Living with alcoholism - Addiction is isolating - being enough

I am in full blown creative mode which hasn't left me much time for my life long pastime of regurgitating the story of my life. I feel unstuck for the first time ever. I attribute this to counseling and having someone actually give me feedback that it is not my fault that my life turned out like it did and I can let go of thinking there is something wrong with me because I am not like most people. I could never conform even when I wanted to.  

Believe me I tried during my early years aiming for the picture perfect like. I was ambitious and pushed my husband as hard as I could to create the life I thought would make us happy. We both had tough childhoods losing our mothers at 11 and raising ourselves after leaving home early.  We were children raising children with a lot wrong ideas in our heads. 

I think we both did alright ultimately even though I really don't know emotional how things are for him. I know he raised two boys and on on his twitter account is says "God let me be the man my children think I am".  

We were in our 20's and had a lot of baggage and he medicated his with alcohol and anger. I medicated mine with him.  The kind person I met and fell in love with disappeared little by little over our nine year marriage.  I thought that it was somehow my fault. There was something wrong with me and I was not enough.  I use to be enough and to keep him I would have to try harder. I would have to be perfect to keep him happy. 

I tried to be perfect an meet his every demand but nothing worked. I soon became a target and the intimacy we had known as two motherless people finding our way together was over. He used my secret insecurities as weapons making me feel that it was my fault that he wasn't happy. I believed him because he was the only one in my life. 

Addition is isolating and the nature of the disease is that it is - cunning - baffling - powerful. I was a girl then in love and I hand met the one person I thought understood me and actually saw me. The idea of not being enough or even normal has been the theme of life.

I think I stayed stuck for so long because I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise. Al-Anon help me to have a better relationship with myself and I moved on. When the same relationship happened a second time for the same reasons I went back to believing it was me. How could I have repeated the same relationship again. This time there wasn't any verbal abuse it was more like my childhood just indifference. Still alcohol still infidelity but at least no verbal abuse. Progress I guess.

I rounding out my counseling and feel actually like I can be really free for once. I feel open and capable instead of living in my usual dome of protection. I am letting people back into my life and actually feel ready give instead living on the defense.  

It feels strange really to feel so empty of pain from the past. This week I went back to a portrait class I helped support almost 9 years ago and they were really happy to see me. I was in such pain back then and only wanted to survive. I could never have imagined feeling the freedom I feel now. 

 

Making space work for me - Time out

I am spontaneously taking this week off. The timing is about as right as it is going to be with work and I have some big projects coming up at the end of the month. I am not going to try to see my family - they are not vaccinated and my other family is waiting for their booster shots before seeing anyone. After my recent exposure staying home seems reasonable to me. 

I like staying home and giving my life a little space. I deal in physical spaces every day in my business but this is space to regroup in my personal life.  As everyone has learned with the pandemic space can be awkward with time and no plan.  Even though I love being on my own I have to resist just filling my day with a to list.  For me after a day or so I began to relax and enjoy the freedom.

I am working daily on honing my drawing skills realizing that practicing and studying will eventually take me where I want to go. If  I use the 10,000 hour rule and practice one hour a day it will take about about four years to get where I want to go.  This does seem daunting but really what is one hour a day in the scheme of things.

I wrote down some goals or future intentions. I like putting my intentions on paper and it has worked for me past. I have found those list years later and seeing some of those intentions did come true. I am a visual person and I like to see the words.

I am inspired right now although it feels like things in the rest of my are shifting. I have prepared the best I can without a crystal ball so that is all I can do. I feel that even though I have been through a lot in my life that I have made it under extreme circumstances.

This week I will do whatever I feel inspired to do and if that is nothing that is okay too. We need time and space to step back and make decisions on what we want and it is hard to do that when we are just getting through each day.

With the pandemic a lot people are re-evaluating what is important and have gotten use to a different life and staying home with the people they love. We have be forced to reflect on our world and decide do we go back to the way things were or do we keep this quieter world we have found. Maybe we can combine both who know. 

Art - Finding freedom within

I have been feeling pretty great since I started back doing some art. When this happens I always want to analyze it and ask why now and why art? About six months ago I contemplated packing up all my supplies and getting rid of them. I told myself "you will never feel inspired to do that again". 

