|My Zoo Picture|
I read Hyperbole and a Half blog it is a cartoon about her depression and I was shocked how it was exactly how I have been feeling about my life. Actually the problem was I had no feelings at all about my life and I just wanted it to end. I couldn't even imagine living another 30 or 40 years in a state of no feelings.
Then suddenly something happen what ever part of my brain was controlling that lack of feeling started to thaw. I know this because the tears started to come without warning. Not tears of sorrow just random tears and at random times. At first I didn't think this was such a good thing but I couldn't really do much about it.
What I have learned over the past five years is that waiting won't kill you even if you wish it would. I have been waiting for God to work in my life for what really does seem like an eternity. When this started I felt abandoned by God and betrayed by my own inner self. When I reached down deep, as I had many times before, the strength and determination to go on just wasn't there.
I had been abandoned by own self. There was nothing there not a shred of evidence that the person I was even existed any more. I went through the motions of what I thought was expected of me even when inside I felt nothing. Most people ran away if they could and the rest of the people I tried to get rid of myself. Being with other people, actually experiencing feelings, was too painful. Those that thought life was worth living were just plain annoying.
I saw an old friend at a party yesterday. I told him I was finally back to wanting to live again he ask me how I came back. I said I wasn't sure.
It was a time of death for me. The death of every idea I had about myself and the death of my identity as a victim of my life. I thought life was about suffering through your experiences and sharing those stories with other people. Look at my scar this happen when fill in the blank. The scar isn't real unless we want it to be real we keep it alive because today isn't good enough for us. We keep it alive because the memory even though painful keeps us alive. Without it who are we really? Just a person looking for something to do today.
I am learning to face today just as it is even though it might not be as colorful as the past or as glamorous as my pretend future might be but it is more real than either one. This is what waiting has taught me.
In a meditation this week the author of the book I am reading ask that you imagine a sacred place and imagine a guide appears and gives you a box with a gift. In my mind a black panther with sleek shiny fur appeared. He silently showed me the box. I wasn't too pleased at first it was a Styrofoam cooler. I am a designer you know. I opened the cooler and inside was a real human heart in perfect condition. At first I didn't get it and then I picked it up and laid it on my chest and it disappeared inside me.
My heart is healed and the waiting has been productive even though extremely painful
. Everything is just as it should be and I am finally free.