I am home for the second day of my weekend. I didn't even bother to pack up my computer in case I had a work emergency. I have been doing the ordinary things that one does in life like cleaning and laundry. I have to admit that during my depression I got out of the habit of regular anything most less cleaning.
When I lived with addiction cleaning was what I did while I waited for my love to have that last drink and come home. I would get calls every hour saying "I am leaving right now" this was before I even knew I was dealing with addiction. I thought if he loved me he would rather be with me than out drinking with his friends. I blamed myself for his behavior I was never a happy person in those days I had found my happiness in him and I knew I was losing him which made me so controlling.
Everything was the same as it had been before but for some reason he was staying away more and more. I tried to be prettier and keep the house clean. I tried not to nag him about not coming home but I did try to find out what it was about me that was keeping him away. Desperation is so attractive.
I was so young then in my early twenties trying to create the family I felt I missed out on in my life. I wanted stability and love so I latched on to someone who said they wanted the same thing. I didn't know the strength of addiction and I had built my self-esteem around the fact that this fabulous person loved me so I must be really special. Everybody did love him all he had to do is enter the room and the sun came out.
I was losing and I blamed myself. I knew if I tried hard enough I could solve this puzzle and things could go back to the way they were before I just had to keep trying. You know how this ends and for me I was lucky because it ended with a beginning. I started my spiritual journey in Al-Anon.
I thought I was alone with all those desperate thoughts in my mind. I thought I was alone with my schemes to control him to make this marriage work. What I found out was that my situation was mild in comparison to what others had suffered. I cried after my first meeting because I didn't feel so alone anymore I could begin to stop blaming myself for everything.
By then he had left me for someone else so I never had to practice what I had learned with active alcoholism. What I did get to do is see my actual part in the drama of my life. I could see just how much of my own power I had handed over to this person if they didn't love me then I was unlovable. I wish I could say I haven't repeated this exercise again and again in the years that have passed since then.
It is okay because I have learned enough not to go there for too long. I have had to learn to love myself whether anyone loves me or not. I am loved but it is conditionally even my love for myself is conditional. Only the God of my understanding can offer me anything else.
Today I am finishing my cleaning for no other reason than to do what needs to be done. I am a little on the sad side today and I am wishing I had someone to share my life with not just anyone but someone that I could have a healthy relationship with. Maybe someone to share these chores. Tomorrow I will be back in the thick of things and this day will be a memory. I better get back to my cleaning. al