Motivation - Gratitude - Depression

Motivation.  I have been lucky in my life that I am a very motivated person in our house we were taught that you need to be constantly contributing.  I think it is more than that for me I always want to be moving forward and I am really uncomfortable just relaxing and taking a time out.

The act of doing is just who I am. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as a kid annoyed because I had to come in and eat dinner. I had things to get done and eating was low on my priority list.  My mother compromised and would agree if I ate the vegetables on my plate I could leave the table.  This took about a minute and then I would be gone. 

In my life I have always been motivated except when depressed. When the depression was related to grief I never  feel guilty or beat myself up for doing nothing. I was doing something I was grieving and that took all my energy.

When my life went black and I experience something past grief more like shock I felt paralyzed and unable to do anything and I hated myself. I believed that I would feel that way forever and for that reason I didn't want to live. I tried all my usual tricks to get past this comatose existence and nothing worked.  

This is depression on a scale that is hard to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My brain constantly worked on a solution for the nothing I felt. This searching went on 24/7 without a break.  In the past when I experience grief I took to my bed and could sleep 12 hours to escape the sadness and loss. This time I was different I couldn't sleep.

I have to repeat this story on days like today because I am not motivated to do anything on my mental list. It is my day off and I feel flat. I had an exhausting week and was irritable all day yesterday and knew I needed to not take on anything big.  I read a book and did my laundry hoping that today I would get something done. I am still un-motivated today.

I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do feel better. I am listening to old 70's Rock where singers other than the originals are singing the songs. Really good but just a tiny bit off. When I am flat I have to remember that this is what happens when I need a time out. Being bored and uninspired is when your mind and spirit is regrouping.

I do want to say one more thing my depression. It was triggered by a life changing event out of my control. I didn't seek medical help because I didn't have insurance eventually I did and found out that my thyroid was out of wack. I had stopped eating because I was just not interested and this didn't help. When I started getting treated for my thyroid my mood swings leveled off and I started eating again. The shock of my situation affecting my physically as well as emotionally. 

With my depression I never considered a physical connection I just thought I have to just hang in there and hope tomorrow will be better. After a long recovery and I am grateful that I did recover and my self hatred changed to compassion and I am grateful not to be there anymore. I can appreciate that it is okay not to feel motivated every day. 

Seasons of life - Reflection - Gratitude

I am feel like I have come out on the other side of my grief period.  The winter months have a lot of history for me and no matter whether I acknowledge it or not it is there in the back ground.  This year it was front and center from Thanksgiving to my mother's death anniversary the 15th.  In my mind I am thinking "get over it" but that isn't always possible. 

I don't really sit back and dwell on the events it just is an underlying sadness. Working with my ex has brought it front and center.  Just like in our relationship we are polite and pretending there is nothing unusual going on.  "Lets Just Pretend"  this can make a relationship last a long time. I tried to break through this for years but every effort ended badly me feeling like I was the villain and caused pain and suffering by wanting more.

My dad was just like that he wanted everything in Pleasantville to be pleasant. How can you complain when you have only peace in your home.  I can remember my mother trying to force my dad to give his opinion but he never did.  He would give you a string of facts about any subject he had knowledge about to help you make your decision. I loved my daddy but he seemed faraway even when he was right there with you. 

So I met someone like my dad. It was a good relationship and I felt secure there for a long time but I was lucky that I was forced to move on even if it feels like I haven't sometimes.  I am not that person so many years ago. It was a season of my life where I stayed busy with life until it hit a bump and everything I thought was important got taken from me and I had to choose whether to live or not.  

It took me a long time to decide. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't trust myself anymore after choosing the wrong person for the second time. I lost the person I was and had to decide what to do next. A forced spiritual awakening that I don't recommend to anyone. It was necessary for me to come back to myself and love myself whether anyone else did or not. I stayed in a relationship where I was lonely because I thought who am I to want more.  

I don't believe in regret - what's the point? Every moment of our lives shapes us into the person we are today. I could make a long list of how my life would be different in a bad way without that relationship. I am grateful and mature enough at this point to see that. 

Drama - Crazy Makers - Peace

I have gotten through my grief and feel happy again. I have to remember that with every dip I always come back higher than before it began. My spirit is processing something and if I can just hang with it I will reach the other side. I am always changing and if I don't resist it will happen quicker.  I just have to trust myself and all the work I have done to find peace. 

I had a curious dinner with my next door neighbor. Only the second time I have been in her house.  The first time I was invited it was when I was in my darkest place without any social boundaries. Someone ask me how I came about living next door and I told them my story. I was so raw then and didn't have the energy to consider how the other person might receive what was said. That was ten years ago and since then her husband passed from a long term heart problem. 

If is not likely that if you are asked a question that anyone really wants to know a sad answer. No one wants to hear that you aren't well. During this small get together the topic of the day was food and the latest heart healthy recipes. In contrast I was trying to decide if I wanted to live so it was awkward for everyone.

This week during our 3 hour dinner we found out we have a lot in common but most of what we have in common was the person I was before. She loves astrology - acupuncture - meditation - psychics - liberal politics.  She even has a program to do your chart based on your time of birth. I used to use all these things as a way to encourage myself to try to feel better. I am at peace now not looking for outside answers.

