Thursday, January 31, 2013

Life isn't all snorts and giggles.

I woke up early this morning and spent some time writing in my journal and I then made myself a lunch to take to work. I have never done either of these thing before in the morning.  Being a night owl mornings are for coffee and a dash out the door.

I am really changing in the deepest part of myself these days. The core of me is becoming stronger and stronger and the fear has left. This doesn't mean life is all snorts and giggles. When I did get to work I had an immediate run in with someone on the phone. A older very condescending man who doesn't like the idea of girls in business. That is a total judgement on my part but I can own up to that.

My friend is here staying with me. Her father is at the end of his life and decisions are being made. We talked this morning on why people fight death. She is also a Hospice nurse and has a lot of experience in that department.

It seems some people a willing to just move on and other fight even when their quality of life is poor. Her father is an atheist and maybe the idea of nothing but this is too terrifying.

I don't fear death anymore and I believe this is just a moment in time for my spirit. I am not sure about re-incarnation or the heavenly mansion I learned about as a child but I feel certain that this isn't it.

I hope when I go I will be peaceful and with people that love me. Is there anything else?

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I saw a bag crossing the road.

I saw a bag crossing the road .  It was just sitting there on the side of the road and just as I reached it dashed across the road quickly unharmed. I guessed it must be headed back to the store.

I spent the day with a friend who is fighting an addiction. Winning for today which is good since that is all we have. That is all that is asked of us is to make it through this one day with our without an addiction.

We have all kinds of addiction in this world. Many substitutes for what we believe is missing from our lives. Filling these spaces with food, alcohol, drugs or even taking care of others. Grasping for what is outside ourselves to quiet our deepest fears. Our fear that we are not enough.

When I first came the program I didn't realize this was my real fear. I knew I was always afraid of losing something or someone . When I found something or someone that made me feel good I latched on to it with all my might.

The minute I did this what ever it was started to die. Holding on so tight squeezed the joy and spontaneity out of everything. The very spontaneity that gave it joy to begin with. The ease of the way life flows naturally if you let it. I had no ease just control.

Even in my search for spiritual freedom I distorted it into something to use against myself. What started as a path to freedom became another way to judge myself and the work I needed to do to be my best.  To become a better person the kind a person someone could love.

What I know now is that I will never be good enough for someone to love me until I am good enough for myself. I have found that nothing outside myself will fill this longing to be enough. I have to undo this idea I have created that I am not enough unless I am loved by another person.

I have found my way to truth through pain and suffering. Is there another way I am not sure. For me suffering was necessary because I was so entrenched in the childhood beliefs that I couldn't let go and see the love that was missing in my life. The love of the god of my understanding and ultimately self-love.

My existence makes me worthy of love. Is a baby or a person sleeping on the sidewalk less worthy of love because they are not adding value that can be readily seen. Of course not. Can I see that I am lovable just as I am.

It was hard for me to grasp this idea. That I am not the sum of the things that I accomplish. I can't use the love of others as barometer for whether I am worthy of love.

With this kind of freedom I can begin to relax and do what feels right in my heart and not because I need to get approval from someone or even because I need to see myself as a good person.  When my heart is full and relaxed I do things with love and without strings and it doesn't feel like work.

Meeting with my friend today made me see where I was not too long ago and how we can be our own worst  enemy.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

It hurts to be shut out
It hurts when someone you thought you knew and loved shuts you out of their lives. It can happen in a big way with a partner or spouse but friends can do this too.

A person I have know for more than 10 years has decided we are no longer friends. We work together and we had a mix up and now she has shut me out. I thought in time she would calm down and resume our friendship but I guess I must let that idea go.

It is hard not to take it personally and I have thought about what I should do to resolve this but I don't think that at this point anything will be the right thing. She is going through her own tribulation right now and feeling like she can't trust anyone and now I have been added to the list.

It made me think of when I went to the dark side and shut everyone out of my own life. I only let people in the didn't have any expectation of me or want anything from me emotionally. The one person I did let in isn't even a part of my life right now. I isn't personal things change and people move on.

Practicing non resistance I am just going to let this go. I want to call and justify my position explain how I am feeling say that I thought our relationship was more important than this. But I am not going to I am going to just let go and let God resolve the situation.

I would be happy to here from anyone that has experienced being shut out by a friend. Am I doing the right thing by just letting it go?

Feeling sad about the whole thing disappointed that our relationship isn't stronger.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Practicing non-resistance

I am home working today trying to meet some pretty daunting deadlines. This business is always feast or famine really either nothing to do or everything happens at the same time.