This wasn't really in a bad way but I thought maybe I was holding on to a part of me that wasn't there anymore.  Maybe I was ready to move on. I have bought tons of supplies over literally decades and done nothing with them. A moment of inspiration where I imagined myself sitting down and painting or drawing. I could never bring myself to find the joy I knew growing up where creating was all I wanted to do.

When I was child even before my mother got sick I was exiled to our basement and I created non stop. In high school I turned to art as an outlet for the pain I felt being used by my family as a their personal live in servant. Art was freedom and the other students mostly outcast and mostly high were not judgmental and I was just another person struggling through life.

The art world in general can also be competitive and we were all divided into two categories by the teacher talented and not so talented. I am my own worst critic and I could see that I belonged in the second group.  I took this to heart but it was confirmed when two of us were asked to paint the backdrop for our school play. We spent days on it a bright beautiful and colorful sunset only to find that when the curtain was raised someone talented had painted a sad gray sky with boats. 

I dropped out of art after that. Our art teacher should of told us but she was in her 20's and probably couldn't face us. My thoughts about myself had been confirmed I wasn't good enough to be an artist. 

It always amazes me how we internalize the things that happen when our brain is still forming and how adults have no idea how their actions and words can change lives for better or for worse. 

I feel free these days like I have never before.  I have accepted that I am that girl in the basement creating non-stop. I have tried to be many other things to fit into this world but nothing really stuck.  I have to create and I do that with my work and I can visit the outside world while I am doing it. It has taken me forever to accept who I am and enjoy everyday.

We can see that the world we have created in our head is mostly fiction and can be re-written to reflect the life we want for ourselves now. We can forgive others for their careless words or thoughtless actions that changed us.  We can forgive ourselves for internalizing these things and believing them for the decades that followed. It is our own voice that decides to give those words meaning. 

I woke up at 7 this morning made myself an espresso and have drawn one portrait and completed one pen and ink drawing. I am no longer holding myself back and carrying around the voices of my childhood in my head. I am happy to be the girl in the basement creating.  

Art and the creative process is healing and I believe a form of meditation. I can let go and just let it all out. 

  

Relationship Zombie - Too late to take a leap

We had such hopes for 2021 but it looks like we will have to hold on a little longer. I am sad for the Texans that expected to have their state make sure they had electricity and water.  This same event did happen a decade ago and many promises were made but just like every human on earth it doesn't take long before it is business as usual.

How can we ever get the people in charge to choose people over money. I really don't think it is totally about greed I think it is about the game of achievement. Most of the successful people that we know are focused on the next moment the next thing and are disconnected from the reality of the people they are affecting. 

They are just filling their 24 hours the same as the rest of us and just like us are so far removed from what is happening to other people.  I feel that way myself on weeks where I am so busy I don't remember much about what happen. 

This week we had a death of someone that made their wealth spewing hate without any regret. Spending the last six months on this earth inflicting as much damage as possible. I know his persona started out really as a joke just being as absurd as possible.  The more outrageous the more popular he became and the more rich he became.  Getting lost in the person he had become with addiction underneath. 

I think at some point there is no turning back, even if you want to, there is that moment where you become who people expect you to be it is just easier to go with it. We have all done it to a certain degree just went along because this is what is expected. We feel empty and too afraid to take a leap of faith to shake things up. What if every one leaves me and I am alone and no one loves me?

I wish I could say I took that leap willingly but it was forced on me because I had become a zombie even if I couldn't see it myself. I was always doing what I thought other people expected me to do instead of searching for my own inner dreams. I didn't mean to become a zombie but I wanted to be loved and this is how I earned loved by giving you what I thought you wanted. 

I didn't think I was lovable unless I met your every need before you even asked. This resulted in my love being flat and predictable and invisible. It is human nature to like things to be the same and also be attracted to excitement at the same time. Someone else took the leap to make there new dream happen leaving me behind.

I am grateful to be myself today even if my life is different. I can be at peace with the person I have become today. I am also grateful to have power and water. I do wake up every morning and stating out loud the things I am grateful for this includes - Hot shower - my house - my car - my neighborhood - my city - my state - my country and the world. Silly I know but it wakes me up to what is important.  You never know about tomorrow.

