Taking care of ourselves - Finding Peace

I got a text from someone in the program last week asking if I was interested in catching up.  It had been so long since I heard from them that their name was no longer in my phone. I was apprehensive at first because the person I knew before was sad and kind of controlling.  Our times together were managed down to the minute and being with them felt like walking around under a wet wool blanket. 

I was having my own issues and already had my own wet blanket to carry. The time we spent together had some painful memories attached to them.  The good news is their in a different place no longer playing the victim and martyr of the family. We get a lot of mileage from feeling like we are the only ones willing to take on the being the caretakers of our friends or family.

It is a terrible burden and does take a toll on you emotionally and physically but this is the choice we make. We want to live up to the person we think we are inside our own heads. I have done it until their was nothing left inside. Leaving only a ghost of a person. 

It is hard to decide to choose yourself over the wants and needs of other people. If you are raised like I was it is your responsibility to give your all and sacrifice even your health if necessary.  I saw this with my mother no matter how sick she became she wanted to live up to the person everyone believed her to be. At her funeral the church couldn't hold the crowd. This is what we all want right?

Her life was incredibly short and our little family shared her with everyone. I always felt like she was exhausted living up to the saint she had become. Her family calling constantly with one self created crisis after another. My dad was the saint without every a complaint sharing her with so many all the time. She was doing God's work. He thought she would live forever.

It was hard for him when the end came he felt like if God was going to heal anyone it would be her. I don't remember her being that positive about this life or joining his enthusiasm about being healed. I think her life had been hard and this life too confining. She just stayed too busy to feel joy. Every picture a forced smile on her face. 

My sister would totally disagree with everything said here because it is easier to pretend everything was perfect than to admit we all are flawed including our mother. If she could have said no sometimes and learned that she deserved to take care of herself then maybe she wouldn't have gotten sick.

Those that sacrifice for others are mostly invisible to the rest until they are not there anymore either physically or emotionally. It is our choice to give until there is nothing left. It is our responsibility to see that sometimes this kind of giving is done to fill a hole that we have in our life. We think no one will love us if we aren't their savior but others have to be given to the opportunity to save themselves sometimes. It also makes a void for others to step up and do their part.

Most of the time no one ask us to make the sacrifices that we make but then we resent those that take advantage of our generosity. I did this for many years and it always started from a place of not expecting anything in return and then feeling drained but too stuck to stop. I don't carry the burdens that rightfully belong to other people anymore.  

I am happy for my friend that they have found peace and happiness just like me. I never thought that would happen for them or for myself. We all have to find our own way even if it takes a lifetime.  

I can control my mind - I am not a victim

I feel at peace today even if the sky is cloudy and I was wishing for the sun. It is cool here which is helpful since my air conditioning isn't work yet.  The second guy they sent wasn't too happy that the new part didn't work. He told me "this happens all the time - do you think I want to go up in your attic a third time?"  

Every job has parts that suck no matter how great the job is that is why they call it work.  He seemed pretty unhappy overall.  He shared with me that his roommate's new girlfriend stole 150 dollars out of his room. He caught her there and told his roommate who didn't believe him and told him to move out. Luckily his sister has a big house so he moved there this week.

I thought there is a story there at his age ending up with a roommate. Although I didn't prompt the discussion he said he didn't have a problem with alcohol even though when he was a child his Sicilian grandparents gave him wine every time he saw them. He said he had started smoking after he had stopped for four years and this is the only time he likes to drink.

He is probably coming back Monday with a replacement part. I am not sure why he brought all of this up maybe he knew I could here him cursing and screaming in the attic.  

The mind is hard to control I lived most of my life thinking life was happening to me. I was a victim of my circumstances and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent all my energy bracing myself for the next tragic thing to happen and I was never disappointed.  I talked about my woes to whoever would listen and repeated my victim-ship to myself over and over. The voice in my head keeping me constantly sad or outraged over my circumstances.

It wasn't until I realized that I was doing this to myself. The program helped m to see that it was my own story that repeated to myself over and over that kept me from having a different story.  The program says "no victims just volunteers".  This would make me so mad in the beginning. I felt comfortable not taking responsibility for my own situation and feeling sorry for myself.

It doesn't help that this is the way the brain works. We are wired to go towards negative first so we can prevent bad things from happening the next time.  It also likes repetition and goes down the most familiar and deepest path it is less work. When I am sad I think about _____________ and then it reminds me of when things we great and life didn't suck life it does now. Of course even our memories are hijacked by the brain smoothing out all those rough edges we don't want to acknowledge.

Looking through my life's pictures behind my own smiling face I could tell you some really awful stuff going on.  My mind prefers to make those times something they weren't. The difference in who I am now is that I know it was just life and hard times.  It is only when I believed it was just happening to me that I felt like it was my fault. This is mostly because I have an analytical mind that believes there is a solution for every problem. I can think my way out of this.

The solution to being a victim is to replace these thoughts with something else. For me I had to first acknowledge that the person inside my head was really negative and didn't seem to like me very much. I tried to reason with her but she just kept hurling insults at me no matter what. I finally had to consciously tell her to shut up. This was war for a long time until I was able to see that the child inside me was just scared that we weren't going to make it. 

I couldn't let on that she might be right so I assured her that we could do it. I started reading non stop to anything that gave me positive encouragement.  Mantras - slogans from the program - daily readers - spiritual books - even horoscopes - Anything that gave me encouragement to keep going. Over time all these things started to re-write my thinking. 

I became friends with myself and forgave the child in me for being stuck so long. I had to forgive myself for living life thinking that I caused these things to happen to me. That there was something about me that made me unlovable from the beginning. I had to take responsibility for loving and encouraging myself into happiness. No one outside of me could make feel secure.

Today I am on the maintenance plan.  First I guard my mind from anything negative as much as I can. I feed myself with healthy foods that make my mind clearer. Instead of heading for a carb comma like I use to and now I sleep a regular schedule so I can be my best. I take care of myself instead of waiting for other people to show that I am worthy of being taken care of. 

All great beliefs and spiritual practice use these same ideas woven through them. Believing and being with people are looking for something positive or comforting to share can promote peace. Taking care of your body and your mind realizing they are same thing is truly loving. Believing in a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength and discipline to take our lives back it really the only answer.