All spiritual roads lead to same place is what I know now. All these things are interesting and entertaining but they are not a destination. When I was girl I used astrology books to make myself feel better about who I was and even hid one under my mattress. Astrology in my world was of the devil but I loved hearing good things about myself it was the only positive input I was ever going to get. The beginning of a life where I had to pat myself on the back to keep going. 

Once my stepmother was plundering my room as she often did and found my book and I was grounded for a few months. I bought another one and kept it at school.  I learned quickly that life was only about survival.  You can only trust yourself and sometimes not even yourself. I have used many methods to find security and safety for myself.  Hanging the serenity prayer in my first apartment at sixteen. God has taken care of me even though I haven't always believed in God.

What I do believe in is something greater than myself at least my physical self. I do believe that there is a higher self within us that is outside the limitations of our conscious mind. This spirit is always trying to nudge you towards what is right for you. It is only drowned out by the basic human fears that we face everyday. We run towards anything that can give us temporary relief from feeling uncomfortable.

Throughout my life I have learned to first see how my own thoughts were hurting me and then start to change those thoughts with whatever means possible. I am not helpless in an irrational world I can focus on bringing my own mind and body to a place of harmony and gratitude. 

Our emotions are mixed with the people around us like it or not.  If we can feel secure in our own peace others people will not be able to affect us.  This takes stepping back from the crazy makers in our lives and knowing that we can choose to not get caught up in the drama. Drama only works when it is fed.

It is hard to break this cycle and it will make them try harder to bring you back in but it is your choice. It is always your choice even if you feel trapped by your circumstances you can decide to just choose peace in your mind. Physically the other person can sense the change and it will disengage them even if it only for a moment. 

I think with the recent dip I have moved through another spiritual level. I have reached a point where I can just trust myself to be enough for any situation.  I can stop thinking I need to be more or I need to be like someone else. I know myself well and my inner self will guide me through the ups and downs and I will be alright. Life feels random but the more grounded in peace that we are the less we will be shaken by it.  

The truth - Forgiving ourselves - Self-care

I had to drive north about an hour for an appointment on Thursday. It is a beautiful drive and I decided to put in an old Dixie Chicks CD and while listening tears started running down my face.

I was surprised by this and wondered what was going on. It was the first CD they made after their country music fall from grace.  It has some great come back songs that everyone can relate to but this isn't what moved me.  I bought this CD just before my own life imploded. 

One sound with these words "I love the silence you create for me." I thought I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with and they understood me. It turns out that this was in my mind only and almost laughable now. We create our reality mostly in our heads and refuse to see the truth mainly because it is just to hard to accept. 

If I had known that my life was about to break open and it would lead me to the darkest times of my life I would have stopped living. 

I lost everything that defined who I thought I was during that time. My relationship, my home my career.  It was so devastating that it sent me into to menopause overnight. Most of my friends ran from me because the person they knew was missing. I knew I was missing too but there was nothing I could do about it.

What happened me I think was caused by my inability to accept the changes being forced on me. I could no longer identify with the person I thought I was up until then. The stress of it all caused my body and mind to start rejecting itself.  I didn't get help because I thought I could handle it myself. 

I shut down and walked through my life like a robot. I showed up when it was absolutely necessary but when it wasn't I sat alone and stared or I walked in the woods alone. Being with other people felt like putting on a sandpaper suit. I had one person who let me just be without expectation. 

I thought about ending my life everyday mainly because I couldn't imagine feeling this empty and uninterested in life forever. What would be the point in continuing was what I was thinking.  I was past grief and sadness and really felt nothing. The more I tried to figure out how I got there the worse I felt.  I finally just quit and just accepted that this is the new me.

I didn't act on my feelings because of some great reverence for life but it required me to do something. I told myself everyday that I could decide again tomorrow. I remember one moment I heard a voice in my head say "you are doing this to yourself." What did that mean?

I sat with that for a long time and realized that I was punishing myself for not being enough. I believed that there was something about me that caused these losses in my life. I thought that I was, at the core, not lovable and I had proof.  I had list of the rejections or blatant indifference from the people who said they loved me.  No one wanted me.

I thought I was a strong person and was happy to take care of other people. I am strong but I also have needs even if I never acknowledged them. I finally turned this self care back to myself and decided to be enough for me first instead of always looking outside myself for proof that I am lovable.  

I know what happened to me was both physical and mental. I was too out of it to care about what was happening to me. When I finally went to the doctor my thyroid was barely working and I was close to Hashimoto's disease. Living in crisis had exhausted my body's ability to function and my brain wasn't working right either. 

My recovery was slow and with time I started to function better. I never have returned to the person I was before and for that I am grateful. I am worthy of the love and care I give myself today. I can't say enough the role that food has played in the way I think. My mind is clear and I am happy.  Our emotions are fueled by the food we eat.

The tears those songs brought to my eyes were tears of gratitude.  I can forgive the past even if I can't always forget it. I can see that I was a child emotionally in that relationship looking for something that no person can give you - unconditional love. 

I can make that drive now and see the beauty in the surrounding marshes and enjoy being alive.  I can forgive myself for being lost so many years missing what was there all along. The gift of today and all it has to offer me.  