The story I am telling myself - starting over - freedom - a new life

I had a good week very stressful but not unbearable. I practiced my ten minute meditation every day this week although yesterday I had an early appointment so I practiced while my computer booted up. The clients canceled for the second time but I was okay with that. It gave me a chance to finish a big project which I have been putting off.

Recently I feel I have been in the flow more often than normal. What this means to me is that I just let things flow without trying to force solutions or make the universe move to my rhythm. When the appointment canceled I just moved on and looked at the positives. First I am not a morning person and it was the end of a long week so now I could relax and focus.

I know I can certainly get caught up in the business of life. Before peace was priority in my life the busier I was the more important that made me. I was like a machine fitting something in every minute and living off the high of just having so much to do.  This is how it is in the west we just want to fill every minute with something. With the few spare moments looking at our phones. 

Our mind can be our enemy always wanting more and more entertainment. The ego is always present no matter how hard we work at being whole and peaceful. I remember creating daily list of deadlines for myself and actually creating stress around those items. I did this to myself creating a crisis where there wasn't one. I liked the adrenaline rush it gave and I got use to it.

It took falling and crashing to the ground to see I had created this in my own life. I thought that this was who I was this busy hard working person that had a million things to do.  Everyone was counting on me to take care of them. I was so wrapped up in the idea of me that I couldn't stand still for a minute.

I was really running from the truth I believed about myself - that I was nothing without all this running. If I stopped whatever had been chasing me all those years would catch up to me and it would be over. I never dared to stop and turnaround and look at it. 

This was depression for me a deep belief that there was something about me that wasn't right and wasn't lovable. I was running hard to stay ahead of the this belief. I ran until I couldn't run any longer and collapsed  out of exhaustion. What happened next was unbelievable absolutely nothing. My ego disappeared and I was left with silence and it was terrifying.  The person I was before was gone.

I was in a state of nothing for what seemed like forever. I just stayed there because I couldn't move. None of the old ways of kicking myself back into gear worked. I went through the motions of life and did what had to be done each day. Thankfully I haven't returned to the person I was before.

I realized I had created the that person over the years. All the ideas I had taken on given to me by my family and other outside influences. Then who I believed I was and how I re-enforced those beliefs with my thoughts and actions even when they no longer served me. 

If I created that person I could create someone new. Since that person was gone I could start over if I was willing. If I was willing to let go of the story of myself. I had a choice - I could keep repeating the story mostly to myself or I could let go and just show up everyday and see what happened. The physical brain is geared to lay down well worn paths so it isn't easy to just choose something else. 

At this point I was a blank canvas and had detached from the painful person I had become. A warning here everyone around you will want you to come back just as you were because it makes them feel safe to keep things the same. You no longer fit into their story the way I use to and it makes everyone uncomfortable. 

This post has some pretty radical ideas and not for everyone. I didn't ask for this to happen to me but I wanted to be happy even if it meant starting over alone. I am so grateful and happy for the first time in my life. My story made me miserable and I thought I had to just accept this fact and do the best I could. It is just that a story in my own head told over and over until I believe it is who I am even if it makes me unhappy. Nothing is permanent and at any moment we can choose again. 

 you want to change you have to monitor your thoughts and see where you go when something unpleasant happens. Where do you run to? How do you justify your next behavior? If you feel guilty do you say "I am like this because ____"  enter whatever you usually say about why you do it.

 

Forgiveness in 21 days - Freedom

I heard a teacher talk about forgiveness and the brain and how saying out loud the people that you still have angst against "I forgive you ____" will set you free.  Just like everything else this starts to sink in brain after 21 days. You get another path etched in your brain just like a new habit.  I have to admit that it feels fake. It reminds me of the slogan "fake it until you make it".  It does feel like it is working.

I have three people on this list and after a couple weeks of practicing this I can actually say their names without making comments afterward. One person in particular has been hard to forgive my stepmother. The other two are just my ex's and the venom is just not there anymore.  I was an adult and they were adults and the pain has passed.

