This week I started watching Big Eyes on Netflix but something about the impending disaster of the main character was more than I could bear. I guess I can relate in some way to being sucked in by some charming person that promises you the world and then turns out to be just another person trying to survive and putting their needs first.
She wanted a quick fix the story book romance. She was divorced back when women that were divorced were shunned. Today that seems it would be everyone. I think we all want someone to make of feel less scared about life and our future. When you are by yourself from time to time it feels like your out there on a high wire without a net.
I use to say I needed a soft place to land. I have experienced that a few times in my life. I did feel that in my last relationship. I felt security even if it was a false sense of security. All feelings of security are false at least long term security anyway. We are human and have a limited amount of time here and we never know what will happen next.
I sometimes deal with mild anxiety to me this feels like when you have had way too much caffeine A restlessness overcomes me and I can't shake it. It doesn't seem like it is tied to a particular event or even a thought in my head. This happened the other night and I decided to jump rope to see if that would get rid of the anxiety. It absolutely worked.
This made me wonder if a lot of my suffering over the years has been as physical and not always emotional. I have felt good this week calm even though work is slow. I have done a few things this week to stack the cards in my favor. First I have cut back on sugar and carbs. I have exercised in some manner each day - jumping rope and yoga at home. I have been eating giant salads - I have been working on a large charcoal portrait (my meditation) and last but not least I did go to a meeting on Monday.
I am a thinker and I have always thought I could think myself healthy. In the program they say "my best thinking got me here". I appreciate my mind and it has served me well in some areas but I think it is time to focus on the whole body, mind and spirit.
I have to admit I have been taken care of in my life. In some magical way no matter what God for me has worked things out. I have always been afraid to relax and enjoy this always thinking I should be preparing for future disasters. I have experienced many disasters but not the ones I prepared for so I still wasn't ready. This kept me from enjoying each day and the joy it had to offer.
We all want to feel safe like the one in the movie. I am sure it did work out for her in the end. I don't really know since I didn't watch it. Feeling safe comes when you look back and see no matter how bad things got that you are still here. That somehow things did work out. Not the way I imagined but I am still here and still have the opportunity not to waste one more day just tolerating life. I can to trust that there is a net below the high wire.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
We had a big storm here in case you happen to be on another planet. I didn't have any damage to my property and enjoyed the extra couple of days off. My long time friend stayed at my house for the worst of it and we produced some art until the sun went down and we ran out of light.
I decided the day before to bake some bread and the morning of the storm to make a chocolate cake. I figured if we had to go days without power nothing would be as satisfying as homemade bread and chocolate cake.
We did lose power even before the storm was near but I didn't really mind that much. I like the quiet and I knew it probably wouldn't be out for long. The next morning everyone was out cleaning up their yards manually. The sun was shining and you could really feel a sense of community.
The neighbors next door had their kids raking the yards of people that had evacuated. They are good people and I imagine spending the night with three kids and a German Shepard wasn't exactly stress free.
It was just the two of us and we were getting each others nerves a little bit. We did play Scrabble and I found I could play with a real person and win. Until then I had only played the computer and wasn't sure I could play against a real person.
Lately I have felt something shifting inside. Every since I returned from the wedding I feel different. I faced a few ghost there and was un-affected. Before the storm my sister and I got into another discussion about my dad. She said I would never have forgiven him even if he had asked to be forgiven. For a moment things got ugly. I said I would have accepted far less than an apology and I didn't appreciate her thinking she knew what I would or would not have done.
She then ask if I was over it why was I still talking about it. I told her because she was the only one that was there and the fact that she dismissed what was done to me as my imagination that I felt I had to defend myself. I said we did not have the same experience and that I have spent a big chunk of my life getting over it. She said she fought to have a relationship with him and I said I was too immature back then to think I needed to fight for a relationship with my own father.
I was surprised by this conversation but it really cleared the air. I ended it by saying that if the stormed wiped me out that I could at least go in peace. We have of course talked since then.
We all think we know what other people are experiencing but that to me is like playing God and I have done it many times. We think we can give them advice and make things better but this is not true. We have to know that we can't feel their hurt we can only listen and comfort them and share our own experience.
I am happy to be where I am now. Having that discussion with my sister really freed me to relate to her as a person instead of listening to big sister advice. Today I am grateful to be free from the past.