 

Relationship Zombie - Too late to take a leap

We had such hopes for 2021 but it looks like we will have to hold on a little longer. I am sad for the Texans that expected to have their state make sure they had electricity and water.  This same event did happen a decade ago and many promises were made but just like every human on earth it doesn't take long before it is business as usual.

How can we ever get the people in charge to choose people over money. I really don't think it is totally about greed I think it is about the game of achievement. Most of the successful people that we know are focused on the next moment the next thing and are disconnected from the reality of the people they are affecting. 

They are just filling their 24 hours the same as the rest of us and just like us are so far removed from what is happening to other people.  I feel that way myself on weeks where I am so busy I don't remember much about what happen. 

This week we had a death of someone that made their wealth spewing hate without any regret. Spending the last six months on this earth inflicting as much damage as possible. I know his persona started out really as a joke just being as absurd as possible.  The more outrageous the more popular he became and the more rich he became.  Getting lost in the person he had become with addiction underneath. 

I think at some point there is no turning back, even if you want to, there is that moment where you become who people expect you to be it is just easier to go with it. We have all done it to a certain degree just went along because this is what is expected. We feel empty and too afraid to take a leap of faith to shake things up. What if every one leaves me and I am alone and no one loves me?

I wish I could say I took that leap willingly but it was forced on me because I had become a zombie even if I couldn't see it myself. I was always doing what I thought other people expected me to do instead of searching for my own inner dreams. I didn't mean to become a zombie but I wanted to be loved and this is how I earned loved by giving you what I thought you wanted. 

I didn't think I was lovable unless I met your every need before you even asked. This resulted in my love being flat and predictable and invisible. It is human nature to like things to be the same and also be attracted to excitement at the same time. Someone else took the leap to make there new dream happen leaving me behind.

I am grateful to be myself today even if my life is different. I can be at peace with the person I have become today. I am also grateful to have power and water. I do wake up every morning and stating out loud the things I am grateful for this includes - Hot shower - my house - my car - my neighborhood - my city - my state - my country and the world. Silly I know but it wakes me up to what is important.  You never know about tomorrow.

Choosing happiness - Living with what is real

I am feeling a little down the past few days like I am caught in some sludge moving at a snails pace. I had some news yesterday that didn't help after having some trouble with my ac it turns out I need a new motor.  This wasn't expected since the unit isn't that old. I am not sure at this point whether it is in warranty period we are talking a couple of thousand. 

I also went to the dentist and they want to do some work there to which is evasive and costly. I feel a little deflated at this point but I am grateful that I have the means to do both of the these things. It will slow down my saving plan but that is what saving is for isn't it. A rainy day which is what a lot of people are experiencing right now. 

It doesn't help that I started a weight lifting routine this week and have felt like I was in a car accident. It shows me that I really need to get into shape. I am grateful that physically I don't have any real problems since I have changed my diet and I have committed to increasing my stamina with weights.

The limitations we put on ourselves are in our mind. Planted by the media both the good and the bad it has shaped us in ways we will never really know. It gives us the idea that if you are older you are limited in what you can do physically. There are a lot of women over 60 defying that notion - sculpting there bodies in ways that no one could image was possible. This good media. 

I was raised on TV with my mother sick no one monitored the hours I spent there. TV was what kept me busy when no on had time for me. It made me believe in a world of happiness and sunshine that never really existed. When I couldn't find it I blamed myself thinking I had done something wrong. I tried even harder and when things went right I thought I was doing something right but it never lasted and then I went back to blaming myself again.

I thought I controlled the happiness in my life even though I always felt like something bad was lurking in the shadows and I was right. What I didn't realize was that life consist of ups and downs all the time. Everyone has there sadness to bear and it is how you face those trials that makes the difference. 

I have found happiness not like those TV movies on Hallmark where everyone is happy with great jobs and the perfect mate but in enjoying the day that is before me. I can choose not to waste it. To pay attention to what is happening today and find peace and joy. 

There is a lot of good things in my life and for that I am grateful and luckily the weather is perfect and I don't need my ac this week while I am getting this sorted out. 

Happiness - Change - Gratitude

I have been in a little slump this past week and feeling guilty about my lack of gratitude. I haven't felt inspired at work or at home for no reason I can put my finger on.  I remember a friend saying to me one time "do you think you are suppose to happy every day?"  I had to think about that and I guess I did think that then and maybe I do now.

Happiness is a pretty hard thing to define.  I guess for me it is more like contentment and being in the moment. It is only my mind that can ruin the day for me now.  Don't get me wrong day to day stuff can really test you and nobody likes ugly surprises. I don't stay there long I have learned to not let much of anything take away my peace.  It is only thinking of the big picture that disturbs me.

I often think that I should be doing more with my life than I am. Sometimes I think that is just my ego thinking the world can't live without my great talents.  Other times I think the lack of forward action on my part is me not willing to go the extra mile.  Instead when I am not working I find myself spending many hours watching TV or working on my house.

In the past I have had the life where every second was filled with supporting other people. In my personal life, my work life and even my spiritual life. I was always really busy but exhausted all time and over the years I have backed away from those obligations. Now I just encourage the people I interact with everyday when the opportunity arises.

