Monday, July 31, 2017

Inventory - Imagine - spaces

I was cleaning my garage yesterday an idea I had at the spur of the moment. It was raining and windy so the temperature was acceptable. Every time I take on something like this it feels like I am taking an inventory of my life. Everything out there represents a time in my life or person or worse some unfinished project. Up until now I haven't felt safe enough to let go of much of anything.

I try to tell myself it is because I am creative person and like to have all this stuff incase the spirit moves me and I think of something cool to do with it. But in reality I don't like waste of any kind so if I think something needs to be saved for repurposing then I keep it. 

When I moved into this house my spirit had been shattered. I didn't have time to look at anything and I packed everything or I should say my friends packed everything. Over the years I have gotten rid of the obvious junk but never the stuff that I imagined I might need.  

I thought something would happen in my life that would make it clear what I would need to keep and what I should let go.  Ironically the physical path works just like the spiritual path slow and steady. We are only able to see a short way in front of us most the time so we have be happy with just moving forward.  We can imagine a big bold folk in the road with a clear sign "go this way" we can even force a big move on ourselves but we always end up right here with ourselves doing what we are doing today. 

I use to think what happened to me was unique.  This is before I grew up and realized what has happened to me wasn't a direct result of who I am it is just life. During my own inventory I was able to see how the people I chose reflected the way I felt myself.  I have been able to see my own desperate need to find validation gave away my own power. Thinking that my own worth was based on whether you loved me if you do then I am lovable but if you don't then I am not. 

I did have to change in order to love myself the way I wanted to be loved. I had to give up the dependence I had on the opinions of others. I now have to face everyday what scares me even if that is the story I have about each piece of junk I have in my garage. They represent the past which makes me think about how I got here and the people I have lost.  

Taking an inventory of "my stuff" spiritually and in this case physically gives me the chance to see where I have been and what I am now willing to let go of.  I can make space for something new or I can just make space to just breath. 

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Acceptance - Heartbreaking - Running

Acceptance is something that has been forced upon me over the years.  I always felt when people talked about it that it seemed like giving up or at least giving in to unacceptable circumstances.  Now I feel my own lack of acceptance at any given time really is the source of my unhappiness.

My thoughts were always "I don't want this to be happening to me right now" or "I don't want to feel this way right now".  At this point I usually run as fast as I can towards any distraction instead of just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings I am having.

This week my friends daughter was diagnosed with something bad. She is a recovering addict for eight years from crack and other things. They say her situation is terminal and short term. Everyone is in shock and trying to find their place in this new situation. Her mother my friend has Parkinson's and her daughter and her husband moved here to help look after her as he illness progresses.  What now?

Life isn't fair and it is so random.  I use to think that if I did everything right then I could keep the bad stuff at bay. We have spiritual beliefs that give us the illusion that with the right behavior and mind set we can protect ourselves from our worst imagined fears.  These beliefs do give us support during our transition from shock to acceptance but life just keeps happening.

Acceptance is all we have when life is heartbreaking if we push back we miss the moments that are happening now. The spaces of happiness that can be found every day.  The weekend before we got this tragic news a few of us had gone to new local restaurant. It was a beautiful night with breezes blowing in July so we sat outside. The food was great it was the perfect night. None of us could imagine what the next week would bring. We all soaked it up and something perfect to remember.

I do believe in the spiritual and my search for it has brought me back from what felt like was permanent darkness. The power of the spiritual is that we can open ourselves up to life as it happens instead of running.

We don't want to waste time standing with our backs against the wall bracing ourselves for the next impact.  We have to let life wash over us knowing that it is not our fault it is just life.  Blaming ourselves or anyone else is just away of running from what is and thinking we can control might come next.

Acceptance can give us moments of peace to see what is right in front of us. To see what is going on with the person sitting right there in front of right now what comfort do they need. Instead of wasting time being miserable about the future we will have plenty of time for that when it comes.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Spaces - Being alone - stay cation

I took the week of the 4th off.  I decided at the last minute and figured that I had jury duty on Monday and the whole country was off on Tuesday and everyone else could live without me for the three remaining days.  The idea of being on my own for that amount of time up until now terrified me. I am not even that great for a long weekend too much time to think but this week was different.

