Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Magic Words - Possibilities

I have been dealing a lot lately with emotions and reactions. My own and a number of people around me.

Everyone has a different way of dealing with stress. I define stress in my own world and something I am not willing to accept. Whether that is the lack of funds or the behavior of someone I just can't accept the situation as it stands. This causes me stress. I just don't like what is happening.

My immediate reaction is to just dig in and refuse to see the obvious this is also know as denial. The length of this period depends on how bad I wanted things to go my way or if my slight belief that I could change the outcome. I say slight because if there is a shred of hope I can make that into a mountain of possibilities.

I wish I could by-pass this merry-go-round and shot straight to acceptance. It would save me some time and a lot of stress but I am stubborn. I believe that I can change things and sometimes people. It isn't true if people change it is because the want to and not because I said some magic words.

When I use to meet my husband, you know the one from 20 years ago, I would pray that God would give the perfect words to keep him from leaving me. I wanted him to see what a mistake he was making but he didn't.

When it comes to dealing with people, especially the ones we love, there is no magic words. Everyone is on their own path and sometimes we travel great distances together and other times just for a short while.

I am not sure why he has come up so often lately or why this post got so sappy.

Letting go is the name of the game and sometimes you have to just keep letting go until you get someone or something out of your system.

I see a Frosty in my near future.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Bad dreams - Staying on the path to peace

The other night I realized I was dreaming. I woke myself up sobbing in my sleep. I didn't really remember why I was sobbing but it seemed like a deep sadness.

My life is stressful not in the oh my God I got so much to do way but more in the oh my God what is going to happen to me way? How am I going to survive? I know no matter how I seem in the waking world my inner world isn't buying it.

I use to create a lot of stress for myself by overbooking and being all dramatic about my to do list. Then I realized it was my list and if I wanted to have less stress I could put less on the list. I figured out that being so booked made me feel important and more valuable to myself and others.

Today I live a pretty simple life and float above the chaos that was once part of my own existence. Everything use to go on the really important list. Everything was life or death for me. It created the drama that I had become accustomed to from childhood it felt like home.

Over time I have found that not many things fall into that category for me anymore. I enjoy living this way until someone tells me what I should be doing or I look around and everyone seems so busy doing nothing. I panic momentarily and my trust in God goes out the window. I have nightmares in my sleep I am terrified that I have let go and something bad will happen if I don't take the control back.

It doesn't last for long. I lived the first 30 years of my life dependant only on myself. I was miserable and my life was going no where. I was busy for sure but it wasn't satisfying and certainly not joyful. I was on to the next thing and never really savored any moment. I lost big chucks of time this way I think that is the point. When your unhappy you got to keep moving or your emotions catch up with you.

I am back to being peaceful and trusting that all will be revealed. This week I am taking care of the little things. It feels life I am preparing for a long trip of some kind. I am ready to let go now and move forward in whatever direction I am led. A calmness has set in and I know I am not on this path alone.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Opinions - Everyone has one

I have to remember I am right where I am suppose to be. Even if it feels unnatural to let go when everyone around me has an opinion about what I should be doing.

My sister gave me an ear full last night about getting my resume together and getting out of my job situation. Today we went to a lawyer to draw up the papers to get me into the situation my sister thinks I should be running from.

This afternoon I met with my retirement planner and he said I have wasted a year of my life keeping a business open that wasn't mine. I said it was necessary to get me where I am today. He said that that was just an excuse and the road blocks were just in my mind.

Meanwhile back at the bat cave the boy wonder, my cousin, was leaving me nasty messages saying he hated me and is glad the my husband Bob left me 20 years ago. He wants from his trust and I won't authorize it. Sticks and stones...

What is it they say about opinions? This is a long way from the beautiful Manatees I visited on Monday. Beautiful is a lose term when it comes to Manatees they look kind of like slugs with faces and a tail.

I am content in letting go even if no one thinks I know what I am doing. I do really.

One thing I know a lot about and that is me. I know how my mind works and the emotional process I have to go through to make decisions. I might take longer than others but when I reach a conclusion I will rise to the occasion and kick some butt.

I am floating today somewhere between trusting myself and God and the opinions of others. I feel pretty good actually and I will come out ahead, I always do.

According to the Chinese horoscope I am a Tiger and regularly wait in the brush until I am ready to ponce or sometimes I might fall asleep and miss the whole thing.