My stepmother was the adult and I was the child.  She was vicious towards me and really everybody else. Every word that came out of her mouth was hateful never a kind word for anyone even now. I think the difference for me was that I was a child and I believed ever word she said about me well into my adulthood.  I stayed that fearful child never measuring up to her standards which became my standards. This is why childhood trauma is so hard to unto for most people. The child inside is still there in some capacity and still believes the words said back then.  

I couldn't understand why she disliked so much. I tried to be perfect in every way but "I was never enough".  I thought it was me that I was not lovable and took this with me through most of my life. In every relationship I felt I was not enough. Really in the end I was not enough for myself. I had to get that thought out my system.  Since I am analytical I can list reasons why this idea is true.  This is not a good combination and can cause a loop of negativity. 

I was surprised that my Dad wasn't on this list of forgiveness. I have forgiven him mainly because after our last meeting together I realized he did not have the ability to be more than he was. After a violent childhood where an angry father beat everyone into submission my dad and most of his siblings shut down and are still that way today. They are all kind and generous but show little emotion. This is how he survived.

I always longed for him to stand up for me when I was being verbally abused by my stepmother. I thought his silence meant that he didn't love me. My mother was dead and now my daddy obviously didn't think I was worth fighting for either.  He had a new family and I was disposable. I left at sixteen because I felt unloved and my position in the family was the maid and babysitter. My cleaning was inspected like I was in the military.

I know her life was not easy and she made a bad choice at an early age and married a man who left her while she was pregnant. She has never gotten over that and the last time I saw her she was still talking about how he left her.  I am sure even though she blamed him in her heart she felt that it was her fault.. Her mother moved in with her a strict woman with high standards the divorce was a disgrace.

I have to admit that I can say her name out loud without wincing. It is truly the last hurdle the child in me has to jump to be set free. The patterns made in my brain so long ago were deep and my belief in them just deepened their truth for me. Because I believed them it made them stronger. The brain goes to what is familiar the thoughts and beliefs we have always had. We have to replace those thoughts to move on. This is why we try to escape through addition which is also a familiar pattern. 

Twenty one days seems to be the magic number to create lasting habits and in this case forgiveness. I feel lighter even if I am just half way through at this point. She always represented evil to me. A person so hurt going through life spreading  that hurt to other people. Another slogan "hurt people hurt people" she isn't any different than my own dad damaged by her childhood and rejected by someone she thought would love her forever. I surely can relate to this. 

Try forgiveness for 21 days - You know who they are when you can't say their out loud without a little pain but you will get past it.  I have been an adult a long time now physically and spiritually but this last little act of forgiveness, maybe not so little, feels good. The child in me wants to hold a grudge but trust me now to do what is best for the both of us. We are ready to forgive it will set us free. 

 

Accepting the person I am now - Freedom - Always Letting Go

I had to drive out to an island to measure a job this afternoon.  It is about an hour one way and truthfully I was looking forward to just going somewhere different for a change. You can take the faster google way and cut the time down by fifteen minute using some newly built connecting highways and bridges or you can take the old route that winds around the waterways with spectacular views of the marshes and beaches.  It was raining pretty hard so I took the speedy way up and the slow way home.

I have a lot of history with this area.  During the recession and my dark time I would go to the state park out there and walk.  If I had an appointment out there I would stop afterward and sit on the beach with my business clothes on and meditate. I remember one winter day just sitting on a rock and a couple of men came up and ask me if I was okay. They thought I should be cold but my menopause furnace was burning hot. I told them I was waiting on God. 

I have a way doing things intensely until I have had enough and moving on. I spent so much time up there and when I got better and just stopped. Places can represent a time in your life and that was not a good one for me.  I have no desire to go there and be out in nature anymore.  I have walked miles and mile in the woods and now I just want to work in my yard. 

For the trip I pulled a random CD out of and old stack I keep in the car it turned out to be the Indigo Girls live CD.  I haven't heard it in years and it made me think about the person I use to be. The songs brought back a time in my life that seems like a million years ago now. It didn't make me sad it just made me think how life is constantly changing. When you are busy and running you think your life will always be just as it is in that moment.  Nothing really stays the same so why worry. 

It seemed weird to me today that I am the happiest I have ever been with myself. I am not worrying or wanting things to be different than they are right now. I can't improve on anything and I can look back at the past without wishing things had been different. I feel at peace knowing that day to day things are going to change.  Something is always shifting whether we notice or not. 