I have spent a lot of my life dealing with some kind of crisis feeling like I just wanted to get through the day.  I felt like this for decades and suddenly my life is only filled with the normal ups and downs and it is unsettling sometimes. This is old patterns of thinking from my childhood just staying a few steps in front of that tiger chasing me through the jungle. With time that feeling of excitement can feel normal and finding peace feeling so strange. I have regrets about those crisis years I missed so many moments of happiness just wanting to be somewhere else.

I am grateful to not be the person I use to be and writing this has helped me to be happy today. The good thing about finding peace is that it gives you time to live life more deliberately.  The good thing about feeling unsettled is that it does eventually motivate you to make changes. I am off to work now and happy to have a job I love.

What is really important - Coping with life

I left work an hour early today feeling a little sad and tired.  The sun hasn't shown itself in a few days that could be part of it but mainly because I also spent the afternoon with a client whose daughter was paralyzed this past year in a car accident. She is only 14 and they are renovating their home to give her better access.

I wasn't looking forward to the appointment because I wasn't sure the state of mind they would be in at this point.  I have been dealing with a friend of theirs until today.  I was surprised by the energy and humor their daughter had. Are we more resilient at 14 or maybe it is the personality that we are born with that decides how quickly we adapt.

I can't image the pain their family has endured to get to the point of functioning again. This is when you think "what is the plan?" Is there some get spiritual plan where this all is happening for a reason?  I am going to say no at this point and yield to my theory that life is random and you just have to make the best of what is handed out to you. I think we are in a better place when we look back and can see the gifts a bad situation has given us. The divine plan helps us to have closure.

I can tell myself to be grateful you have what you have today and that you are not being asked to accept the unthinkable. What about the mother seeing an knowing the trials ahead for her daughter.  What about the drivers involved knowing that a young girl's life has changed forever.  How would you not think about the millions of choices you could have made differently that day to prevent this outcome?

Life can deal out some pretty terrible cards and you just have to keep on playing like it or not. A mother with three other children can't stop an mourn the loss of the dream she had for her daughter. She has to just keep moving that is all anyone can do until healing take place and we accept this is the new norm.

I will say that as humans we can adapt to just about anything thrown at us. Some do it with grace and some do it by diving off the deep end either way it is still coping. We emerged changed forever and in my experience with a new reality about life and what is really important.

Security and Peace - The search is over

I have spent my life trying to feel safe.  I never felt secure after I lost my mother early on and this drove me to look constantly for security.  I felt like I had lost something and I needed so desperately to find it.

When I found new love the first time I thought "this is it " this was the thing I had been missing.  I gripped it so tightly but as we all know that first love feeling doesn't last.  I was too young to know that then and blamed myself for the failure of those early relationships.  I was not good enough is what I believed. 

I searched next for a different kind of love and found my first addiction relationship. It was a fierce love and the intensity of that love made me feel safe. It was intoxicating and we were the same touching the parts of us that needed to feel safe.  Unfortunately you can't do that for someone else. It only works when the neediness is equal if there is a crisis where one person needs the other person more can bring it all crashing down. I learned in this relationship it was not safe fo me to be needy.

After experiencing that I moved on to loyalty and routine. Another broken person but not so volatile it felt safer a daily routine.  A loved and felt love for awhile and it seemed like a good bet for feeling secure.  I didn't jump in like I had all the other relationships I had been burned and wanted to try something different. It was good for long while but I still felt lonely a lot.  I definitely got the security I thought I wanted but the trade off was that I was alone in a relationship.

When I lost that relationship I turned to God and sought out very intensely the meaning of life.  Spirituality and something greater than myself had always been part of my personal beliefs but at this time I needed it to be more and it replaced that search for someone physical to satisfy me. Just like all intense relationships it didn't sustain me or make me feel safe.

When I step back and see that my life has been spent looking for something that doesn't really exist I feel somehow relieved that I can let go.  There isn't one person or even God that can give me that security the young girl in me wants so badly.  I can be free now to just enjoy everyday life and the miracles that present themselves.

Wanting all the time kept my mind busy and it me exhausted. I can now be content to just be here and be grateful.  I do still rely on the wisdom I got from having a spiritual journey and I do think that collectively those that believe in something greater than themselves are usually happier.

The world on its own isn't a loving place and being with other people that have found some peace is inspiring.  Maybe because we are positive unit a spiritual energy together.  It sounds weird but we are all connected and we can carry peace to others with just our presence every day.

Chunks of time - Living now - Uncertainty

I called my nephew last night to see how he was doing.  They are about to have their first baby and we are within days of the projected due date.  I wanted to see how they were doing emotionally they both have a lot of responsibilities plus they haven't been married but a few years and are still sorting out their places.

I fear that he is like his father living in his own universe not realizing that other people are experiencing things different than he his.  He has a lot of charisma and can talk anyone into anything and smooth over any situation.  I think he works hard at being what is expected and in the long run he will have to find out who he really is and what he wants. He wife is strong willed and will definitely challenge him along the way. When we are young we make everything so complicated trying to live up to the picture we have of ourselves or what we think other people expect of us.  These are just ideas in our own mind and not actually what other people are thinking most of the time.

