There has been a little lull in the action at work the past couple of weeks. The quiet has generated some fear about my security. I have push that away and decided to take this time to purge old files at both my current position and at home purging files from my closed company. It feels like "This is Your Life" or "This was Your Life" depending which boxes.
I started with the more recent boxes from the old business which was during the end of the recession. Those jobs were mostly small jobs and for me thy represented some of the worst times in the business. Since I packed up in one weekend I didn't have time to look at much of anything. This seems like a familiar theme in my life leaving in a hurry. I had all the bids I gave whether I got the job or not. The time I wasted on jobs that I knew in my heart would never happen. I needed them to happen to survive or so I thought.
I was new in the business and the times they were desperate and I had to at least try to close anything that came to me. I am older and wiser these days and instinctively I know when I should pass on a customer even if sometimes I don't. My intuition is good but sometimes I take a chance even if I know it is a long shot. This way I don't take it personally if it doesn't work out.
When going through these files I only saw my problem customers. The jobs where the people were difficult to begin with and I couldn't magically make them happy. I skipped over the people that loved what I did for them and ended up with something better than they imagined. I only saw my own short comings what I could have done differently.
When I am my worst critic it is because I believe if only I had been a little more on my game things would have turned out differently. It always puts the control back on me instead of all parties involved. At the time I wanted to believe that I had magical powers and could make these people happy if only...this thinking leads me to "I am not enough" a core belief I have fought most of my life.
After the second box I felt I needed help so I turned to an old stand by on YouTube a teacher named Gangaji. The first video she said it "We will never be enough" stop this endless search for perfection. Life is not about the destination of "being enough" the search for this feeling exhaust us and keeps us from loving the life we have. Seeing was is right with our world. Lost our thoughts instead of what is in front of us. I needed to hear it. My thoughts about myself were making me miserable.
Today I woke up lighter. This is a pattern I have noticed about myself I take a dip and then I have another awakening and I am ready to move on. I have learned or re-learned something and now I can stop taking myself so seriously.
I realize again that whatever happens isn't always about me. I am not the center of the universe. All I can do is be my best self and let other people do the same and if it works out great if it doesn't just move on. The good news is that I only have three boxes left. UGH!