Depression - Suicide - Feeling nothing

With the conversation of suicide everywhere this week it is hard to ignore.  You hear that it is so selfish and why would a person with seemingly everything end there life?  I am not a mental health expert and I can only share my own experience with depression and thoughts of suicide.

For me I felt so bad for so long that the thought that I had to face another day feeling the same way made me want to end my life. The truth is I didn't feel bad I felt nothing for what felt like years.  I had experienced depression and grief since I was in my early teens but at those times I could connect the sadness and grief to something.  The death of my mother - the harsh treatment of me by my family - when my husband left.  These are obvious moments that required grief and I knew they would end.  The last time when it hit me it started out as grief but it never left me.

Our minds and bodies can go against us. In the world of recovery the meetings help to root the really screwed of thinking we have when we get there.  The steps simplify our view on life giving us the space to step get out of our heads and listen to what works for other people. The program saved me mainly by giving me a place to escape from myself and helped me to stop blaming myself for everything. It didn' work this time.

What my last experience taught me was that sometimes you can go so low that your mind will not let anyone in and if you are in a program and you are suppose to be further along people don't recognize the pain behind the mask. By this time you are the one giving support and not being supported.

It is those that talk a great talk that will suffer in silence until something breaks.  The ego is reluctant to step out of the lime light and say to another person "hey I don't want to live anymore. Is that normal?"

You can never know what is in the mind of another person. These days people post such happy things on social media and we want to believe that their lives are great.  It is a cover maybe even for the person putting it out there. In my life people ran and I didn't blame them.  I wanted to run too but had no place to go.

I think for myself looking back now I did tell some people but it was so out of character for me I don't think they understood how bad it was. How could they?  What saved me besides grace was this blog for one and the idea if I wanted to end my life I could choose to do it tomorrow. Giving myself 24 hour increments until eventually I felt better.

I wanted to be free from -- Feeling  Nothing.  I do want to add that I found out later that medically I some serious thyroid problems on top of menopause and the loss of the life I use to have.  I call it the perfect storm.  I always believed that talk therapy solved most emotional problems but today I think that the body and what I am feeding it affects my mental state more than I want to admit.

When your depressed you don't eat or you eat sugar and fat. Your brain has nothing to work with.  When you are down you aren't really interested in taking care of yourself you aren't interested in anything.  That is the point - that is real depression.  You just want out and sadly you aren't rational enough to value your presents on this earth. You just want to feel better and see no options.