During my call I stressed to him the importance of this moment with his wife the last time they will be top priority in their lives. Just to enjoy each day instead of wishing for tomorrow and for the arrival of a child that will change their relationship forever. It will be a happy change but change nevertheless.

My point is to not to live in the future.  The future in our mind is always better and happier than we imagine today is going to be.  I have always worked towards a goal or at the least worked to get past today's problem.  I would say "if only this would happen then things will settle down."  I missed big chunks of my life getting over what was happening today.

When you are in a crisis mentally or spiritually you can be lost in your thinking and really miss some important stuff going on.  I have pretty much always done this all my life thinking  that I would find that place of joy and peace around the next corner. The critic in me analyzing every situation looking to improve what is into something better.  If only this was happening instead of this or if they were different then things would be nicer.

I learned to tolerate life instead of living it.  A lot of the time I did see the abundance I had so much materially that I didn't feel that I dared ask for more even if I felt lonely and isolated. Compared to living with an alcoholic my last relationship was a never ending vacation.  I felt guilty wanting more emotionally and just kept my mouth shut. This is why it lasted as long as it did.

I don't believe in mistakes or regret because what is the point?  We learn from every experience and build from that hoping to make better choices next time and I did. I had a lot to overcome in my life emotionally with the death of my mother and having to raise myself.  I didn't know what I taught myself was wrong expecting that I could find something or someone out there that would make me feel permanently safe. After her death that is all I longed for was how I felt as a child before she died. Safe.

We can't changed the uncertainty of life.  We can imagine that we are safe in our relationships or our physical situation but that can change in a moment forever.  In this life in this day it is our responsibility to look around and see what is happening now and who it there now with us. To enjoy the gift of today.

Overall I have had a good life.  I have endured some pretty scary emotional things but I did come out stronger on the other side and I know that I can't worry or predict the next unhappy situation.  I can just trust that I will do what I need to do to make it through to the other side.  What I can do is appreciate the day and what I have right here in front of me.  All is well in this moment.

Storm - Gratitude

We have had a lot going on here in the south and some of us are just starting to feel normal.  I was lucky and didn't have any damage to my property.  The other two people on my team are part of the 6% here that still don't have power here.

My neighborhood isn't even in an evacuation zone even though I am on a river inlet. A huge tree came down on an adjacent street.  It landed on top of a van parked in the driveway. With Mathew last year most of the older more brittle trees fell so I was surprised to see it down.

Two friends were staying with me for the main part of the storm one had been evacuated from a high rise at the beach. All went well and they were able to go home after two days.  I got my power back the second day and we were all back to work by Wednesday.

Our phones and Internet were off and on at work and people have been coming in when they couldn't get us on the phone. One customer stopped by in person to make sure I was able to run their credit card and get their carpet ordered before the storm on Friday.

Life goes on and we are lucky we can adapt to whatever happens to us. For most of us here we are feeling grateful that we were missed. Getting back to work was a blessing. It felt like coming back after you have been out sick for a week. Like I was in a fog.  With no email and Internet it gave us an extra day to come out of the fog.

I am grateful to be working and not dealing with the loss they felt in the Keys and the Islands. Paradise has it's drawbacks but for most of the time it is worth it.  I wonder if after this there will be a northern migration.

I don't belong - Losing my place - no where in particular

I have had a lot on my mind through the holidays.  It is never the best time for me emotionally sometimes I can just be satisfied with being neutral,  This year a few things came up that I really didn't understand.  The feeling manifesting in an under current of irritability festering on top of resentments and ultimately ending by blaming myself for screwing things up.

When I first entered the program I became part of a group where one person kinda served as the social planner and matriarch of the group.  About ten of us did all kinds of things together and at the holidays those of us that do not have family here would spend our holidays together.  This has been going on and off for about twenty years. Really.

This year it was announced oddly at a meeting that they wanted to spend Christmas alone.  When I stopped by the day after I was given a detail account of all the people that were there and what a fun time they had.

I had spent Christmas with a friend alone the third day in a row of cooking and eating together.  I felt out of sorts and really couldn't put my finger on why.  The marathon cooking did remind me of the past and the life I use to have that life involved a lot people. Back then I did enjoy the cooking but I am no longer that person and cooking three days in a row for just two felt like drudgery.

After hearing how great Christmas was where I am normally invited made me really sad. I realized I am no longer part of that inner circle the one place where I once felt like was my chosen family.  I no longer fit in there but whose to blame but me.  During my dark time I dropped out of the circle and lost my place and now my pool of close friends is smaller than ever. Blaming myself was the reason for my own sadness and irritability.

I know where is my gratitude? I was able to sort this out by admitting that I don't really fit with those friends anymore.  I have moved on just like they have but the issue is an old one "I don't belong anywhere" it an old story that I tell myself when my life doesn't look the way I thought it would look at any given time. Also telling myself that my life is small with mostly work.

I would like my life to be bigger and to have more moments of joy and laughter with friends but the truth is I love my work and I meet new fun people every day. It challenges me every day and I need that. This is more than most people can say.  I chose my work and mostly I love it.