I am not the person I was before for good or bad.  I couldn't stay the person everyone expected me to be forever.  This was hard for me to accept. I was mad at myself for a long time because that person didn't exist any longer.  I thought if I just acted like she did then I could find the person I was before. I felt like I was wearing an old heavy wet coat around. I have given myself permission to be happy and celebrate the person that I am and quit trying so hard to improve. 

I enjoyed my little road trip today more than I ever have.  It was beautiful even in the rain and I was alone and content to just listen to the music and be free. 

  

The lies we tell ourselves - Living with alcoholism

The week has been full of uncertainty at work with one senior person in our small company accepting a terminal diagnoses and stepping down from their position.  My manager taking on more responsibilities the last few weeks had a heart attack on Wednesday. We have been told that everything is fine and they be back to work tomorrow.

We like to go along thinking things will always be the same I guess that is human nature and how we survive. Mental health and well being is directly related to our ability to adapt to change. I never really saw adapting as a solution to change.  I worked hard to keep things the same or even better to prevent on coming disasters from occurring.

The problem with my own preventative measures is that no matter what I prepared for it wasn't the disaster that actually showed up in my life.  When I lived with active alcoholism I spent most of my waking hours trying to imagine the many possible problem scenarios my husband might get into when he walked out the door.  I some how became responsible for him. 

I didn't know I was trying to control alcoholism I just knew when he was out of my sight bad things could happen.  At first it was smaller more innocent things like losing his wallet or his glasses.  Then he seem to get hurt a lot when he played basket ball at the Y downtown often ending up in the emergency room.  Then there was the tickets never actually a DUI but mostly reckless driving.

At this time in our lives we didn't have any money or health insurance and with everyone of these things it caused a major set back for us.  As time went on it got worse and then it seemed he was never where he said he was going to be and never came home when he said he would. The company he worked for was known for their party atmosphere and once a year had a big weekend party where no spouses were aloud to attend only customers and employees.

One year I got a call at four in the morning towards the end of our marriage asking me to come pick him up.  It was an hour drive and I had to be at work at eight. I didn't go and it turned out this was his first infidelity and he blamed me and of course I blamed myself.

He became a stranger to me and until that time we had never spent a night apart in seven years. I knew I was losing him and I fell into a deep depression.  Nothing was working I tried everything to bring back the person I knew and loved but he was gone. He turned on me a blamed me for everything that was wrong with us.  I accepted that blame because I didn't know any better.

I told myself if I was a better wife then we would be happier. At some point I shut down because I felt paralyzed by the lack control I had. It came to an end one day when he said he didn't love me any more and that he wanted out. I was devastated and forced him to go to counseling.  The sessions started out separately and he would tell them he had a girl friend and they would tell me to move on. I didn't know for almost a year that their was someone else.

I am not sure why I am writing about this today.  I guess the love I had for him really kept me from seeing the problems we had were bigger than the two of us. My thinking I could control him and the outcome kept me exhausted and feeling helpless.

Addiction comes in many forms and is a product of coping with something awful that has happened to us when we are young and don't have the maturity or support to deal with what is happening. It then becomes our way of dealing with life and depending on the substance of choice it can become permanent.

We both experience the death of our mother at eleven and our lives were chaos from then on. I turned to control and he turned to booze as a way to stay sane. His dad drank for three years after the death of his mother and he had plenty of access and no supervision.

We were a perfect match two broken people with similar needs. It was like I lost a part of myself when he left and I really never got over that loss. I think because for a long time we were like one person and we understood each others pain. I could not follow him when he left me for the drink. The women were just a part of the escalation of the alcoholism.

He married the other woman and they have stayed married.  The last time I saw him a week before their wedding he told me that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. He was lying of course always playing to the audience in the room. He sent me a letter later on making amends to me for making me the villain.

We make our own pain complicated and we drag the people we love down with us. We run thinking that we can get away from that monster chasing us in the dark. We are kids when this habit begins and if we could just have the courage to stop and turnaround and face it head on we can see it isn't real. It is just lies we have told ourselves that can be revealed. We aren't broken we just believe we are broken and it is this belief that keeps us where we are.

