This morning I have had a few things swirling around in my head. This isn't unusual it is the second day of two days off and I have been alone. Because it is Monday there is some underlying stream of consciousness telling me I could go to the office or work here at home.
This good versus evil has plagued me since I started working Saturdays 14 years ago. Now that I only work every other Saturday I only have to deal with it every other week. I know in my heart that I will not work today. It isn't good for the spirit even if you love your job to not take a break. Time away from the sameness a chance to work on some of those other circuits in the brain that us workaholics neglect.
Of course my usual go to activity is watching TV but this weekend I did not give in and decided to work on a few indoor projects. The treasures I bought from the thrift store needed to be rehabbed. This kind of day makes me feel like my old self the task oriented person I was before I decided there was something wrong with me or at least before I cared so much.
It is hard to find peace especially if you have an analytical mind. The idea that there must be a solution for what ever suffering you are currently experiencing. Your mind constantly searching for a way out of what you perceive as unhappiness.
I watched a program on the life of Buddha last night. It made me think this suffering is the ultimate unsolvable problem and has been going on a long time. That humans have trying to find a solution for it since the beginning. The Buddha at first thought starving himself was the answer but when this brought him only more suffering he found that abandoning the search and accepting what is in front of you is the only solution. Nirvana wanting what you have in this moment.
I am not saying that we can't change our circumstances and that we should give up but in each moment we can see that this is but a moment and we are already here so we can just live it. Knowing that it will change and when does even if it is the best we can imagine that moment will pass too.
The minds idea of "destination happiness" robs us of today and for me I blamed myself when the happiness passed. I thought that when I had it I must have been doing something right and when I was unhappy and lonely I must be doing something wrong or worse that there was something wrong with me. Right?
Life is not complicated we are complicated. Life is a string of events that we sometimes can't control and it is our thoughts about these events that decide what we do and how we feel next. Feeling sadness or fear isn't the problem it is idea that some how we can escape these feelings that makes us lose time and miss the moments we have now. Moments we can not get back.
I want to be happy. Even that statement is a future statement I think this is what the message of the Buddha was just be where you are and know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are just living and experiencing what all humans have experienced. Life.