Saturday, August 28, 2010

Everything Changes In A Moment

Life can change in a moment and an ordinary day can change your life forever. People die, people leave, people say words that in that moment change everything and nothing can be done to undo what has been said. First you dig in try to hold on live in denial but the damage has been done. The moment has passed and nothing will ever be the same and what you do next makes little difference. Getting through the pain is all that you can focus on and nothing else matters.

While watching my favorite part of Forrest Gump tonight, the part where he is devastated by Jenny leaving and he starts running, I could always relate to wanting to run and keep running. He runs for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours. I can now relate to the part where he just stops and says he is tired and wants to go home.

I have been running for 2 years, 9 months and 3 days and now I have stopped. I am tired and ready to go home. It's not where I thought I would be it is a different home but is my home. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin for a long time and thought I would never feel like myself again but suddenly I feel good again. I have recently discovered when you stop running nothing really scary happens.

So if you have a devastating moment and your life changes forever it doesn't really matter what you do and if you decide to run at some point you'll be ready to come home.

Introvert Seeking Silience-A Zen Moment

I am standing on my own these days and my need to find the truth has given way to just making a living and addressing what is in front of me today.

I am in the office today alone my partner in crime is in Texas and it is especially quiet. I have a number of things that I should be doing and will probably be here late today. I decided that writing might help me to move forward and so here I am writing.

My head has been unusually quiet and without the analytical voices in my head I have been able to get some rest. It feels strange to focus on my work and put everything I have into one thing. I picked up a magazine at my counselors office and there was a long article on introverts and it talked about the very thing I am experiencing now. The Zen of focusing on one thing and how having a goal or objective gives the introvert mind a way to rest. Extroverts on the other hand don't really need the same kind of break. They get rest from outside stimulation and sometimes thrill seeking.

The article did say that introverts make up 50% of the population but aren't easily recognized and are sometimes labeled as shy. Introverts are not shy but internalize information and then form conclusion. Making it seem like we are slow compared to our extrovert counter parts. We are half the population going against the extrovert tide. In America we have a society based on stimulation. It said some there are countries more geared toward introverted thinking. It mentioned how here we tolerate loud music in stores and restaurants and don't realize that it is tool to disorient us to shop and eat mindlessly.

So I am not alone in my need for silence and why after a day of customers I need to lay down. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my quest for peace and that my own internal voice can be silenced for a time.

Monday, August 23, 2010


-Blueprint for Progress

Page 34

Maturity is the growing awareness that you are neither all powerful nor helpless. It could be said to be the knowledge of what is, what might be, and what cannot be. It is not a destination; it is a road. It is the moment when you wake up after some grief or staggering blow and think, "I'm going to live, after all."

Page 31

Maturity is simply being grown up. It is the quality in people which helps them to balance their intellect with their emotions so that their is appropriate. The ability to do the right thing at the right time requires a clear eyed view of a situation and an understanding of human limitations.

I have had these passages hanging on my wall at work for a couple of years and felt that they are appropriate for me right now. I am getting past the grief and focusing on my responsibilities. Grief is like alcoholism cunning, baffling and powerful. It feels like bobbing in water, sometimes I have the energy to stay above the water and then sometimes I am exhausted and let it take me under.

The worst has passed for me it has been a long haul but I lost a lot and I know that now. Someone told me once that I was too trusting and this is true. It is too hard for me to worry about what someone else is doing so when it all blows up in my face it take me a long time to grieve and that is OK. I am the person God made me and I can accept myself.

Today I am moving on and taking care of my grown up responsibilities. I worked through the weekend and came in today on my day off to meet with a client. They were surprised by my ideas and said they didn't think I could come up with any new solutions. I love what I do and that in itself is a true gift.

So here is to being mature for today and getting things done. Grief is powerful and paralyzing and makes me feel I a will never be the same. When it lifts nothing really seems like a big deal and I wonder why I procrastinated for so long. This is how I know that it is grief.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Watching Too Much TV

I am from the first real generation of kids raised on TV. My first recollection of TV was a really scary Vincent Price horror movie when I was about 4. My mom had left the TV on while she was cleaning house and even though I had never ending nightmares after that, I was really hooked.

In our house my mom was the strict disciplinarian and my father was passive and really served as vocal back up. So we had rules about how much TV we could watch and we could pick one hour of shows a day. I agonized over which ones and would try to negotiate more time with chores or give various elaborate justifications for why I should have more time. This never worked and I had to settle for just two shows.

When she got sick we spent most of our time in hospital waiting room and watched a lot of TV and drank lots of soda. The TV was my friend and kept me busy while the life I thought I could count on slipped away. Towards the end and after she was gone I watched sometimes six hours or more of TV when I got home from school.

I hear people talk about how much time kids spend in front of a screen of some kind today and how they are being ruined by that and I think about all the time I spent there. Even now when I use TV to occupy me, soothe me and kill time when I want to escape. I do get bored with it sometimes but it is still my friend and with TIVO I can watch my favorite shows any time and more efficiently.

