Sunday, June 14, 2015
Fathers - Healing
On the subject of Father's Day. I loved my father and he loved me. I waited a lifetime for him to reach out to me and make me feel like I deserved to be loved, but it never happened. All of my relationships have been affected by the idea that my father didn't love me. I felt that if I wasn't enough for him then I would never be enough for anyone.
I wasn't worth him taking the time to pursue me ever. After I left home at 16 he let me go and never looked back. Ironically I can be just like that too. I don't pursue but I wait until I am let go and I never look back.
This was just who my father was and it wasn't directed just towards me. In recovery I got the courage to ask him why he let me go he said "every body's got to do what they got to do." I knew at that moment that it wasn't about me. I really wanted it to be.
It really felt worse because I knew I would never get the hole in my heart filled by the man sitting in front of me. I thought I would be forever broken I thought he was the only hope I had for feeling normal.
It took another two decades (sorry) to get past that moment today I finally know it was this belief that I was broken that actually held me back. I thought had to accept the idea that nothing could be done about my brokenness and learn to live with it.
This was a big lie I told myself and I had plenty of other people telling me I had a perfect right to feel broken and hurt. My friends and I were all the same it felt good to find others like me and this became my life's focus trying to make the best of my brokenness. Finding ways to find happiness despite the past.
I had to realize that dwelling on what I thought was missing made me miss the life I was actually living. I was never 100% there because I was always trying to solve the problem of myself and what I was missing. Living with alcoholism helped because it gave me relief from the problem of me and put it on the problem of someone else.
I thought the best I could hope for was to deal with my feelings of the past. Now I know I can choose to just think of my past as novel I finished reading yesterday. It is done it can't affect me today unless I want let it. If I give in it might be because I enjoy identifying with the pain and suffering of the past. To me this was a habit I had done so long it was as natural as breathing. I see it now how stuck I was in my thinking.
When I go out in the world today I can be who I choose to be and if I want I can choose not to be that broken person in my head. Sometimes if I am with those that knew me before it is more difficult because they have their story of me and it hard for them to accept that I have changed. They may be holding tightly to their own story and it makes them uncomfortable that I have moved on.
I have lost some people in my life and I have given up others. I just don't fit with those living in the past or those that need someone to take care of. I am no longer any one's project.
I am grateful for my past today but I am not going to live there. I am also grateful for my father who although he wasn't an emotional giant he did love me and said so even if i didn't believe him. He did give me the ability to fix all kinds of things and a curious mind.
I do agree with one thing my father said "every body's got to do what they got to do."