Time has passed and I am also grateful that I came out of the dark even if this means I lost some friends along the way.  I worked through some pretty painful ideas I had about myself not being worthy of love because everyone I have loved has rejected me. So being rejected this Christmas brought up those feelings.

I  have realized that I can't define myself by how other people treat me.  Everyone is busy being the star of their own drama and they aren't paying attention to my wants and needs.  It isn't personal and when I went to the dark side I wasn' thinking of them I was just trying to save myself.  I did just that with the help of my own higher power.  It could have turned out differently and this post would not exist.  So I wouldn't change a thing.

You can't go back and do things over and you can't go back and crawl into the spaces where you once felt safe and secure. I know that security is an illusion and as you grow spiritually you learn to feel safe just where you are no matter what the day may brings. Today I am happy even if I don't belong anywhere in particular I am still here.

Gratitude - Grace - Depression - Letting Go

I went to the dentist this week and my dental hygienist told me about a friend that was severely depressed.  She recently divorced and lost her design business.  She said she doesn't talk to anyone and has tried unsuccessfully to kill herself.  Mostly she just sits and stares. She is on anti-depressants and they seem to be making her worse. 

I shared my story and my recovery explaining that I felt that my own break began with the shock of several things happening at the same time.  The ending of a 13 year relationship, having to move and then the recession making my own business virtually disappear.  The trauma sent m instantly into menopause and hyper-thyroidism I couldn't functions.  I thought about ending my own life mostly because I didn't think I could live another day without any emotions. 

I didn't consider anti depressants I did consider hormones but my mind was so convinced that we could work through this like we had always done.  That it was just grief and it would pass.  It was painful to be around other people and it was painful for them to be around me.  Someone actually told me that at one point. I couldn't be around anyone that needed or expected anything from me.  I couldn't be cheered up I was past that point.

During that time all I wanted to do is be outside.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat it is a miracle that I was able to find my way out of this blackness. I had no interest in anything.  I once went to an antique mall with a friend and I couldn't even look around. I felt so disconnected that I told her I was going to sit outside and wait for her.  It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing.  I wasn't sad I was void of any emotions. She said she couldn't see me anymore.  I thought "I wish I couldn't see me anymore".  I didn't blame her.

Looking back I can see that there was a lot different things going on. Some were definitely spiritual and emotional.  I didn't take the medical route because I didn't have insurance that would cover a bunch of tests or prescriptions. The one person that was able to hang with me did finally buy me some over the counter progesterone.  Amazingly it helped just enough to give me hope of something better.

I had many spiritual breakthroughs about the lack of love I had for myself.  How everything I had done before was done to meet the needs of others so they would love me and they did until they didn't anymore. I did stop doing for others and it confirmed my worse fears most everyone disappeared. So it was true I wasn't worthy of love just being myself wasn't enough. 

How bleak is that?  I didn't know where to go I had already exhausted every spiritual route.  I did have a breakthrough on the porch one day. I felt like I heard "you're doing this to yourself"  You could also say this was me blaming me again. Was it really that simple?  Maybe.

Of course it wasn't that simple but at least it was a start.  I knew I couldn't trust the thoughts I was having as reality.  I did decide that day to just accept who I had become and move on.  This was evidently the new me and I had to live with it.  The search to find the person I lost was so exhausting my mind was constantly looking for a solution. This kept me stuck and kept me from healing.

I started to rest where I was and things started to get better.  Over the years some parts of me have come back and others have not. I don't mind.  I am grateful that I have made it through to the other side stronger than I ever was. 

If you have read my blog before you have heard this story before but I felt it needed to be told again. I have been pretty happy lately and had forgotten where I was until I heard about the pain of another. 

I wanted to get the woman's number but that wasn't possible under the circumstances. I wanted to say "tell her to stop listening to her mind it might be lying to her" but I didn't.  I did offer the progesterone over the counter recommendation.  I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. 

When your mind turns against you and you believe the distorted truth it is hard to break free.  I feel that it was grace and my ability to finally let go that saved my life. I know now that I am loved by my creator the one that lives inside of me and that is enough. 

Summers Past - Gratitude and loss

The mother of my best friend in grammar school died this past Monday.  She was also the best friend of my own mother. My mother and my best friends mother were polar opposites just my friend and I are polar opposites.

We ended up together because of our mothers and because we went to the same kind of Pentecostal church. When my mother got sick my friends father was in the process of divorcing her mother. Something back then in our church just wasn't done. She never remarried because she believed that it would be adultery in the eyes of God. This didn't phase my friends father who immediately married his secretary.

When I left home at 16 my friends mother let me live with them.  There were six of us total all working and all with our own cars. Except her little brother who was still in middle school. I slepted in the garage that I shared with a car and several cats. I did have a bed and my own refrigerator. I also had a washer and dryer conveniently located at the end of my bed.

Even though she was strict in her beliefs she also was a live and let live person.  She did lecture me about staying out all night on occasion.  I usually was the last one in and the first on out. I had a boyfriend and a full time management job at the local Hardees.

Who could blame me for not rushing home to the car waiting for me. Truthfully I loved it. It was true freedom for me not having to deal with the emotional abuse from my stepmother. I could just live and work in peace.