I am at peace today and know that I am free from my own monsters for the first time. I only wish I could help other people see just how simple it really is and I didn't have to spend decades suffering to find freedom from the pain. The lies we tell ourselves keep us stuck forever.

Today I try to roll with what is happening today and don't try to control things anymore. Life just on and magically things just work out.  We aren't always happy with the results but we get over it. 

EMDR -damaged without hope - Choose again

Today I decided to use the EMDR sound plus music therapy that is used to address trauma. I thought 15 minutes as part of meditation would be a good idea.  Just like all my meditations my mind was all over the place until I arrived in my childhood home.

I was in our den with the braided oval rug and I can see my mother now laying on the teal couch that Lurlene from our church had just recovered for us.  My mama spent most of her days sick on her favorite couch. She never had chemo therapy just radiation but food was the enemy for her and when she was sick this is where she stayed..

In the meditation she could see me as I am now and she called me over and took my hands.  I told her I didn't know she was going to leave us and she said that she was sorry for not telling me the truth. She took my hands in hers and said "look we have the same hands". She said that I have always been a part of her and that she was proud of who I have become. She offered to let me lay on the couch with her but since I am not a child I am too big. I laid my head on her chest and she stroked me.  I cried the whole time and I am still crying just writing about it.

All my life my memory of my mother has be from a distance.  I could see her and remembered things she did but I never remembered what she said or recognized her as a flesh and blood person. I thought it was because I had forgotten and not because I was blocking the feeling of loss. I have never let myself feel that loss. I have felt it through other losses in my life but the one true loss I had I never really acknowledged. I was a child and I didn't know how to deal with it so I put it away forever.

I always thought I was a burden to my mother when she was sick.  I was strong willed and tried to be good but I never was sure what I was doing wrong. Seeing her in my meditation she felt like a real person and not some far away dream of a voiceless person.

The way EMDR is suppose to work it that the eye therapy, sound or tapping distracts the conscious mind and lets unconscious memories of thoughts come to the surface. I am not an expert but I have had two breakthroughs that have helped me to address beliefs I have had about myself my whole life. The reason I think "I am not enough"  the reason I think people leave me even if with my mother it was in death. My child's mind put this idea there and I have built on it with every loss.

I believe that we form our ways of coping with life from a child's perspective. When we become grown up we just take those core views and embellish them to suit our current situation. The brain always takes the simplest route or routine so it is easier not to question our thinking. This is why when we have some life altering crisis we start to question our thinking. It is too hard for most people to give up who they believe they are because without our identity we feel naked and empty.

I know this first hand but this doesn't last long. Even without our identity we are still here and can choose again. We can choose to re-create a happier healthier person by rejecting the idea that we are permanently damaged and without hope.  This is a lie built on the ideas we formed as children.  We can choose again and know that it is only our thoughts and false beliefs about ourselves holding us back.

Whether my meditation was brought on by EMDR or if it is the belief that it  might help me have a breakthrough it worked.  I have been that young girl hold people at arms length because I thought they might leave me like my mother did.  I haven't wanted to take that chance again. Today I can see that and I feel dancing around the house.

Order and Chaos

This is my birthday month and I gifted myself with a art workshop the past weekend.  Two full days of creating and producing are under the guidelines of a retired art professor.  The instruction given was to be loose and repetitive not really my cup of tea.  I did what I always do and just put something on paper to get me started.  As the teacher circled the room she said really nice drawing but not what I instructed.  I am new to the group and she was cautious about her direction at first. I finally said "give me direction" she said to draw the pile of bones on the table without looking at the paper.

I did it an produced a decent drawing.  My middle name is order and her middle name is chaos.  I am glad that I didn't look at her work before the workshop or I might have decided not to sign up. At the end of the first day I was tired and asking myself "do I care about doing art anymore?"

Doing art has been a part of my earliest memory.  I kindergarten we colored one day and painted the next every day they would ask us, "Did you paint or color yesterday?'  I always said, "I colored" so I could paint.  I loved the vibrant colors of the tempera paints.  In my teens I skipped my other classes to hang out in the art room telling my teacher that I had a study hall. Art was my salvation even though I never was seen a gifted by the teachers or encouraged in any way. Artist can be elitist amongst themselves it is a competitive world and insecurity runs deep just like any place else.

