Filling in the blanks - Lesson learned

I slept in this morning really late mostly because I couldn't sleep last night I finally dosed off around 3 AM.  I never really know what causes that but over the years I have decided not to fight it even if I have to get up early the next day.  Luckily today is a day of rest for me so sleeping in is aloud.

I was sitting on my porch with my big cup of hot tea with milk looking at the jungle that is my back yard.  A wave of gratefulness washed me and for the first time in a long time I feel  really happy to just be where I am.

Everything is coming together for me not in a big way but in a lot of little ways producing a big effect. I am beginning to feel safe again.  I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin doing what I do best being me.

Picture for bussel sprouts post

I doubted for a long time that I would ever feel the comfort I use to feel.  In the past I only really felt those feelings within the boundaries of a committed relationship.  It was easier to know who I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to be doing.  A relationship always filled in the blanks in my life and I could use it as and excuse if I didn't get to do what I wanted to do.

It wasn't about financial security to me, even though that was really nice, it was about what I thought was emotionally security.  Looking back I can see that used the relationships more like a sedative to quell the unrest I had deep in my heart the unrest caused by the idea that I wasn't good enough.

I spent many years proving I was worthy of love.  Doing awesome things to show just how valuable I was to everyone.  This includes my work life as well as my personal life.  When I was fired after eleven years on the job I lost 240 sick days because a dedicated employee would never put themselves first. I have to laugh now.

I realize now that this has been my life lesson.  It has been repeated over and over in my life since the moment I decided if I played by the rules and was as perfect as I could be people would see how valuable I was and keep me around. They would appreciate me and love me.  I would feel safe.

I know now that the safety I was looking for was inside of me the whole time.  I don't have to prove my worth to anyone but me and the critic in my head.  On my best days I can see just being ordinary is good enough. I don't have achieve superstar status in the eyes of others or in my own eyes to know I will be loved.

I am lovable just the way I am warts and all and I no longer need someone else to confirm that for me. I am happy to end this life lesson of sacrifice and rejection. I don't have to prove anything to anyone but me and that of course is a full time job.

Now that I know that, I think I am actually ready for a new relationship where I am not looking for someone to fill in the blanks for me.  I can do that myself now.