I was watched a lizard crawling across a horizontal support on the porch this morning. He had a clump of debris around one of his back legs. He just kept going and didn't seem to notice even though it was slowing him down and making his movements a little awkward. This made me think of how we sometimes carry so much obvious baggage that others can see so clearly but we just can't see it ourselves. We just keep moving although very slow ignoring the obvious.
The week it was announced that someone is leaving from the company. A person I don't know well but they affect everything that happens in our world. A brilliant person that exudes so much anger that it infects everyone. I have often wondered what story are they telling themselves to make them so unhappy. Their life from the outside is enviable to most peoples standards but that doesn't mean anything. It is that inside story that controls our day to day happiness.
For me it was and still is sometimes that I am not lovable. I am somehow damaged throughout my life this has made me try harder to be liked and with those closest to me I would do anything to secure that love. Since I have found that this doesn't work, love cannot be secured, today this idea makes me do less to please. I have dropped out of the social world all together. I don't really notice it that much unless it is a holiday and generally just doing my own thing makes me happy.
I do worry that if I was to go missing it would take awhile for anyone to find me. I have been evaluating the relationships I do have and seeing that there is something missing. Recently after seeing a terrible accident I called someone I barely knew at work instead of my closer friends. This made me sad and missing more intimate relationships. I use to be the person called in a crisis but now no one calls me and I don't call them.
I know this is all selfish talk here and if I live long enough I will work through this and find the intimacy that I am looking for or not. It doesn't escape me that you get back what you put out there and being more selfless would conjure up more of what I think I want. I will get there eventually.
This week I am taking time off. I have been sick this past month and the timing seems as right as it is going to be. Tomorrow I have jury duty at 8am downtown but the rest of the week looks open.
Before the announcement at work I have been praying that person. I have been imagining light and happiness surrounding them. All our pain is in our heads and the baggage can be dealt with if we stop long enough to look at it and know that it is our thoughts that make us suffer. We run so fast thinking we can out run it and all the while dragging it with us. Just like that lizard.