So tonight I am policing myself and have turned the tube off to spend time in front of another screen. So maybe the damage was permanent.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Feeling Good-Acceptance

You go along in life thinking you will always be who you are and then you wake up one day and your someone else. Seems logical that there will be some changes here and there and you'll grow and mature but the core of you will be the same but this is not true.

When you open yourself to the possibilities and you invite life to be your teacher it can sometimes blindside you and suddenly you are not the person you thought you were. You look in the mirror and recognize the face maybe older but clearly the person you have been looking at all your life. But you have changed your mind or you have changed your spirit and your mind has followed. This can be confusing and unsettling just as confusing as this paragraph. So I will move on to the next.

It is all too much for me to absorb too many things changing in my life at the same time and I need a moment or two to absorb it all, take it all in and accept where I am and who I have become. It is really all good I have grown and wouldn't and couldn't go back.

That being said I have stepped away from this journey towards the new me and I am revisiting the not so familiar old me. The driven efficient take charge me which is good because I am broke and the old me knows how to work. This too is a part of my journey the old me feels comfortable today and I am taking care of life. I am about extremes and I know that but I usually find balance eventually.

I remember at the beginning of this journey, when I thought I knew everything and believed you are just who you are you can't do a thing about it. Interestingly enough I did think you could change other people whether they wanted you to or not. I was wrong and happy to admit that now.

Sometimes just for a moment I want I want to be one of the many people walking around unconscious and not take responsibility for my life. I am sure that is what Adam and Eve thought right after that first bite and realized they were naked.

Monday, August 9, 2010

What would Mom do with me now

I am trying something different in hopes that I will reach a turning point of some kind that will bring my drowning spirit to the surface. I am checking out of my personal commitments to see if I can shake off the last of what really is causing me pain. I think if I sit with myself long enough something will happen.

So I spent the day with my miserable self and I made it through. I watched an episode of Oprah about overeating and the question brought up was "what is really the problem?" It isn't about the food or whatever. The real problem is never that obvious. It is never what you think it is so I am looking for the real problem.

They went on to talk about having compassion for yourself when you are emotionally raw and treat yourself kindly. If you thought of yourself as your own child in pain what would you do to help.

So I am trying to think if my mom was here now what would say to me or do for me to ease my pain. Truthfully she would probably try to solve my problem. We do that in our family we think any problem can be solved. I would want her to make me my favorite food. She would eventually get to the scriptures and read a favorite passage about faith and troubled times.

I don't know for sure what she would do all I know is that I will get through this and be better off somewhere down the road. Finding a way to be my own mom and to have compassion and patience with myself is really the answer I am looking for.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Eating Cookie Dough-Progress Not Perfection

A few weeks ago I reached a new low when scouring for relief from hunger and my current bout with depression I went into the freezer and found some chocolate chip cookie dough and ate it for dinner. I can laugh about it now but looking back it is pretty pathetic. That being said last night I actually made a fresh batch of cookie dough and had that for dessert and maybe a little for breakfast this morning followed by some more healthy choices.

So I feel this is progress in a way I thought I was worth the time and effort to make some from scratch dough. I did think about cooking it but it seemed like it could ruin perfectly good dough. As you can imagine I feel a little squeeze at this point but worth it for sure.

I am isolating today and have done a few chores. I don't really want to use my voice today talk through where I am or think about the past or the future. It is strange the need to let sleeping dogs lie. This too shall pass isn't that what they say in all the programs. It is hard when you feel like your life has been put in a state of suspension. Nobody can really help you, you just got to wait it out and one day you will wake up and feel differently.

I am better and it is just one day and I can live with that, just 24 hours.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Courage to Change-Step Six

I picked up my Courage to Change book this morning on my way out the door. The book is tattered and pages are falling out and it has an old cloth book cover from one of my first conventions. I still like to use it even though I bought a new one. I guess it represents the wear and tear of my journey over the years and it is good to remember where I came from. I read actually tomorrows reading about Step Six and it as always seems appropriate for where I am at this moment in my life.

It talks about letting go of who we are and the fear that there will be nothing left once we do that. "The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been".

Step Six- We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. So the only action is being ready and I am ready. I am an action person and I have tried everything not to be exactly where I am. So for me this is about retreat and surrender to stop doing anything.

I had dinner with a friend last night that pointed out that I have been stuck for a long time and since I don't see medication as an option then I am where I am. That is true on both accounts but I know that I am better and I have grown through the pain. It did make me see more clearly the burden I have been on those closest to me.

I am exhausted spiritually with the quest for the answers and so I am doing nothing and that feels really good. Just standing still and being entirely ready. "I need only trust, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it".

I am on the other side of the pain for the moment and I feel at peace with where I am for the first time in a long time. Every moment of pain has led me to an awakening and is a part of my journey.