Roni and Kree's Story

I had to admit to myself and to my sponsor yesterday that I am grieving again. I just didn't want to accept that these waves of emotions I have been having is grief. Really? I thought I was done at least long enough to catch my breath.

I watched American Idol last night and bawled at Kree's story. Losing both parents at different times and leaving her and her sister to manage their own lives. As the tears rolled down my face I thought "this happened to you." I know first hand that this is tragic and leaves be gaping holes and then scars if you manage to close those holes.

You learn not to get attached to much because you know young that nothing really last forever. Then one day you find someone that manages to break through the wall and you latch on to them like a life raft in a sea of numbed feelings. People can't survive as life rafts in a relationship it drains them and they run away. Then you go deeper and seal those emotions up one last time.

Kree has her sister and it was clear that they have a tight bond that has sustained them.

I didn't lose my father to death like I did my mother but for me he died when she died. He closed off his original family for his new family. When he did die, decades later, I didn't shed a tear all those tears had already been shed.

I have a sister too but she left when my dad remarried. She didn't want to leave me with the new family but I convinced her that I would be alright. My emotions were already closed off by then and I thought it wasn't possible to inflict any more damage to me at that point but I was wrong.

My sister and I have never really had that sister bond since she left that day. I don't know if it is because we are four years a part or just because we are too different.

When you lose someone young you avoid getting too attached to anyone. When you occasionally get attached and they leave you feel that childhood pain of loss over and over. You feel guilty like it is your fault. It is the guilt of a child that feels that they were somehow responsible for their parents leaving them.

The friendship that ended a few months back resurfaced this week with some pretty nasty emails. It hurts just like it always does when someone I trusted with my feelings turns against me. I didn't want more grief.

I am better today after yesterday's on and off tears. I went home last night and made macaroni and cheese from scratch something I have done since I could stand in a chair at the stove. I just let the sorrow wash over me and tried to appreciate actually having feelings.

It is all just a part of life.

Aunt Millie - A movie star

I was making a macaroni salad yesterday with some tuna that my friend brought back from Spain. The recipe was one that my Aunt Mildred taught me it was the second recipe that I learned to make from a written recipe.

Aunt Millie as everyone else calls her is a character. When we were kids she was bigger than life to us. She was like a movie star. She dressed like one and spent hours putting on make up. All us kids would sit like groupies around her dressing table while she applied layers upon layers of make up and tell us the most outrageous stories.

She is my Dad's brothers wife. Her character was a sharp contrast to my Dad's whole family who grew up on the farm. They were gentle quiet people and Aunt Millie was a city slicker from Chicago.

I think now she was one of the first crush on someone with that charismatic personality that I associate with alcoholism and addiction.

Over the years we have lost Aunt Millie to prescription pills. All my Dads siblings live within walking distance of each other on my grandfathers land. My uncle keeps Aunt Millie under wraps and makes all the familiar excuses for her absences at the family events.

When I visited a few years ago I didn't know all the unspoken rules about arriving unannounced. They told my Aunt Millie was not available to see me. I called and she answered and was so happy. She invited me right over. It was the middle of the day and she was in her pj's. She gave me a tour of the house and she said she was sorry about how I had been treated and wished I hadn't stayed away so long.

She gave me some things that belonged to my grandmother. My uncle was embarrassed by her and cut the visit short. He doesn't know just how much I know about loving someone with an addiction.

Yesterday when I thought of her I felt the pain and sadness the family is suffering. My cousin's lives have been forever changed by addiction and probably think there is nothing that will change the effects addiction has had on them. A lot of the pain caused by hiding and denying what is going on. Everybody knows we only think it is a secret.

Living with active addiction touches so many lives. I hope to visit more often and maybe share some of my own story when the timing is right.

Tomorrow never comes

I have pulled myself up by my boot straps today. I often heard this in my family and thought, why does your boots need straps? I am in the office and put on my old manager persona and started getting things done.

I am focusing on what will bring in income for the business first and directing the owner while he is cleaning up the showroom.

We have work close to contract and in a few weeks we will be less stressed so I am committed to focusing on what can be done. We can clean and get organized. It is free and adds value. Act as if, isn't that what they say in the program. It is the waiting that makes you feel like things will never change so being busy is a good distraction.

I have felt lost and overwhelmed this week. It looks like I am alone in my situation but looks can be deceiving. The owner mentioned today that Jesus might come soon and that will solve everything. He is right that would solve everything but just in case we should have an alternate plan. My partner is handling her stress by compartmentalizing everything so she won't go insane. I have seen her insane and it is not pretty so it is best I leave her be today.

I decided last night to give myself until the end of the month to grieve over my dog officially. That means that I will be extra nice to myself. I won't over commit and I will eat what I want and get plenty of rest. I had a big bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese last night and watched Idol. Two of my favorite things. I didn't feel guilty for carb loading and once the carb coma hit I was at peace with the world.

Sometimes I miss the old me, the take no prisoner me. I was unstoppable at least in my own mind. I am happier in my head than I use to be but living consciously can be tough sometimes. When you don't accept responsibility for your own life you can weep and wail about how unfair life is and who's to blame for it, that keeps you busy. Too bad once you are awake you can't go back to the blame game.

Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Today this moment I am sane and not too worried about tomorrow. I can always do that when it gets here.