I have had an up and down week - really up on Thursday afternoon when I worked on straightening out my new studio room. Because I am ADD with a little OCD mixed in I can spend a lot of time getting ready to do something. Organizing is my thing and getting everything just right is my game. What happens when I do get it right my mind wants to constantly tweak it over and over.
This makes me an excellent designer and I have an eye to get everything just right. Unfortunately when I am trying to accomplish a task the actually task never gets done. Always in a state of preparing for something not doing the thing. After a lifetime of living with this I just make myself dive in and start working even if it is in a heap of mess on my desk. I just focus on the task and stay with it until I am finished. Blocking out my surroundings.
I did take the afternoon to organized and sort through all the stuff I have carried from other rooms to the studio. I had a ladder in there with a bunch of tools where I replaced the ceiling fan last week with a 2 x 2 flush mount led light with 5000k bulbs. The problem with getting older is there is not enough light ever. Now I am able to see perfectly with the daylight bulb.
I have been practicing portrait drawings from the 100 faces in 10 day challenge. The challenge is over and I am doing more like 10 faces a week. I have be drawing tiny little faces for some reason which is really different for me. I am using mechanical pens to get the details.
Now for the rest of the down part of the week starting with an angry man yelling at me because the price of what he wanted is higher than what he imagined. This is my world with pricing and the expectation of others. Usually it isn't the in my face kind of reaction - no mask either.
The week went on and Wednesday without knowing it I was exposed to Covid by a coworker. He had it before but has never worn a mask. It is rare that we interact but he came into the office where I was talking to someone else. It was Friday afternoon before I found out I had been exposed. I have been vaccinated and hope that between that and my excellent immune system I will be fine. I exposed my customer on Friday they were not wearing mask.
It is tricky out there because all this is so complicated for the brain. We just want a clear choice and we want to just dig in to one thing. We were made to make simple choices every day to stay alive. That is how we operate not really weighing 20 options and then carefully deciding what is the right one. This is why we only listen to people that agree with us or even look like us because that is the way we are wired.
I just heard a scientist say for someone to change a childhood core belief it takes 2 years. It isn't fun to be the person questioning their beliefs. I have spent my whole life analyzing the beliefs I have in my head and figuring out where they came from and whether they serve me now as an adult.
I know too much now to accept the status quo. I have done too much digging and now I can no longer live in a fairy tale. Being awake hasn't made me happier but it is too late to go back now. I am peaceful and happy most of the time. I accept people where they are unless they are in my face or in my space and then I will stand up for myself.
No one really knows how they appear to other people especially me. I have worried about this all my life because I am not everyone's cup of tea an acquired taste one so called friend said. Since I have found happiness in my own solitude I have stop really worrying about it. This has felt like real freedom to me. I have always felt like I was a bother to people in some way. Now I say - so what! They bother me a lot of times too so I am over it.
This is what birthdays do to you they tell you - your time is running out so you better get on with it so I am doing art and loving it. I am pretending I am in school and practicing every day and watching videos about art.
I woke up today tired and a little cranky my new neighbors are having celebrations every Saturday night on their back porch. It was going on until after 1 am. It is just talking but we live on a small ravine with water and it echos. No music just loud voices of discussion. I am sure they have no idea how loud they sound. When I had meditation groups on my porch I would say "don't say anything here that you don't want the whole neighborhood to hear." This is what happens with sound and water.
I feel better after writing so I am off to do a few chores and some art.
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