Sunday, August 23, 2015

People just don't change - Or do they?

We had a meeting this week with the owner of the company he was telling us the plans to reorganize given the resignation of one of the companies key players.  He made a statement that made me want to raise my hand and object.  He said "people just don't change ".

I wanted to say "people don't change unless they want to" but I didn't think a sales meeting was really the place to bring that up. Sometimes people even change even when they don't want to. Life's circumstance can force you to rise up and be more courageous then you ever imagined you could be.

Sometimes you feel like you just got to flee knowing that you are choosing the hard way. You aren't willing to listen to reasons and something inside just has to make a change no matter what the consequences. My friend that left was stuck and jumping overboard seemed like the only answer to being stuck. I know it will work out no matter what.

In my own life I have been mostly forced to change.  I have a tendency to stay too long in my relationships whether they are personal or professional. My analytical mind calculates the time invested with the my fear that there isn't anything better out there. This idea together with the hope that the other person or company will somehow magically change keeps me stuck.

When I chose to leave my business and take a new job with this company it was the first time I moved on first. Granted I had a few years of stagnation before taking the leap. If you read my blog you know it wasn't a easy transition for me. I felt like I had been sent to boot camp except without any body telling me what I should be doing.

I am proud of myself for making the leap and surviving.  I really have learned a lot and have the resources I need to do as much business as I want to do without being managed too closely.

So I am here to say anybody can change. If you wake up unhappy most days it is probably time to make some kind of change. Even if it is something small it will start the ball rolling.

Don't expect a lot support from other people when you start to make changes because you are disturbing their idea of you. We put each other in little boxes in our mind it makes us feel good to think we really know someone. If they change we think we were wrong and question out judgement about them and everything else.

Since I have experienced many changes I learned to not hold on too tightly to anything or anyone. I try to enjoy what is happening now and accept that everything is always changing even if I can't see it on the surface.  It is the way life is and holding on only tires us out.

Making changes to make us happier is always a good choice eventually.  Sometimes is small changes are enough to make our days lighter and we can be more loving to the people that love us.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Black clouds and parades

I wrote a post yesterday that made my already bad mood even worse so at the end of it I decided not to post it. It all started last week when I got the news that someone I am close to at work is leaving. It wasn't a surprise they have been dragging a black cloud along with them for months now. Directing all their life problems toward their job and the business.

I have watched this for awhile and tried my best to share what I have learned about looking outside of myself for blame. I know I can't really change anyone and only when they are ready if ever they will see who is really causing them pain.  It is a loss for me personally and professionally but who knows I might be happier not having someone rain on my parade every day.

That was the beginning of the week and by yesterday after six working days in a row I was tired. This always comes as a surprise to me that I need a recharge day. I always have so much hope for my days off and all the things I can accomplish only when they arrive I am uninterested in doing anything.  I look around the house and see all that needs to be accomplish but I do nothing.

This makes me feel bad about my lack of interest in my personal life. I think back to a time when my life was so busy and I had so many friends that I was flying high. Of course that led to my ultimate crash and a long road of recovery. I was busy because I was afraid that if I stopped scheduling every minute that all the emotions I buried would come to the top.

I was right to be afraid because as you know I checked out. I am starting over now and I don't know exactly where I fit in anymore and this scares me. Only about once a week when I am alone and uninspired and and I realize the number of people I can reach out to has dwindled to almost nothing. Whose fault is this I ask myself . This leads to blame and reviewing all the bad decisions I have made that led me to today where I don't want to be.

Luckily yesterday I decided to get dressed and get out. I called someone and they were available for dinner and a visit. My head is not always a good place to go especially when I am tired and feeling lonely. We had a nice visit and she said what I needed to hear that I need to get out an meet people more like me.

I am not sure how to go about doing that especially with my hours but I have to do something. I am going to take a Zumba class offered locally by the school system. That will be interesting.  I did decide I need to do something that is more physical than mental. Mindless fun that is what I am looking for right now.

I hasn't helped my mood that it has be raining here non-stop even as I write this it is pouring and I can hear cracks of thunder. Everything is mushy, wet and moldy. Yuck.

I woke up today feeling better and dreaming about getting my life in order. I did a few drawings of my own kitchen makeover. I wrote list of what I want to do and how much it will cost. I also drew some sketches of some place else I would like to live. An urban structure small easy to maintain with an adjacent studio space and store front. This is an on going dream of mine.

So today I am dreaming a scheming which tells me I have bounced back from where I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be back to work and no time to think at all.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Nothing last forever

My slump at work ended abruptly and threw me in to over drive this week ending the week with four appointments yesterday,  Today my introverted self feels like I have just returned from a long trip. I stayed in bed this morning and watched a movie "Extremely Lound and Incredilbly Close" a story of a nine year old coping with the death of his father on 9/11.

It was an excellent movie about grief and our ability to try to make sense on something that just doesn't make sense especially to a nine year old. Death at an early age can distort your view of the world and your whole life. You know are changed but how much you are not sure.  You imagine that everyone around you has a safe and secure life while you are out there flapping in the wind.

You get use to it the isolation mostly self created. You learn to make the best of it and entertain yourself. The adults seem too wrapped up in there on suffering to see how things really are and maybe give you some direction. Truthfully you don't want the extra attention another burden to lay upon them. What is the point?  No one can do anything to change what has happen and your resolve sets in to just accept that you are alone and you are left to heal yourself.

None of this is intentional of course. Life slips by quickly and everyone is just trying to forget what happened but you can't. The world isn't safe anymore and you have to learn how to live with it. You manage no matter what and adapt to the situation around you no matter how extreme it becomes. I was treated as if nothing every happen. There was no discussion ever and we just went on as if my mother never existed.

Today I understand it intellectually and don't blame anyone anymore for my circumstance. It is still true that I was permanently changed all those years ago. I feel like I learned to live without being connected too deeply to other people. When a relationship ends emotionally I never look back. I submerge the hurt until  it surfaces as depression. When I am left the child in me thinks it had to be my fault even though I know it wasn't there is that little bit of doubt.

Today it is just easier to stop making the effort to connect especially with my family. I am too tired to try to make something out of nothing. My sister makes and effort by calling me at 1 AM because that is what is convenient for her. She is busy and so am I so how important is it to maintain this thread of connection. It doesn't feel real or genuine to me.

As you can tell I am just feeling tired and overwhelmed today. The movie set off some emotions for me and I am just working them out here.  I am wanting a new connection today even though I am too tired to do anything about it. I am feeling stuck in the thought that I will always feel like I do today.

I will get past this as I always do nothing last forever good or bad.