Grief - It is part of life - Letting go

I feel like I have been grieving for the past few months.  Maybe due to the holidays or the weather or work slowing down for the holidays.  I don't really know what triggered it but I haven't felt like doing anything and have spent a lot of time doing nothing but watching TV.

The last two weeks I have felt a kind of a shift an opening up of my mind and my heart. The flow that I live in most of the time resuming and a this period of mourning ending. That is what I am doing I realize I am mourning the life that I will not have.

I went to a memorial yesterday that was packed - virtually no mask - what can I say?  A few lone wolves like myself mulling around.  We might as well had the mark of the beast on our foreheads the service being held in a fundamentalist church. If you wear a mask you don't trust God.

I get this because I was raised in a church like this and I really have no animosity towards these people because they are my people even if I don't blindly follow their beliefs. When they played a couple of praise and worship songs tears came to my eyes. 

I guess my point is that their heart is in the right place just like every other religion.  The core is truth, love and kindness but when humans are involved with our egos in charge we distort everything.  We want to feel we are special and part of an elite group of people chosen by God. This makes of secure and able to get up every morning and face the day.

We are all special and no life is worth more than another. We have to see that everyone is struggling especially now and deserve respect no matter where they are in life.  This of course is hard in practice because it is painful to see people suffer from their mistakes over and over again. We all can only be where we are in life right now.

I have suffered from my own mistakes.  Some of the things that happened to me I had no control over but I still felt somehow responsible. I thought I was damaged somehow and this is why these things were happening to me. If I hadn't raised myself I would have been told that this is just what life is like and it isn't anyone's fault. Life can really suck sometimes.

Final note my ex came into the showroom with parents in tow this week. 12 years have passed and there they were. I was on the floor and was blindsided I turnaround and went and got another designer.  She told me she couldn't wait on them because she was leaving. I went to my office and collected myself and headed back out. 

As you can imagine this brought up a lot feelings.  It was all business and went pretty well under the circumstances. A God thing I felt just to show me how far I have come. 

I am ready to move on to a new phase of my life. Seeing all the pictures at service with a huge family that love each other showed me that I was grieving and it is okay to do that. If my mother had lived I would have had some version of that family up on the screen but instead I got different life. My life has been mostly good but different than I imagined it would be.  No life is perfect and pictures represent only the best moments of any life at a memorial service.  

Grief is an act of letting go of the people we have loved and the sometimes the dreams we have had for our lives. We all do our best even if it isn't good enough and we make mistakes. We have to grieve our losses and move on.   

Embracing the space - Trusting grace

There is a certain speaker that I just don't enjoy his messages seem staged to me and I usually just turn him off.  Today I randomly stopped and listened and it felt like it was a message just for me.  The topic "embrace the emptiness"

If you believe in something greater than yourself you can be open to hear or see something that seems like it is directed to you at that moment at that time. My experience with the bird this weekend felt like a gift just like today's message felt like a gift.  

I have been struggling with emptiness through the holidays. I have intentionally emptied my life over the years to find peace.  I don't just want to fill every moment just to get through it so I don't feel alone.  I have done that and it makes me feel drained and anxious.

The message today was about space in our lives to let something greater come in. It made me think of myself standing on an empty platform at a train station alone waiting for my train to arrive. I am not anxious I am peaceful knowing that shortly I will be on my way.

I feel my life has been touched by grace.  I have overcome many obstacles and in seemingly impossible situations I have been protected time after time. I know the only credit I can take for that is really just letting go and trusting that I can't do it on my own. I look back today at all the times I felt lost and empty like I have the past few weeks and know it will pass. 

The message was sent to me at just the right moment. Normally I wouldn't be home today or watching anything and again I wouldn't have been open to this particular speaker. I can accept the grace in the words "emptiness is leaving an opening for something greater than what we can imagine".

It feels awkward and for the doer in me I ask myself "what if nothing shows up and you never feel excited or inspired about life again?" Can I trust the emptiness? 

