story and if I do I try not to make my happiness dependant upon it. My story today is more flexible and can be adjusted on a day by day basis.

I have boiled my story down to just me just today.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Humbled - Fake it until you make it.

Last nights model
What can make you really humble? Start a new job where you know nothing and everyone else knows everything. I ask myself "why do you do this every ten years?"

My ego is totally freaked out that I have to accept that I don't know anything. I want to just run away but of course no one but me expects me to know anything. It is so uncomfortable to be here again.

My inside critic is telling me I have made the wrong decision.  Luckily my spiritual mature side knows that it is really too soon to tell.  It says "just relax and see how it goes."

Why is it we expect to be instantly good at something and compare ourselves to people that have been doing it for much longer than us?  It takes courage to be a rookie at anything.

Last night at my drawing class everyone was telling the teacher that wished they were as good as he is at drawing. Like he woke up one morning an expert. He has a degree in art and has taught drawing at the college level for five years.

I don't like feeling so awkward but it is also really good for me. I have been feeling less than challenged at my job for awhile now. All the products are new and learning the products will be a challenge.

Fake it until you make it. That is my plan. Wish me luck.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Flying by the seat of my pants - Something new
My new work life has started  with my old life not even close to being wrapped up. I feel I am straddling two boats that are quickly drifting apart. It feels weird to be doing something different going someplace different and having new co-workers.

I took a leap and went to work for another company. It is weird actually having people other than customers to work with each day.  I have been isolated a lot over the past few years especially this year.

I have a new office and a new computer to go along with the new co-workers.  Yesterday I panicked a little with all the information coming at me. My mind has been coasting for awhile now and is now realizing that the vacation is over. I don't mind I am ready.

I have done just about all the soul searching and spiritual work someone can do with all the alone time. It has been one big 4th step digging for anything buried that might be holding me back. My bags are pretty light and for that I am grateful.

I need to prove to myself that I have still got it.  Luckily out of the six people I am working with I am actually the youngest so at least I can't use the old card as an excuse. I was scared yesterday and wanted to run away. I always think somehow other people are quicker than me. It may be true sometimes but I can hold my own. I eventually work things out for myself and usually develop a system that make things easier for me.

There is drama there with all those personalities. One person has a kind of negative view and tells me just how hard it is to get things done and how unfair things are there. I have found that too much time with them and I feel discouraged like I am climbing a big mountain.

Luckily we are pretty independent so besides my training we won't be hanging out much.  I forgot about office politics I am the kind of person that ignores that kind of stuff unless it affects me personally. I was never good at playing the game.

I am working my first showroom duty today with two other people. I know nothing about the product so I will be flying by the seat of my pants. Wish me luck.