Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Moving on

Well today is the day the ending of my business. I have been totally crazy busy and not looking forward to the face to face meeting at the attorney's office.

Living life from a spiritual point of view and dealing with people who are living solely in this world, my judgement, lets just say is difficult. I have to love and protect myself even in the face of danger and attack. Yes I said danger and attack. Just like in a love relationship what was once love and roses turns into war of the roses in the end.

Why does it have to be that way? I think we make someone an enemy in order to justify our attack on them. You don't want to think of yourself as angry, greedy or mean so they have to be the villain.

I think I am feeling a little residue from my own past intimate relationships today but this time I have to say "I didn't pick this person" or did I?  We were thrown together when we didn't have many options the business was going down and we had to save it. Once that was done the greed set in and now off to the divorce courts we go.

It easy to think you have done it all alone when times are good. At the top of the mountain there is only sunshine. But it has been my experience that you can't live at the top of the mountain for very long. Life is just like that always changing. I have been at the bottom and for me there is no place but up.

My opportunity or lesson right now is to take care of myself. Stand up for myself and know that if I do things because they are good for me and not because they will hurt someone else it is the honest route and God will take care of the rest.

I have moved on mentally, spiritually and physically.  I want this to be over but I am not willing to give it away just for the sake of peace. I do have to support myself.

I can admit I wasn't a great partner and I can admit neither was she. It is time to move on and lets hope that happens today.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Baggage - Leaving my limitations behind.

I have a moment this morning before my day begins to write a little something. I was thinking about how nice it is that the people I work with don't really know me. They don't have a preconceived idea of who I am or what my abilities are.

Getting a fresh start helps me let go of the mistakes I feel I have made. I am sure if you asked my ex-business partner about me she could give you a list of my inadequacies and I would in turn be happy to give you hers.

I think about what they tell you in the program about how the people closest to the addicted can't help them. It is true for our side of the table too. We have to reach out to strangers to make progress. I think this breaks the cycle of "she always does this" and in turn " I always do that".  In our close relationships we fill our expected rolls like muscle memory.

We have history with the people we love and they have a stake in our success and we have a stake in theirs. Strangers can be objective they can't judge us by our past. We can step out of our roll as broken or controlling and be someone else. They don't know our secrets unless we tell them.

This past week I heard this guy in my office talking to someone on the phone about me telling him the experience I had and how great my back ground was. This really scared me I wanted to run in there a tell him that is  was before I had a breakdown. I wanted to run in there and tell him that I wasn't that person anymore and he shouldn't have such high expectations.

The truth is that I am that person or a better version of that person. So what if I did have a life changing bout with depression and menopause but I not permanently damage unless I decide that I am.

I can be whoever I want to be today. I can choose to bring my bags full of self-defeating judgements with me or I can leave them in the past where they belong. I can choose to fill those bags with my accomplishments and the fact that I emerged from the darkness a stronger and better person.

I am grateful today for a new start with strangers. I get the opportunity to live one day at a time and be who I want to be today.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

A New Life

So life is getting more complicated every day but in a good way. I am loving my new job and I can feel each brain cell awakening one at a time. I am so happy to know that they haven't gone missing permanently.

I haven't had a chance to write mostly because I have been carrying two computers around in my car and frankly I have been too tired to get them out of the car at the end of the day. I don't feel comfortable writing at my new job because I am on the their network.  Besides I am crazy busy when I am there anyway.  I wouldn't feel guilty otherwise because I am commission based so my time is my own.

The next bit of news is I have a new roommate. She is new to the program and is just getting out of a relationship. My sponsor who is also her sponsor let me know she was looking for a place to live. She is moving in this weekend and right now her teeny tiny dog is sitting next to me on the couch while I write this.

She has no furniture and will be taking over the upstairs. I had one of the "this is your life" moments when I cleaned out the upstairs closets. Yuck. It was good for me to get rid of some of the past. My down stairs looks like I just moved in. This is what I am doing today my favorite thing, organizing.

My life has completely changed in one month. I have moved on finally after all these years. I don't envy my roommate just starting the grieving process. It is hard to be rejected it is hard to be forced to re-think your story. The story you thought would be yours forever. It never works out that way ever. Life just comes along with its own ideas about the way things should be.

I will be back to posting more regularly once I can leave my computer set up at home. It all very exciting and I am happy to have what it takes to embrace change.