We shall see.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Being happy with the ordinary.

I started my weekend last night with friends celebrating the Vietnamese New Year. The year of the dragon which doesn't come around but every 60 years. We had fresh spring rolls and various yummy food.

Today it was 80 degrees and I decided to put my running shoes on and go for a run walk. I didn't want to make a big deal about it so I just threw on some old jeans and head out the door. Sometimes if I think too much about preparing to do something I can talk myself right out of it.

What should I wear? What route will I take? Where is my ipod? Is it charged? Instead I threw on my loose jeans, my shoes and t-shirt and I hit road. I just started walking and when the spirit moved me I ran.

It was freeing and I covered about four miles. I live near the river and stopped a community dock where a number of people were fishing. While I stood looking at the water a woman pulled in a 10" catfish and a man hooked an eel but it got away.

I haven't been out in my neighborhood really since I have lived here. Being in darkness I have missed a lot and it feels like I am seeing everything for the first. I did see a woman coming out of house that I actually looked at before I bought the one that I am in now. I said hello and moved on.

I really liked the house it was built by a famous architect and was diamond in the rough. The woman selling it hadn't updated since it was new and it needed more time and money than I had to bring it back to life.

It is located in the neighborhood next to mine where some of the houses are on the river and are maintained beautifully. The rest of the area is nice but is dotted with vacant homes some in serious disrepair. Many were vacant and it made me sad to think how many lives have changed these past few years but life go goes on and we adapt and wait for time to work things out.

I am wrapping up my weekend by rising at 6 am to make a trip south to see the migration of the manatees. It should be a real treat if I can keep my eyes open.

I going with the flow these days and letting go of the outcome. It was nice to just have a ordinary fun weekend.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Am I good enough? Fake it until you make it.

What am I afraid of? I stayed home today from the office to work on my resume and somehow I can't summon the courage to put my work life on paper. Is it because I am afraid I might actually get a job or is because I am afraid I might not have what it takes to go back to corporate life.

I am older but I am wiser. I am reliable and a really hard worker. I know my strengths and my weakness but am I good enough for the real world?

When I lost my job at the mortgage company when I was 40 I didn't know what I was going to do. I was middle manager working 60-70 hours a week and really burned out.

I decided to go to college for the first time in my life. I was afraid then too. I hadn't looked at a text book in over twenty years I wasn't sure I was smart enough even though I was a success in my profession.

How is it that no matter what success you have in life it isn't good enough. There is that thought that we don't really have what it takes to make the next move.

I got my degree and graduated with a high grade point average. I did have to take some prep classes but I did it. I was the oldest in my Algebra II class but I made A's even if it took me forever to finish the test. I did my best and it was good enough.

Fake it until you make it that is what the program talks about. Everybody gets scared it is what you do next that matters. This is what I keep telling myself.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Donuts and Drivers

We went to our seminar on the science of selling some really good information about what people are looking for from their sales person. They talked about the four different types of buying personalities and how it is easier to sell someone that is your same personality.

I was surprised to find that I am the Driver personality only interested in the bottom line. Best price for the quality of product I have already chosen. There was the Artist just interested in the looks and the latest greatest thing. The Manager who wants to know how the process will work and how smoothly things will go and finally the Engineer who want to know how everything is made down to the last detail.

I asked the question, what about couples and he didn't really have a good answer, because there is not one. You do the best you can to identify who is really making the decisions.

I saw myself as the Manager and was pretty sure I was right until I took the test. I had absolutely no characteristics of the Manager. Zero. I was split pretty evenly between the three remaining types. The Driver a little stronger.

After the test I looked the at the statements that pertained to the Manager. Nope I am not one of those.

It just goes to show how our own perception of even ourselves can be skewed. Imagine how wrong we can be about others. Less judgement on my part is what I got out of it.

The trip home, with my soon to be new business partner, was nice. We did a little bonding and stopped at Krispy Kreme and ate hot donuts. It was the perfect ending to our two day trip.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Chocolate Frostys - Dinosaurs and Love

I am peaceful today despite two calls of disaster before I left the house. Not really my disaster but something for me to solve. When the phone rings before I get to work it is never good news.

Monday, my day off, wasn't a good day mentally. I didn't feel like doing what needed to be done and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. Then I beat myself for taking life for granted. What a cycle. Why can't you just be happy? That is what I ask myself like that is helpful in any way.