I didn't plan anything unless you count jury duty which was planned for me.  Luckily they all decided to settle after we waited at the courthouse for a few hours.  We never actually made to the rooms where they question you trying to find out you prejudices. A judge came out and read us parts of the Declaration of Independence to fill our time while the lawyers were trying to settle things. I figure they all had plans for the 4th and just wanted to get out of there. We lucked out.

The theme for my week off was spaces.  I read once when hanging art that each piece should have a certain amount of space around it to let the viewers eyes rest and contemplate on what was in front of them.  This is what I did for the week I left space and time to just float around doing anything that might interest me.

Being a person with ADD in order to accomplish anything I have to stay focused on a specific task and put blinders on to keep the visual (shinny pennies) or auditory (conversation of others) at bay. I start something and I just stay with it until I am finished. It takes me longer sometimes but it works for me not to multi-task and on my best days I get it all done.

My point is the week I was off I just did what every task my mind was interested in even if it was only five minutes. It was pure joy just running from one thing to another without a plan. When I got tired I would sit on the porch and wait for the next urge. I planted - I cleaned - did some art - watch some TV and started a book.  I wasn't a hermit I spent the 4th with a friend - Friday shopping with a friend from work and Sunday hiking with a friend from the past.

It was the best stay cation ever for me.  I had considered going to see my sister but the timing did not fill right for me or for her. In my moments or spaces of contemplation I looked at the big picture of my life and felt happy to be me again.  It feels strange to be a better and stronger person than I was when I started this blog. I was wounded by life and I thought those wounds were permanent but this was a limited perspective. A wounded perspective that only time has healed.

I know there are a lot of people out there suffering like I did and when I meet them I know not to take their actions towards me personally. I don't know what they have endured that has made them who they are today but it has nothing to do with me. I can listen and if I need to I can stand up for myself this keeps resentments at bay. But mostly I can remember what I have been through and know that I haven't always been at my best either and hope they will find peace.

I feel lucky that my sub-conscious mind was always looking for a way out of my paralyzing depression and the years of self help and 12-steps stored there helped me to find my way back.

Today I am seeing the spaces in my life and deciding what I want to fill them with. Each day seems like a promise something to look forward to instead of something to fear. I am so grateful.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Baggage - Freedom

I was watched a lizard crawling across a horizontal support on the porch this morning.  He had a clump of debris around one of his back legs.  He just kept going and didn't seem to notice even though it was slowing him down and making his movements a  little awkward.  This made me think of how we sometimes carry so much obvious baggage that others can see so clearly but we just can't see it ourselves.  We just keep moving although very slow ignoring the obvious.

The week it was announced that someone is leaving from the company. A person I don't know well but they affect everything that happens in our world. A brilliant person that exudes so much anger that it infects everyone.  I have often wondered what story are they telling themselves to make them so unhappy. Their life from the outside is enviable to most peoples standards but that doesn't mean anything.  It is that inside story that controls our day to day happiness.

For me it was and still is sometimes that I am not lovable. I am somehow damaged throughout my life this has made me try harder to be liked and with those closest to me I would do anything to secure that love. Since I have found that this doesn't work, love cannot be secured,  today this idea makes me do less to please. I have dropped out of the social world all together. I don't really notice it that much unless it is a holiday and generally just doing my own thing makes me happy.

I do worry that if I was to go missing it would take awhile for anyone to find me. I have been evaluating the relationships I do have and seeing that there is something missing. Recently after seeing a terrible accident I called someone I barely knew at work instead of my closer friends. This made me sad and missing more intimate relationships.  I use to be the person called in a crisis but now no one calls me and I don't call them.

I know this is all selfish talk here and if I live long enough I will work through this and find the intimacy that I am looking for or not. It doesn't escape me that you get back what you put out there and being more selfless would conjure up more of what I think I want. I will get there eventually.

This week I am taking time off.  I have been sick this past month and the timing seems as right as it is going to be.  Tomorrow I have jury duty at 8am downtown but the rest of the week looks open.

Before the announcement at work I have been praying that person. I have been imagining light and happiness surrounding them. All our pain is in our heads and the baggage can be dealt with if we stop long enough to look at it and know that it is our thoughts that make us suffer.  We run so fast thinking we can out run it and all the while dragging it with us. Just like that lizard.