I feel that just like anything else the ego needs something to make it feel special.  Something to identify with " I am an __________."  This what we do not who we are and it is hard to give up if you don't want to do it anymore.  Who will I be without this label? 

When I crashed into darkness this was what I felt.  I knew I was not longer the person I use to be.  I was floating around with no identity with the people around me waiting for that person to come back.  This is a trap that makes us feel stuck in places we don't belong anymore for a really long time.  For me the change was forced on me and I felt I couldn't live without being the person I was before.

I felt I was floating out there being nothing. I knew I couldn't go back so lingered for along time in no where land. Nothing interested me for a long time.  This was so painful but I got use to it and quit fighting it and when I finally let go I felt lighter. I did the necessary things I had to do to get through the day and that was it.

We are taught that we are who people say were are or who we say we are even if it doesn't feel right anymore. Art was my salvation from those days in kindergarten.  I still love color and create everyday in my work but I don't need to be saved anymore.  I can do art because it is fun and not because I need to get the pain out. Ir isn't who I am it is just a couple days filled with art.

I loved the workshop and will do it again.  The group was very supportive of each other. It was scary at first when my own ego felt like I didn't belong there with other artist but I go over myself.

I met some interesting people and by the second day I felt refreshed and put out some nice drawings. The teacher said " I know I am intimidating but I mean well."  I said "people say the same thing about me."  I have no problem with straight shooters it is those that don't say what they mean that can blind side you.

It was good to get out of my comfort zone and I do have some ideas for art projects.  It was exhausting at first but chaos can be fun if you just let go.
  

Making a decision - Stuck - Fantasy

I sometimes wonder if what I am writing here is doing anyone any good at this point. I started writing this blog when it felt like the only way for me to stay alive.  I mean that in a literal sense.  Every word that came out of me helped me to endure just one more day of the emotional excruciating pain I was experiencing at the time.  In my mind my life had been reduced to ashes and I was starting over again and I resisted with every fiber of my being.

Because of my resistance I stayed stuck for a long time.  I also believed this made my body react by rejecting health and my adrenals failed and my thyroid stopped working. I was thin and refused to go to the doctor. In my emotionally and mentally weakened state I wasn't sure there was a solution to my problem or if living was really for me.  I kept going despite what my mind was telling me.

I tried to do the things that worked for me when I was left at 30 by the man of my dreams. Ironically last night I dream about him I was lost in a strange city and the only phone number I had in my phone was his and I called him to come and get me.  He never said yes before we got disconnected.  He is still not there I guess. In my pain it felt hollow to repeat the things that I had done before I was more spiritually mature and it seemed obvious that all the work I had done on myself didn't keep bad things form happening to me. 

The first time I thought I could mold myself into a pillar of spiritual strength and attract only goodness in my life and it worked for awhile anyway but in the end I still wasn't good enough and was left again. I couldn't reconcile the fact I was exactly where I was before.  This conflict cause me to stay stuck for what seemed forever.

What I would say to the broken person I was then is that crap happens to everyone and there is no magic bullet to stop it. You can only do so much and then you got to just live and be happy being who you are. We get trapped in the idea of working on ourselves forever when it is suppose to free us to accept ourselves and just live. 

I feel feel whole now for the first time in my life. I am thinking about what am I going to do with the rest of my life. I do want to live deliberately for a change deciding how I want to spend my time instead of just riding things out and waiting for something to happen.

Yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone with my sister using face time for the first time.  It was nice we showed each other our planted flowers in the yard. She has a lot things in her world that she can't do anything about right now.  You can't really solve other people's problems they have to be ready to receive help. I am an excellent example of that. She isn't ready to hear that.

We get entrenched in our version of life and only when we are ready to admit that it isn't working can we move on.  We don't want other people poking holes in our fantasy version of life.  Only when the pain becomes too much do we start looking for an answer. Our mind says "I can't do this anymore". 

I have had a great journey here with this blog and I haven't decided to quit writing yet but I feel this is coming to an end for me.  It seems I am getting mostly traffic from some porn site in Italy so it doesn't feel that I am making a difference.  Until next time.