It was only for one summer and by the end of that summer the relationship with my first alcoholic had ended. I thought it was true love for us both until he decided he needed a second girlfriend. I was devasted as always and decided I needed a geographical cure. I  packed up my truck and moved south. Where I have been ever since.

I am grateful for that summer and I am grateful that she took me in without hesitation. She was loving and generous.

I didn't stay in touch over the years because that how life is sometimes. I have spoken to my friend in the last few years. I did cry when I got the message it made me think of all that has happened over the years  a collision of the past and the present.

I decided to go out of respect and my friend has ask me to stay with her and her family. It feels weird but somehow right that I go.

It makes me want to believe that there is more after this life and maybe she is now reunited with my mother after 40 something years.

A New Table Saw - Rejecting the past

So I bought a new table saw today.  I used to have one in my old life but had to leave it behind along with the relationship.  I use to be quite handy and worked part time as a handy person while getting my design degree.

I left a lot of things behind with that relationship including my self confidence. Today I was driving down the road thinking about how I am making my way back to the person I was more than six years ago. The gratitude of this brought tears to my eyes.

I read once that it should take one month for every year you were in the relationship to get over it. It was a 13 year relationship so unless we are using dog years in reverse I am not normal. I am so grateful to just be interested in life again it doesn't really matter to me now.  

I could blame it on my family maybe a bad grieving gene passed down certainly it would be from my mother's side of the family.  I remember my Grandmother crying for literally years after my mother died. Grief over the death of her youngest child is normal but I think it was more than that it was the death of the dream of how her own life would be that was so devastating. My mothers death changed all our lives.

This last break up for me felt like one day I was basking in the comfort of knowing how my life was going to turn out and boom  it ends and my mind, body and soul was forced into the unknown. The stability I dreamed I had started spiraling out of control and the idea that nothing would ever feel the same again was more than I could take.  I resisted reality with every part of myself and when that didn't work I had a breakdown.

We love the people that leave us in death or through the front door but we do stop missing the real person. We paint a rosy picture of them and forget that they left dirty socks on the floor or said hurtful things.  We keep the idea of them alive with a dream of how our lives would be perfect if they were here now.

This is just our way of staying right where we are until we can accept that they are not coming back and we have to create a new dream for ourselves. We have to get past blaming them for leaving us or for not loving us and we have to get past blaming ourselves for not being enough. It takes as long as it takes.

It isn't true that I am returning to the person I was before that person doesn't exist anymore. I am returning to a secure emotional life based on love and respect for myself instead of leaving that in someone else is hands.

I bought a table saw today so I can help my friend install his laminate floor. This shows me that I am no longer rejecting the part of me that I associate with the past. I can see that I have healed the deepest part of me and I am ready to create a new dream for my life.  

Facing life and finding peace

I guess it is obvious that I have been busy.  There is a lot stress starting your life over and some days I feel I am just not up to it.

 My mind feels old and brittle and I wonder what was I thinking signing up for this. Other days I actually feel like I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Most days I just try not to think at all.

I made it through another Thanksgiving for that I am grateful.  It is part of my story being dumped twice at Thanksgiving I tell myself I shouldn't let it bother me anymore but it does.  This year I just accepted the emotions that flowed over me and they passed quickly. I cooked my first turkey in 6 years.

I am grateful that I am not depressed anymore and that my life is moving forward once again.  I am grateful that today I have everything I need.

My life isn't just about work I am spending my free time drawing with pastels and getting better with each drawing. I also joined an out door painting group and made some new friends. We meet on the weekends and paint outside. The weather has been so nice here evidently we are the only area of the country with sunshine.

It has been good to take a break from writing and focus my creative spirit on drawing. These days I have less words in my head and feel at peace just working hard and finding joy in making art.

Near death experience - How important is it?

It has been an interesting couple of days since my last post. My friend had plans to come into town for her father's memorial and her flight got delayed and she ended on staying over in Dallas. Then she over slept and missed the 6 AM flight and booked a noon flight which was delayed. She didn't make it to the memorial.

She called and ask me if I would go in her place. I agreed and got there by three and made my way around a room of about 30 people. They all had funny stories about her father's drinking. I knew this already from my friend but it is never called alcoholism.

Her brother was the star of the show and had plenty of his own sarcastic stories. He made everyone laugh and the drinks kept coming. I could see his own sadness just below the surface as he talked about his own failed marriages between jokes. Blaming his wives for everything.

My friend showed up after most everyone was gone which turned out to be a good thing. She had been exiled from her father's family and when they heard she was on the way they started leaving. When she got there only her aunts were left and huge confrontation began and ended with screaming an swearing.

We stayed at the restaurant another 3 hours after the everyone left. Her brother myself and another friend. They drank and smoked and I had Key Lime pie and ice tea. I left them and took my drained introverted self home. I felt hungover Sunday from the emotion of others.

My friend stayed overnight at the beach an I went over yesterday for a late dinner. I was still tired and ask a friend if he would go with me. We had a full night of family stories and headed home around 10. We pull up behind a car in the left turn lane and waited for the arrow to turn green. It was dark and when the light changed the car in front of us turned and then we turned.