I have been cleaning out my old files at work close to 300 or more files and I have also been purging at home. This has triggered an idea that I am finished with things as they are and I am moving on. This has made me feel panic inside since I don't have a plan but today's message was for me "you don't need a plan just trust the process". 

With the pandemic everything is different we are all different. Our culture of doing seems more empty than ever and we all are just trying to feel like our old selves but that person doesn't exist anymore.  We are forever changed and maybe that is a good thing and sitting with the emptiness is an opportunity to find out what will fill us with new joy. 

    

My turkey companion - Finding Peace

Today I was getting ready to blow the leaves off in my driveway when a turkey wandered into my yard. Now I am not in a rural setting where friendly wildlife is an everyday occurrence. I decided to sweep instead of using the blower. He or she stayed out there with me for an hour standing within one foot of me. The closer I swept to her the closer she came to me. 

I thought this was amazing to have a companion while doing my chores. She had no fear and walked through my pile of leaves kicking them around. I felt at total peace the whole time seeing the true miracle of life and survival even in an ordinary subdivision where the houses are built ten feet apart. 

It ended when a woman who walks the neighborhood interrupted us she didn't even see the bird until I pointed her out.   While we were talking the bird disappeared as if she was never there. 

My holiday has been long and I wrote a few post but lost interest before actually posting them.  I have been a little low "tis the season" but I am not complaining. I have to grab the time off when customers aren't looking for me so I am grateful even if it leaves me with a lot of time in my head. 

Today I am finishing up a lot of final things on my do to list. The weather here is about 20 degrees hotter than normal and all the plants think is is spring and are blooming.  This adds to a world that already feels upside down. You can't tell what time of year it is along with the plants.  

I am okay when I just stay in my peaceful place where I just do "the next right thing" it is only when I start wondering about the rest of my life and what I want to fill it with that I get into trouble. I feel stuck and bored and wonder if I am depressed. Does everyone feel this way when they stop long enough to think about where they have been and where they are going?

Sometimes being busy just feels like I am running from something which is what I did for years missing entire decades of my life and the people in it. I want to be awake and live more deliberately.  

I am back at work full on starting tomorrow and I won't have the pain or luxury of time to ruminate over the past.  I am going to make some changes this year getting back out there virus or no virus. I need to find somewhere I can use my talents to make a difference.  My new year's resolution if you want to call it that.  Hope everyone is peaceful and enjoying the hope of a new year. 

The Power of Now - Being Grateful

I picked up my old copy of The Power of Now just to see where I am on the spiritual spectrum.  This book helped save my life quite literally because he talked about the voice inside as the ego.  You have a listener and a talker up there whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

We stay so busy with listening to the talker we create a life in our head that isn't exactly the truth our personal version of the truth.  If that truth gets bad enough and you can't cope you  you have some sort of awakening. Also could be called a mental break of some kind. I think this happens when the version of life you had in your head doesn't match a hard punch of reality. 

Then the ego we created to run our lives is not use to being seen as helpless and just keeps pushing and trying to find a solution to the unsolvable problems until there is no place to go. For me it was a number of things mostly grief that I ignored - the loss of the life I thought I would have even if I wasn't happy there at least I thought knew where I was going.

I am awake now as in "the power of now" when I have too much time on my hands like I did over Thanksgiving I can drift into what I wish had happened instead of what happened.  This is great for my book but bobbing up and down in the cesspool of the past can leave me  rotten. I feel hungover and worse I feel dead inside.

When I went black before I was in this state everyday all day for what felt like years. I was a zombie just doing things that I knew I did before but not really sure why. When I feel this even for a day I panic and think it is back to stay but I wake up the next morning feeling normal or normal for me anyway. 

I didn't ask to have an awakening.  I did always want to be enlightened when I thought it meant peace a tranquility all the time. I didn't know without the burden a giant ego telling me all the time that I needed to being doing something better or I should be further along or happier that I would have so much time.  I still have that but only in small doses. 

Eckhart Tolle says that we would be better off without the idea of time. It would make us less anxious about everything.  I get that because we are always thinking about something other than what we are doing right now. I have decades I hardly remember because I was overbooked all the time. I felt like I was being chased and if I stopped it would be over and I was right.

