I feel like I have been grieving for the past few months. Maybe due to the holidays or the weather or work slowing down for the holidays. I don't really know what triggered it but I haven't felt like doing anything and have spent a lot of time doing nothing but watching TV.
The last two weeks I have felt a kind of a shift an opening up of my mind and my heart. The flow that I live in most of the time resuming and a this period of mourning ending. That is what I am doing I realize I am mourning the life that I will not have.
I went to a memorial yesterday that was packed - virtually no mask - what can I say? A few lone wolves like myself mulling around. We might as well had the mark of the beast on our foreheads the service being held in a fundamentalist church. If you wear a mask you don't trust God.
I get this because I was raised in a church like this and I really have no animosity towards these people because they are my people even if I don't blindly follow their beliefs. When they played a couple of praise and worship songs tears came to my eyes.
I guess my point is that their heart is in the right place just like every other religion. The core is truth, love and kindness but when humans are involved with our egos in charge we distort everything. We want to feel we are special and part of an elite group of people chosen by God. This makes of secure and able to get up every morning and face the day.
We are all special and no life is worth more than another. We have to see that everyone is struggling especially now and deserve respect no matter where they are in life. This of course is hard in practice because it is painful to see people suffer from their mistakes over and over again. We all can only be where we are in life right now.
I have suffered from my own mistakes. Some of the things that happened to me I had no control over but I still felt somehow responsible. I thought I was damaged somehow and this is why these things were happening to me. If I hadn't raised myself I would have been told that this is just what life is like and it isn't anyone's fault. Life can really suck sometimes.
Final note my ex came into the showroom with parents in tow this week. 12 years have passed and there they were. I was on the floor and was blindsided I turnaround and went and got another designer. She told me she couldn't wait on them because she was leaving. I went to my office and collected myself and headed back out.
As you can imagine this brought up a lot feelings. It was all business and went pretty well under the circumstances. A God thing I felt just to show me how far I have come.
I am ready to move on to a new phase of my life. Seeing all the pictures at service with a huge family that love each other showed me that I was grieving and it is okay to do that. If my mother had lived I would have had some version of that family up on the screen but instead I got different life. My life has been mostly good but different than I imagined it would be. No life is perfect and pictures represent only the best moments of any life at a memorial service.
Grief is an act of letting go of the people we have loved and the sometimes the dreams we have had for our lives. We all do our best even if it isn't good enough and we make mistakes. We have to grieve our losses and move on.
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