Things have slowed down in my life. At work there isn't any critical work to be done so it has given me the opportunity to focus on other things. I wonder for myself is this a good thing or does this give me time to hash over the past yet another time.
I did some writing today and a few things surprised me first that I admitted my own lack of respect for my ex. In relationships sometimes the other person becomes a non person. Like just a cast member in the play of your life. I think we all do that with relationships that last a long time where the other person doesn't seem to really participate.
This came to me while describing my daddy's relationship with my stepmother. He was there to make her life as pleasant as possible. He wasn't seen as someone with wants, needs and desires because he never expressed those to anyone. This was a product of his upbringing you are in the supporting role and never the star - be invisible.
With relationships the roles are established early on and unlikely and almost impossible to change once chosen. The star is the star and no one would dare try to take that role. We all want to be the star but sometimes the responsibility of the the success or failure of that role is too much pressure. I have played both roles in most of my relationships being forced to make things happen and also sitting on the sidelines while someone else took the spot light. Making things happen from behind the scenes.
I have lived with someone who refused to participate unless they had a list of what they were suppose to do. I have lived with someone who just did what they wanted as if I didn't even exist in the relationship. This was when I was living with active alcoholism and the drink along with the star personality over shadowed everything.
The problem with being the supporting staff you don't know you are unhappy until there is a break in your endless responsibilities. With my daddy my mother was forced to make all the decisions even if she included him in every decision. He would just say "whatever your mother says" This was my last relationship and I felt like everything was dependent on me. The happiness of the relationship depended on me. When I ask for input or responsibility I was met with sulking. It was exhausting.
When my daddy met my step mother she was only too glad to call the shots and he was happy to fall back into his comfortable supporting role. He did what he was told and was invisible.
This isn't anyone's fault we choose the people that feel familiar to us. The pattern of our choices are usually some version of where we have been before. If we are growing we pick a little bit better version than the previous. No one can convince us that this is true because often after meeting someone it is too late we are already in love. The dopamine of new love has flooded us and we are unable to stop ourselves.
I met someone shortly after my last relationship ended. A healthier version of my ex-husband and it was bad news. I remember my counselor saying "this is the same relationship" I said I know but it is too later for me. Luckily I came to my senses and decide to stop things where they were. More pain on top of my already broken heart.
I have created my own play and when I am alone sometimes I look back and wish things had been different mostly that I had been different. I wish I had been less committed to sticking things out when I wasn't happy. I wish that I could have admitted to myself that I wanted and deserved something more instead of waiting for the other person make that decision for me by leaving.
Is reflection on life a good thing or is it just wallowing in the past. I think both sometimes it give me insight into to my part of the past but it also makes me feel like - where do I go from here? When I am not busy killing time with life's responsibilities I can see that it is short and I want to make the best of the time I have left. What do I want my play to be about?
No comments:
Post a Comment