I had a lot of time on my own this holiday I didn't feel like forcing my plans on the universe and decided to just let life it's natural course. This decision left me empty and a little panicked that my life has become so small. This is just my mind working against me. I decided to try to just relax and accept things the way they are instead of wishing them to magically be different.
When the anxiety of being alone comes to the surface the first thing I want to do is blame myself. I blame where I am on all the bad decisions I have made. Choosing the wrong people to love or picking the road less traveled spiritually and alienating myself from my family.
If only I had done things differently my life would have ended up like one of those holiday TV movies. This thought is about about control I tried that route when I was younger. I was still abandoned by the people that were suppose to love me. At that point with the help of the program I decided to let go and just go where ever life took me. I was happier by far but in the end I was left again. At that point I decided there was something wrong with me. Another lie I told myself.
This is just life and you just have to deal with it. I feel I am ready to enjoy life again and feel another shift happening. With work being slow right now I decided to clean out my office after five years. It was so busy when I started and I have had my head down learning. Where does the time go?
I cleared out all those old files some where I had invested so much time and paperwork in people that never came to anything. This is a little disheartening but I am seasoned now and have a different process for handling customers and purging my files. Ironically the first person I waited on yesterday I had been to their house two years ago and now they are ready. I still had that file. Funny.
Doing nothing is really scary but it can bring on an awakening. Getting past the doer in me is hard with the list of things that I want to do along with with the things that need to be done. I felt frozen even after lecturing myself daily about all the valuable time I was wasting. I did do a few things like baking cookies for the office and on Christmas day going to a friends open house and then to an Al-Anon meeting. It was my home group location and it felt good.
The meeting was on the 12th step and it did give me an opportunity to see just how many awakenings I have had over the years. Some in your face awakenings and some revealed slowly over time. Awakenings require you to step back from your situation sometime willingly and other time by force it seems we have no choice.
Today I am feeling good. Just writing this has made me trust the awkward space between me and myself. It is sometimes ugly being me and I have hurt myself and other people trying to figure things out. It was never intentional or personal just like the people that hurt me. We are just trying to make it through life the best we can even if it isn't always good enough. It is what we have at the moment.
I can see I needed this empty time to evaluate where I have been and where I want to go and make choices in that direction. I don't micro manage my life anymore and I don't let my life run me either so I have come to middle and I can make decision today to my life a little better.
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