I called my neighbor with the twins and ask if I could just come over an hang out for a little while. The twins and their older brother were having a lunch that consisted of dinosaur shaped chicken, apples and cheese toast. For dessert yogurt with chocolate syrup and blue sprinkles. How fun is that?

It did help my mood but after lunch it was nap time and it would be a little awkward to join in. Don't get me wrong the kids would love it. But I left and decided to drive to Wendy's and get me non-dinosaur shaped chicken. I was good no fries but then I caved and drove around again and got a chocolate frosty. My sister says a frosty can solve most any problem. Maybe this is a family thing.

I had intended to go to the grocery store but the idea seemed overwhelming. I have no food in the house and when I say no food I really mean it. But I couldn't make myself go. I headed back to house and stopped first at the Goodwill to see what I could find.

I found four movies. One of my favorites You Have Got Mail. Cutting edge for the time when people in the know had America Online as their email provider. I like the movie because it is about unlikely love that turns out to be a perfect match.

My perception changed at the end this time. I have always been focused on the romance but this time I realized that Meg Ryan character was starting over in her career. She had been trying to keep her mother alive by keeping her mother's dream alive. She didn't really have her own dream.

I feel like maybe that is what I have been doing with this business. I am trying to keep it going the way it has always been. Keeping the owners dream alive. This isn't necessarily my dream.

I don't have the energy or the desire to do that anymore. I am slowly letting it go. There has been a definite shift in me trying to keeps things together. Maybe I had to get to this point to see that this may not be where I belong.

The business is changing and my holding on so tight has drained the creative life out of me. Maybe that is what I needed in order to surrender so God can step in and get things done without my interference.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

A true miracle

A close friend called and ask me to join her for dinner last night. Really her daughter wanted to take a couple of us out to thank us for looking out for her in her absence.

The word absence in this case is an understatement. Her daughter is over 50 and is a recovering addict and alcoholic. She has had three years of sobriety which is a miracle. She has been addicted her entire life and has been in and out treatment since she was a teenager. We really thought she was a lost cause.

When her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's seven years ago her daughter came to visit and hocked some of her mother's valuables to buy drugs. Her mom thought maybe the seriousness of the situation would bring them closer. It was sad for everyone.

No one knows why the last trip to AA worked for her and her husband. Her mother never gave up and worked her own program especially detaching with love. She encouraged her to call her every week no matter where she was or what condition she was in and promised her she would accept that call without judgement.

We had a long dinner almost three hours. The six of us laughing and talking about nothing important. Everyone there having a program and working it. She was making her amends to us and we were accepting everything as it was at that moment.

There is no guarantees in this world and we all know too well that recovery is one day at a time for all of us. She looked great healthy and happy and I was glad to be a witness to a true miracle.

Friday, January 6, 2012


Nothing is real. This is what I have to remember and maybe a far out concept for most but I have realized the everything is just seen from my wee little perspective.

At best rose colored glasses at worst from the self-absorbed child that I am sometimes. I say that in the most loving way, really.

What I mean is that the truth I perceive for myself has been tainted. I have filters that I have picked up along the way that help me see things the way I want to see them.

This is evolution my friend seeing that I am not really seeing. Every time I face that truth I become a little freer than I was before.

Since I can't really know someone else's truth I have no choice but to bring nothing to the table. I always thought I had special powers for summing people up but then I found this was caused by living in dysfunction when you have to be prepared for anything at a moments notice.

I have been asking myself lately if I really need those skills. I will never know whether I made an accurate read on someone or if maybe my own negativity affected the way someone reacted towards me. Then I could be so proud and say I knew they were going to do that. Self fulfilling prophecy.

I was reading this morning about how sometimes people aren't ready for the simple truth and if they understood that they were causing the pain they are in it would be too much. I get that now more than ever.

The years of the program revealed things to me little by little. Then I would stop growing for a while, a plateau you might say, mostly when I didn't want to see the truth. I would rest and focus on others until I was ready to move on.

I didn't think it was possible to feel the way I do now. I still get scared about the future but the past isn't holding me back the way it use to. Who knew I could find a way out if I kept searching.

Today things seem clear to me and I realized that my monkey mind had me up a tree yesterday. Things are never as they appear if I don't react I can see it is all just and illusion.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Are my feelings temporary?