I am happy most of the time unless I compare myself to other people's full lives and wonder what I did wrong. I talked to a guy at work yesterday and I told him I wasn't too busy and he said to enjoy it. He lost his wife last year and three sisters and a cousin so life is short and we should try to enjoy it. That made me stop feeling like I should be working harder and enjoy the freedom this season brings me. 

What I should want - Being normal

It is Thanksgiving and I have opted to be alone. This is some scary stuff inside the head because it messes with all those insecurities that our society gathers around holidays. In my mind it says "look what has become of you - your life is a failure - you have nobody".

In the program it has a saying " you mind is like a bad neighborhood never go there alone". If I step back and ask myself am I a failure? The answer is no I am happy to be on my own doing things that I love. My self worth is not tied to making sure I have people around me.

If you have been here before you know I have hosted literally hundreds of group invents over my life and a lot times I have felt alone and more like a caterer than someone participating in a something I was a part of. This is who I am and now that I don't feel like I have to live up to the picture in my head I can relax and appreciate being me.

I got two invitations at the last minute one that surprised me last night a coworker called and offered to let me join her family. The other an old friend that was a part of my life when I first found the 12 steps. I just can't do it anymore be somewhere just to prove to myself that I belong. I have seen her one on one a few times lately and this is what I prefer. A more intimate moment with good conversation.

It doesn't help that I am not food focused anymore.  I don't long for those special dishes that I use to make for other people. Is it wrong to not go because I don't want to be there? Does this make me anti social. Someone at work said they were staying home instead of making the five drive the usually make to be with her husband's family. She can be with her own family this year. Doing things because we have always done them is easy. Our brain loves "the same" it is harder to choose again because it feels awkward. 

I only feel bad about myself when I say "a normal person wouldn't want to be alone on a holiday".  The normal ship has sailed a long time ago. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out where I fit in creating a life the I thought looked like a normal life and being unhappy most of the time. I would tell myself "you should be happy - you have the life that other people would be envious of"  I didn't feel the joy I was suppose to have. 

I find on most days now I am singing out loud. I might not be excited about what is on my to do list but I don't feel trapped anymore. If I am unhappy it isn't because there is some magical place in the future that will eliminate this.  I can just decide what to do next or if I want I can choose to do nothing. 

I am working on my book once again. One day last week I got up and pulled it from a basket and read through it. I was inspired to add to it and work on organizing it. It is difficult because even though it will be fiction it is filled with my own memories. It makes it hard to continue without taking an emotional break.

I am thankful today for having all day to myself to be creative. I once heard a monk say they spent 6 months of the year alone. I could never do that I just want to spend time with people that have good energy.  I feel like I have spent too many holidays having the life drained out of me because I thought I had to because this is what normal people do. 

I think Covid has changed us all to want more meaning in this short life we have on this earth. It make sense to me that the younger generation doesn't want to work so hard. This will work itself out and a balance will be found work can give you joy.  It has taken me a lifetime to do what I want instead of what I think I should want.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Being Alone - We hate change - The holiday

I am use to spending time alone but around the holidays my mind can slip into some sad places if I let it.  I do indulge myself a little here and there wishing things could have been different. I am spending Thanksgiving alone this year at least that is what I am saying now.

I was invited by an old friends house to join her and her normal group of holiday friends to have a vegan dinner plus Turkey.  I use to be part of the center of this group long ago when the world was younger and so was I. It was the only time in my life that I felt like I belonged and didn't have to worry about being myself. Over the years it got complicated.

The actual holiday meal wasn't that great emotionally. It was stressful and included a few non recovering alcoholics. I really don't like big meals with other people even though I catered these events in both my marriages. 

I am naturally and introvert even though I like people but only one on one. I liked putting together events but never enjoyed actually attending the event. So the questions is - Will I go? Maybe an opportunity to go back to my past. Yuck.

I don't believe you can successfully go back to any where in your life.  I prefer to limit this kind of return to a place in my head where my imagination can make it all perfect. I can build the room around my own happiness and all the characters are on their best behavior. 

