He hated me - Drinking - Immaturity

I got up yesterday morning and ask God for an easy pleasant day. I think that is ironic because sometimes I don't know if I believe in the God of my childhood.  For this I regularly apologize to him for my lack of commitment but I am sure being God and all he is big enough to understand where I am coming from and not be too upset. 

I did have an easy day arriving at work early getting a few things done and heading to an appointment close to the ocean. It is a part of town where I had one of my first jobs at a country club. I was 18 and on my own with really no idea what my future would look like. It is also that same beach where just a few years later my then husband and I would have a huge fight that was the beginning of the end for us.  It was late at night and his drinking was in full swing and he hated me. 

He thought it was my fault our life was hard and I accepted that judgment.  I was the keeper of all things and I was sure there was a solution to the problems we were having.  Why couldn't I fix them?

Before I recognized alcoholism I blamed everything on myself. After I saw the light I blamed all my problems on alcoholism. I found out over time it was neither it is really my thinking that causes my problems.  Another persons behavior is just layer of confusion on top of the real problem in me..

I have wanted so bad all my life to feel safe.  Like I thought I was before my mother got sick.  I thought I had lost something that could be found.  When I met my husband whose mother had died when he was eleven he wanted the same thing.  I filled that for him and his obsession with me made me feel like I was the center of the universe. Who doesn't want that?

Because I didn't recognize the drinking as a problem I blamed myself for not being enough. He was right "I was not fun"  I became the parent, very sexy I might add and I didn't join in and party till dawn like the rest of the wives. By the time the night at the beach happened he hated me and I hated myself. I wanted to stop and look at the full moon and he wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible.

At some point I stopped blaming Alcoholism for my own suffering especially after the alcoholic was out of my life. Even now it is my own immaturity that causes most of my problems. I can admit when I met my husband it was the smothering kind of love that he offered that I became addicted to.. When the drinking got worse he withdrew that affection and I was devastated.  This was my fault.

The program and my own spiritual searching and the hardest knocks possible made me finally see how immature I have been most of my life.  I wanted what children want safety and love. Someone to shield me from pain and suffering. Someone to make me feel secure like I did before my mother got sick before I knew life was hard. I thought I could get that back.

I have tried everything to find the secret to security and happiness and sometimes I came real close but life is life and something happens to shattered that illusion. The 12 steps are simple because we are mostly children trying to find out way. For me they were just the beginning and at some point I needed more. I found that mostly writing and sorting things with my own higher power.

With writing about my friend's illness I have realized that I can still go back to the Steps they are just a part of me now. Wanting to be the keeper of all things and save someone is also part of me one that I have got to manage.  I have do what I can without control and resentment and leave the rest to God.

I find it harder to write these days because I have gotten everything out. I am bored with my own story and I am looking to fill my time with something else. In maturity I do not desire to be the center of the universe anymore and just want to relax and have an easy day. Thanking  God, if your out there,  for that. 

Introverts - The devil - Safety pins

Every where I go it seems people are still in shock about the direction it seems our country is going. I attended an art event last night and it was no surprise that there was a lot of talk about "T" among the artist and patrons attending.  I saw a few safety pins being worn something that started in Britain after their vote to leave the European union.

Just as I mentioned before that when you travel in the same circles with people like yourself you have a sense that your on the right side and that most people agree with you. As a democrat who was raised in a devoutly conservative fundamentalist home it has taken me a long time to find my place in the spiritual as well as the political world.

There was never hate in my home my mother instilled the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"  this was really our creed. I never heard my parents criticize each other or anyone else.  It was clear that we were republican because the democrats were godless and we just needed to pray for them.

It was the south and the 60's and 70's and in our religion we believed that we had the only ticket to heaven.  When I married a catholic I might as well have married the devil himself. He did turn out to be the devil. But it turned out that living with  devil  forced me to stand up for myself and grow spiritually in ways I couldn't imagine.  I can thank him for being the person I am today.  A last note about my mother she single handily rallied the church wives to get out and vote. This was was pretty radical for the housewives of her time.

After speaking with my sister this week it is clear our parents gave us the ability to step away from our emotions and try to understand where other people might be coming from.  It isn't easy when it seems they are so wrong and we are so right.  She felt that the democrats should have come up with a less polarizing candidate.  I said that train left the station a long time ago when she lost to Obama.

I have a eastern sense of belief about life in general but I understand the fear that motivates a lot of people.  The fear that if we are inclusive and that if we accept people that are different from us we don't have the same clear sense that we are absolutely right in our own personal beliefs.

I also think that democrats just like republicans and want to dismiss the other half of the country as nuts. I think the election was driven by fear and the country was ripe for someone who was willing to bi-pass the usual status quo of both sides and just be his own outrageous self. Reality TV.

I do think this is a wake up call for us democrats it is my experience that as individuals we aren't that visible.  In general we are introverts and don't put bumper stickers on our cars or even signs in our yards.  Maybe it is time to get more involved maybe this will motivate us to do something different.

I know from my own personal experience that the worst things in my life (the devil) can actually get me moving in a more self-empowered way.  Instead of sitting around in shock wondering how we got here.  Moments of reflection are good but then the next step is action.

Making decisions - Jumping ship

Here is my latest drawing of Eckhart Tolle. I was listening to one of his lectures on YouTube and decided to draw him.  We are suppose to use live models but this is the closest I could get. He wasn't moving too much so it worked.

His eyes are a bit smaller but I think I captured the perpetual glazed look he has on his face. Peace I guess.

Drawing seems to be all that perks my interested these days. I was considering ditching the life I have but thought maybe first I should just take a vacation. I haven't had more than two days off in a row since October so maybe it isn't my whole life that needs to change maybe just parts of it.

My friend and have been talking and texting about following your heart instead of your head through life. Making every decision based on whether your heart says weeee or ugh. This goes totally against the grain of what we have been taught. Safety first.

When I think about when I was my happiest I have to go back to my eight year old self again. The summers where my mother relaxed all rules really and turned us out in the morning and said not to come back until we got hungry. Hey back then if it was between adventure or food I always chose adventure. This could be a new diet.

I was expected to entertain myself and I was good at it. There was so much I wanted to do and never enough time to do it. I had a million ideas. These days my life seems to be just about money. Do I have enough? Making decision based on how to make more instead of  " is this working for me anymore?"

I know can't be eight years old again, with my parents footing the bills and I doubt I will ever say weee about doing my taxes but surely there is something in between.

I have been lucky that all the jobs I have had I did feel inspired for a time or maybe I had less expectations about work. Until my last spiritual awakening I considered myself task oriented and was generally satisfy just gettin things accomplished. I think I want my life to be more joyful.

When my enthusiasm did finally end for the corporate job the job also ended. Just like my relationships I had already left the building.  I just didn't have the heart to abandon the comfort of what was for the potentially discomfort of the unknown. So fate did it for me.

Can I be braver this time and make the first move even if I have no idea where I should move to or will I wait until I am forced to jump ship. Maybe I will just start with a vacation.