Just after we turned we heard a huge crash. The car behind us was broadsided by a truck going really fast through a red light. We heard the truck lay on the horn as if he didn't see the light. My friend was driving and said he saw the third car in the rear view mirror skid into the intersection to avoid the car that had been hit.

We were stunned and just drove home. We had turned on to a bridge and couldn't turn around. We don't know what happened and I couldn't find anything on it today. My friend came to my house about 15 minutes later and said the whole intersection was closed.

I didn't sleep much last night and wondered how we were so lucky to have escaped. We are talking seconds and I know some where some family is grieving today.  Was the driver drinking probably? Why else would he have laid on the horn like he had the right of way.

It has been an emotional two days and I feel tired but grateful..  I am in the office today dealing with things that feel even less important than they usually do.

Gratitude - Acceptance - Hanging on

My Painting

I am having a moment of gratitude today. It seems my mind is coming back from where ever it has been for awhile now. I am not feeling, less than these days, afraid that I am unable to do new things or things I have done in the past.

I was starting to believe my new state of mind was permanent. I was starting to think I would never be myself again. I guess this is what depression does to you locked in a cycle alone with nothing but time. You stop feeling hope at some point that you will ever feel good about anything again.

I can't say what really kept me going without hope. Mostly I existed on autopilot going through the motions of what I thought was expected of me. I was there for a long long time.

It seems that once I accepted the new me I started to feel better. I accepted that it just takes me a long time to get over things. I had to stop beating myself up for not being more resilient. Life dealt me a major blow and I was down for the count.

The depression and the last five years is starting feel like a distant memory. You know like an old relationship that is over. You know it happened to you but it doesn't seem like it was really you. It seems more like a story from a book.

I have started to take care of myself and my life again. I am starting to make plans for the future. I am facing things without fear.

I am grateful for the things and people in my life that have supported me. Some of the people aren't with me anymore but they were there when I needed them. I am grateful for my own mind that kept me safe while I continued to search for answers. That small part of me that hung on when the rest of me didn't want to.

I am grateful to the program that saved me from myself so many years ago and helped me to see how it was my own thinking that made me so unhappy. A foundation that helped me to keep going through the past five years. Giving me hope that if I just waited the answer would come.

I am grateful for this blog and the encouraging comments I have received. This gave me something to look forward to and a safe place to sort out my thoughts. It is good to be me today.

Filling and killing time

Acceptance is place I want to be these days but I can't seem to get there. The angst I feel has to do with thinking I should be somewhere else other than where I am now in my life.

Isn't this an age old human problem, never being satisfied. It is a luxury I know. If I had to spend my days hunting and gathering I would be too tired to think about what is lacking in my life. But with a protein bar in my stomach and work piling up on my desk I am taking this moment to feel unsatisfied with where I am in my life.

I know this is a time of thanksgiving and gratitude but I am just not there. I really don't want to make a gratitude list or think of all the hungry people in the world. Please don't tell me I need a gratitude meeting.

Don't get me wrong I have am thankful for a lot of things. But I am restless right now and nothing seems to sooth my spirit. Is it because at this time of year everybody seems to have a plan. I use to be the plan maker but I gave up and for that I am grateful. Ok, maybe I should start a a gratitude list. Yuck.

So I am drifting and waiting for these feelings to pass. My greatest fear is they won't and I will feel like this forever. I know I will get over it it is just that time of year for me.

My friend says just accept that I am going to feel crappy until this month is over and she is probably right. So I am riding it out and trying not to take my feelings too seriously.

Chocolate and other therapy

So I have done no work today so far. I had such a great day off yesterday and was so excited I couldn't sleep last night. I got up and roamed around the house looking at all that I have accomplished in the past couple of days. I even commented on a few blogs at 2 AM.

I am foggy today and can't seem to get motivated. When I am in that mode I end up writing. I produced a very dull post and decided to ditch it and try again.

After I spewed forth my weaknesses with Saturday post I got over myself and decided to do something different. I have gotten into the habit of going home every night and curling up in my bed and watching TV. This past week I added to the routine eating Hershey nuggets. Purchased on the slim chance of having trick or treaters. This was unlikely since I didn't turn the light on. This was not a good addition to the routine.

Lets just say a bag of chocolate and millions of hours of TV can bring you to a place where you are having an out of body experience. Luckily I am not clinically depressed so the low really was good for me and I thought to myself, you have to stop doing this. Really I mean it this time.

Saturday after work I ate the last piece of candy and turned the TV off and went to my studio. A few hours later I had three new paintings which I will post if I can figure out how to send them from my IPhone. It is hard to get out of a rut it feels so good so comforting and familiar. But a rut can slowly eat away at you and put on weight on you at the same time.

Sunday I got up and cleaned yet another disaster area in my house and then worked on a puzzle for an hour or two. Very funny puzzle with a million different cartoon characters.

Everything feels right today. I have a job, which I apparently do not want to do today. I have a house that is perfect for me which even has a studio. I am exactly where I need to be today even if I could have used a few more hours of sleep.

Even if I have to stumble back into the past occasionally I don't stay too long. The promises say, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I guess it is the only way to see just how far we have come.