My horoscope today said I am standing at a fork in the road concerning my career. I should make decisions based on the facts and not some future dream I might have for myself.

We are taking steps to transfer the business into our new company name. Some part of me is telling me I don't want to do this anymore and the other is telling me that the feelings I am having are temporary.

I heard a sermon not too long ago about accepting that a season has passed. Letting things go when it is time. Why do I feel like I am done here? Is that just me not wanting to do what has to be done or am I really done. The thought has crossed my mind that I might be trying to sabotage myself by not taking care what needs to be done.

I do this when I need to make a change that I am not ready to face. It seems a woke up a few weeks ago and decided I didn't want to do this anymore. I think I am losing it or am I?

I was reading some of my spiritual books last night and the theme of everything I was reading was patience. I am not patient when it comes to myself and the progress I am making or not making. I wish God would send me a little note saying hey you are doing the right thing, keep it up or you are wasting your time you need to move on.

Instead I am here just bobbing up and down in the water in my little boat with just one paddle. I am sure I will get the answers when it is time. Hey God anytime now.

I am where I am because this is where I am suppose to be. Once someone told me when you don't know what to do just do the next right thing and keep it simple. That is what I am going to do now.

P.S. I did go the movies yesterday.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Stuck in La La land

I am suppose to be working but feel I am still stuck in La La Land. I thought that having time off would get me to a place that I could start facing what needs to be done, whether I like it or not.

My spirit has other ideas today. My mind is giving me the business as usual. What is wrong with you?

This is your life we are talking here, you got to get moving!

In my younger years I could force myself to do just about anything no matter how much I hated it for as long as it took. Maybe after years and years of this I have had enough. It is a little scary to be like this and I wonder it some disaster might be waiting for me if I can't get myself to comply.

I am not sure how to restore myself and get my spirit back in the game. I thought 10 days off would be enough but maybe dealing with my family didn't give me time to find any joy.

My mind is saying right now, just grow up and get your butt in gear. Your an adult so act like one. Everyone has responsibilities, why do you think you're any different?

So I guess I better go an tackle a few things on the list or maybe I will go to the movies.

Picture from Mediabistro.com

Monday, January 2, 2012

Weekend with a Guru

I went with my friend and her daughter to an ashram for the new year weekend. I have been off since Christmas eve and doing a lot of traveling and thought maybe I should stay home. It is a couple of hours away and I wasn't sure if I could handle more time meditating or contemplating my life.

I woke up feeling pretty good. I decided to take some things to do if I decided I couldn't handle the agenda.

We got there at lunch time and then they had a singing and chanting session then dinner. After dinner the Guru addressed us and then we had cookies and went to bed. It was 9:30 and the party was over. Lights out at 10:00. I laid there in the dark for a few hours thinking about some of the things he said.

He had some wisdom which I could relate to these days. First he said the path to peace is too easy and therefore our ego will not accept it as the truth. First we have to decide to let go of the past and come to every situation fresh without baggage (my word) second have to let go of our vision for the future. This leaves us squarely in the moment a place of bliss.

He said we are divine children of God with only our own beliefs between us and peace. By uncovering those negative beliefs about ourselves we can be free and at peace. None of our opinions count only God's opinion and he created perfection. He said the ego makes us think that the path to peace must be complicated and we spend a life time search for something that has been there all the time.

Someone from AA (self identified) ask if you say we are perfect the way we are what are we striving for? He said that perfection is a man made concept that is unattainable and can not even be defined. Divine is as we were created not mans definition.

He said that working hard isn't bad but expecting a specific outcome causes us pain. Doing only what we love daily and the results will come naturally. If we do things only to achieve a certain result and do not enjoy the process it will ultimately harm us.

He said to be genuine in all your actions. He said sometimes we do things for other at our own expense because we think they want us to or need our help. He said that this will goes against us because it comes from a place that is not genuine. The example was in a new relationship being someone you aren't to please another and eventually this comes back to hurt the relationship and ourselves.

The above is my interpretation as I heard it. I am a working to rid myself of the past and have less expectations about the future. I want to focus on being happy living in the moment.

I liked being off the grid for the weekend and it was a nice ending to my time off. I have a lot of decisions to make in upcoming months. It is going to be the year of change for me but I am ready and believe it we take me to the next level spiritually.

Happy New.