I have be sluggish for a while so getting ramped up isn't easy but very fun. The thrill of all those balls in the air is pretty satisfying at first and I am certainly out of practice.  I accuse my partner of this all the time adding too much to her plate and managing a family to boot. But here I am doing the same thing. You spot it you got it is what they always say.

I am taking this time out to write because it calms me and brings me back to the ground. I have realized recently just how sensitive to noise I am even the whir of the fan plugged into my computer can sometimes make my skin crawl.

I drive around in my car in silence. I remember as a child having a house full of relatives and after a few hours hiding out in the basement.

I am happy to know myself well enough now to know what will make me feel better. I use to think I was just nuts with all the anxiety crowds caused me. Now I know to just limit them to a certain amount of hours and then plug in some time afterward to unwind.

Practicing non-resistance is really working for me these days. I think people can since when you are secure where you are and I feel secure.

I am meeting another client tonight that wandered into the store while I was working late on Saturday. They had a plan and a number from a big box store. They are ready to move forward and I am heading to their house shortly.

I have been letting go and thinking to myself that if something isn't meant to be then something better will come along. Everything is exactly in order even if it isn't my the order I imagined.  

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Trust the process - Growing

My spiritual focus these days has been about non-resistance.  About not judging anything as good or bad just accepting things and people just as they are for the moment.

My pain always comes from my own story about everything.  It comes from the ideas that I have about things or people and clinging to those ideas desperately. It can really be painful if I believe that if it does change I will get hurt in the process. Instead of thinking of an even better out come.

I know when I am able to truly not care about something one way or another and trust the process  I amazed how quickly the situation will resolve itself.

If I can be quiet within myself and listen to my spiritual voice I can root out the truth behind my fears and see that it has nothing to do with the actual situation at hand. Instead I usually try to find someone to blame even if that is myself. If only they could work with me instead of against me then this would be so much easier. But for me I have a hard time with trusting 100% that everything will work out.

Lately I feel that my livelihood is being shaken up. As a single person with a mortgage my mind instantly takes me to poverty and homelessness. I discount the fact that I have many skills and have friends that would take me in if I needed them to.

I had a breakthrough last weekend and stopped seeing the worst case scenario  Stating to myself that this can be a new chapter in my life and that my own ideas about how my life were so limiting. I thought about the freedom and opening up to the possibilities.

This week I had two potential job offers and I also started something new on my own. Not that I am ready to make a change but if I wanted to there are other options for me. Also someone left me a note in my mailbox saying they wanted to buy my house. Wow I didn't even consider that possibility. My house isn't for sale and I am not behind on my payments so I don't think it is a flipper. I am going to investigate.

Interesting and I thought what would my life be like if I wasn't tethered to my house or my current business. I felt lighter with that thought. I love my house but I am not the person I use to be needing to feel attached to something in order the feel whole. I have grown. We will see what the universe presents to me.

Thursday, January 17, 2013
I have crazy busy which is a good thing.  I have had a lot on my mind and my sleep patterns have been kind of strange. Waking up before the crack of dawn for a few hours and then going back to sleep.

At 4 o'clock this morning a woke up and decided to watch some TV instead of laying there wishing I could go back to sleep.  I watched a Nova special on the salmon migration in Alaska.

The salmon travel some 6,000 miles to get back to where their life started. Swimming up stream over rocks sometimes surrounded by hungry bears. They survive by sheer numbers and determination. Never giving up even if the only a small number make it to their final destination.

They can smell the minerals of fresh water and it is enough to keep them going and going in the right direction.

I wish sometimes I had the ability to smell something in the wind that would point me in the right direction. I wish I was that confident about the choices in front of me.

I do have good instincts if I can just them. When things come unraveled or I realize they never raveled in the first place it can make you question your instincts.

The world is shifting for me but I don't have any fear about it. I feel a perfect benevolent storm is heading my way and the beginning of a new life for me.

I was the salmon for many years before the program and swimming up stream was a part of life. I thought that was all there was but I learned I could change my thinking. Now sometimes can just trust that everything is just as it is suppose to be. I can float down stream and enjoy the ride and not be worried about bears around every corner.

I feel peaceful and taken care of even though I have no idea just how that is going to happen.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Brace yourself
The universe has been throwing me a few curve balls at me the past few days. Conspiring to push all my fear buttons at the same time.  I am struggling to be still and know that I am not God and it will all work out.

Before the program I lived my life like a lot of people do in defense.  I prepared for every conceivable disaster that my imagination could create. My mind worked over time going through every possible scenario except of course the one that actually happened.

Life was something to brace yourself for because who ever was in charge up there was not on your side. Living in defense is exhausting because when something bad happens you think it is your fault you must of missed something. Truthfully you spend so much time in your head you can't see the obvious problems when there right there in front of you.