The last real Thanksgiving I cooked someone said to me "this is bland" since they had just gotten out of the hospital after stomach surgery I thought it was appropriate. That was the end for me after cooking thousands of meals with love and care I quit just like that.

Sounds drastic and it kinda of was but I am like that. I can do something or be someone for a long time and then suddenly I just can't do it anymore. This is probably a bad analogy and I have probably written it before and apologize in advance. In my 30's I ate Lean Cuisine for lunch every day for years. One day I pulled one out of the freezer and I a sick feeling and through it in trash. I have never touched one since. When I am done I am done.

I have a lot of guilt about this being done part it has occurred with people as well a Lean Cuisine. In the words of a counselor "there is a long period of time between this is great and I am out of here."  She was talking about my ex's and their sprints out of my life without every actually talking about being unhappy ever. I guess I have done the same.

This isn't totally true I have tried to have the discussion that this isn't working with many people but let's be honest.  We want to believe in the fantasy we have created around the people in our lives and we want to believe everyone is happy and nothing will every change. It takes courage to speak up. People don't want you to burst their bubble and no one wants to believe you don't love them just the way they are. 

Even if you do love them sometimes it ends up from afar because you aren't getting what you need. You have had the life sucked out of you and  you just runaway as fast as you can. I have been run from and I ran when it felt like - What is the point ? - No one is listening. 

It is like - "You can't change the rules now after all this time!" This is when things end or people find away to be happy either with someone else or something that fills the void. Couples who brag about their long relationships that literally do nothing together unless it is for a public event. This isn't conscious it is just no one thinks anything will ever change.

I will be alone this Thanksgiving and I feel grateful for that. I don't want to just go through the motions of showing up to be able to say I had some place to go. Most people don't really get my life but I have been mostly happy alone the past few years. I am writing - painting - drawing and of course working and it feels satisfying. It is only during the holidays I feel awkward when people find out I will be alone. I only say when I am asked.

I am not a hermit because I love the complexity of the stories people have about their lives but I feel comfortable with who I have become and will spend the extra time off creating. 

I will probably write again before the holiday but if not - Happy Thanksgiving.

Poker Face - Cold as ice - wasting time

Every time I write here I think I should stop.  I started this blog during the great recession when I spent six days a week in a shop alone waiting for customers to come in.  They did come in once every couple of of weeks.  I had hours upon hours to kill and I was suffering from a mental breakdown that I didn't know about. Brought on by the stress of my relationship ending - having to move - menopause - and ultimately Hashimoto's disease. 

People just mostly thought I was nuts.  I didn't have insurance or money so I did not go to the doctor until the worst of it was over. I am stubborn and self sufficient and can seem others put together on the outside when I am falling apart on the inside. The catch phrase "never let them see you sweat" is my motto. Ask my ex's they will say I am cold as ice but only when I am losing everything and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

I didn't want their pity or guilt even though with both endings it was followed by emotional breakdowns I held my poker face until they weren't watching and then dissolved into my grief. Hey "If you don't want me then I want to make sure you think I don't need you". Sick I know but this is how I have battled the storms of my life. 

I cry at sappy commercials and can't watch parts of movies where I know someone is about to get emotionally hurt. This is why I watch movies over and over because I know how things are going to turn out. 

This blog has helped me to stay alive when I wasn't sure it was really worth it. It has helped me to have compassion for the actors in my story and to have compassion for the me the person who helped write the story. I have done my best with the skills life gave me even if I hurt other people and myself along the way. 

I have built my life around the circumstances of my childhood.  I believed the words of other mere mortals and took them as gospel and lived my life thinking something was wrong with me. This sounds crazy to me now so I guess I am making progress.

Getting older - something I was sure would never happen to me - makes see how much time I have wasted trying to sort this out. This meaning "what is wrong with me?" 

My life is pretty empty now pulling away from the relationships that don't really support me. I feel more free than I ever have but in the back of my mind I sometimes I think "you have no one".  This a disturbing thought but not disturbing enough put myself out there.

About this blog - If you are interested in the words I put here - let me know.