I am not sure why we think that we have the power to control the universe or why we take so much responsibility for in my case just about everything.

Living the spiritual life on my best days I can just let life take its course even when it looks like things aren't going the way I planned or hoped. I have to trust that just because I can't see how things will turn out doesn't mean that they won't turn out because they always do. Most of the time better than I imagine.

I still think that I am responsible for everything. Especially when people are mad or upset with me. I always think it is my fault somehow and sometimes it is and sometimes you just get side swiped by someone else's lesson. It isn't always about me. Really!

Yes I still give myself a debreifing listing all the ways I would or should have handled the situation differently. But hindsight is 20/20 and  I am learning that life is just life and to just get on with it.

I don't feel the need to prepare for disaster anymore. I still worry when too many things are stirred up in my life at the same time. I worry when my livelihood is threaten. My ultimate fear not being able to support myself and being a burden to someone else.

I was up all night the night before with worry but last night I slept great. I woke up and decided that I will be taken care if I just trust the process. My God has always provided for me even when I didn't trust that he would. Today I feel able to trust that I am in good hands

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Darrell - Fig Newtons and 10 speeds

I needed to get away from my desk for a few moments today. The cabinet shop in the back was using one of their machine that vibrates my office and produces a high whining noise just for good measure so I went out and sat in my car for a few moments and ate a fig newton.

While sitting there a very thin old man road by on his 10 speed bicycle and he reminded me of someone from the past.

When my husband worked for a major restaurant here in the mid 80's there was a dishwasher that worked there named Darrell. Darrell lived on the streets and road a beat up 10 speed.  He had long stringy hair and looked like he had escaped from somewhere .

He never spoke a word but showed up every day for work.  I think my husband, who had a soft heart. had talked management into letting him work there.  He was a little paranoid but seemed okay for washing dishes.

I knew about Darrell because I had to pick my husband up from work everyday he had lost his license. I would sit in the car behind the restaurant and see Darrell taking a break by the dumpster where he chained his bike.

One day he went missing. He had had some outburst and disappeared. From time to time we would see him on his bike riding about the city. He always looked like he was in a big hurry to get somewhere.

The guy today could have been him. He was the right age and under his unshaven face he could be have been Darrell. Even all these years later.

It is probably just a fantasy. We really didn't know what was wrong with him whether it was alcohol or drugs or maybe just mental illness or all three who knows.

There are so many people out there that seem like they need help but a lot of them just want to be left alone. I sent him peace in my mind wherever is today.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Do I need to be right? - Can I let it go?

In my life I try to look at things from a spiritual perspective. If I don't like someone's behavior I try to look at it without my ego. This of course isn't easy to do because in my mind it is always about me.

I try look at the situation and think have I ever acted this way? Has there been a time when I needed someone to cut me some slack and accept hurtful behavior from me? Inevitably the answer is always yes.

Do I want to just try to love that person instead of defending my position? Can I be okay with them thinking there right and that I am wrong? Does being right make me feel superior or does it quell the insecurities I feel about myself? Can my ego let me take the high road and move on?

I have been through a lot just as everyone else has in the past few years. But really I could only experience the pain of my own life and this pain made me both empathetic to others but also made me realize that we are alone in our suffering. We can be with others and they can be with us but we can't know what they are experiencing or give advice to them on how to escape the inevitable pain that life dishes out.

When I was at my lowest I wanted someone help me. I was mad because no one knew how to help me and everywhere I turned people were running from me. A drowning person will take you down if your not careful.  

When someone is in a bad place we all feel helpless and there is really nothing that can be done. The war is an internal one and all we can do it not take it personally. We can try to think of a time when we were there in that place of pain and might of hurt someone else.

My ego isn't happy with this sort of talk and I am currently in a situation where I want to defend myself. But it will fall on deaf ears. I can accept for today that this too shall pass and that things always do work out even if it isn't the way I expect.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I hate green beans - Resolution
I did some cleaning over the break and I think I am finally ready to admit something. I hate green beans. I cleaned out the refrigerator and the evidence was obvious I had three different containers of green beans basically untouched.

I actually made two out of the three containers and one was a parting gift from someones house. I accepted knowing full well I would just add it to the already  building collection I had in my frig.

As a foodie I pride myself on liking most every kind of food and I guess I just couldn't admit to myself that there is a food I don't really like. I have cooked green beans in many tasty ways and still I don't like them.

So there it is, I admit it, there is one food I don't like. Green beans.

Silly I know but this proves to me once again that we do things out of habit even if we don't want to or don't enjoy it anymore. You can't have a holiday in the south without green beans. Can you?

My resolution this year is to look closely at what I need and want in my life and to let go of what isn't working for me anymore.

Happy New Year!