Spiritual Genetics - Self Acceptance

I had a marathon conversation with my sister this week.  She called at 9:30 and we talked until 12:30.  I wasn't expecting this and had to be at work at 8:30 the next morning but took it all in stride. I am happy that we are really starting to get to know each other. 

My sister like me has spent most of her life alone emotionally.  She feels she has a leg up on me because she has children but now that they are grown they are starting to see that we are not normal. There is a number of reasons for that first with our Pentecostal upbringing we were taught that the things of this world are not important. If you have talents and abilities then you use them for God's good and to encourage people to find Jesus. 

We are analytical and our minds are in a constant state of processing and we aren't really interested in small talk or the latest TV super show.  My sister has stayed close to our family faith and pretty isolated to what is going on in the world.  My brother in law keeps Fox News running constantly on the TV so that gives you an idea of the slant of the house.  Everything points to the end of time.

I once said something about Tony Robbins to my sister and she had no idea who that was. I think it is funny that after such different lives we do have a lot of spiritual ideas in common.  I talked to her about the spiritual books I have read and she comes back with a christian book that says the same thing. 

We haven't been close all these years.  She has called me regularly most of my life but usually she did most of the talking.  She is having an awakening now with her kids wishing she was more like other people.  She wants to withdraw from their lives because she doesn't measure up in their eyes.

I told her that we are who we are and that there is nothing wrong with us.  Our mother gave us the gift of individualism and knowing what is important.  We were born in the deep end of the pool and the sooner we accept ourselves the happier we will be. 

I have always wished to be like other the people but I am not.  I have finally come to terms with just living and enjoying who I am.  I did tell her that loving herself will make her feel less like a victim.  The kids will come around one day and see that she has dedicated her life to making them strong individuals.  They want to fit in right now and they are not sure what to do with mom the spiritual intellectual. 

I was happy when she told me that during a recent family get together she was able to take a walk and enjoy the spectacular scenery.  She said it was the first time she didn't try to be something she wasn't.

We can't get away from who we are at the core.  My sister is an amazing person and has done a lot with her life despite a lot of road blocks and a rough start.  I think it is funny how much the same we are and how only now she can see that.  Spiritual genetic I guess.  Thanks Mom.

Getting out of a rut - Baby steps

It is so weird to feel joy and excitement about life.  I thought I would have to settle for contentment since it was better than apathy and much better than depression.  My analytical mind is trying to figure out what is different and how can we maintain this level of happiness.  This of course takes away from actually enjoying happiness.

I have made a number of changes over the past six months that really helped.  First the diet which I already hyped on in my last post also I have changed my routine ever so slightly and it has gotten me out of a rut.  I have to admit being off a lot from work really made me look at everything very closely. Once I got over the shock and fear of no business and the question "will I ever have another customer?" I could see the possibilities that free time can give you.

Silly I know but anyone that had a commission based job during the recession understands where I am coming from.  I have to admit for a few days I felt gripped with fear but then I remembered that I made it through that time regardless of the situation and that I would be taken care of even though I don't know exactly how at this moment.

Once I got over the fear I could see once again my part in being stuck and where like the program says "If you always do what you have always done then you will always get what you always got."  When I was sick with depression and thyroid meltdown I lived in survival mode and got use to just making it.  I only had the energy to do what had to be done and was willing to just maintain. I got use to not wanting for more and accepting that feeling okay was really good enough. Bad habits were formed.

This kind of thinking and acting is just a habit and something your mind gets accustomed to and tries to pull you back to in the event you want to make a change. Making changes is not only uncomfortable but also goes against our primal genetic code or lizard brain. So when you are making changes the voice inside is like "I don't like this. I would rather have a bag of tortilla chips."  Who can fight that? 

For me I just negotiate with that voice - telling it not to worry we will go back to the chips one day if we really want to.  Sounds crazy but let's face it the voice is not our friend when we are scared to do something different. The chips in my case represent the millions of good times I have had at Mexican restaurants with friends and it was the first food I bought when I left home a sixteen.  Doritos.

What if life will never be as good as those memories?  What if the future holds better times than those?  I think I have accepted that happiness isn't consistency but finding joy in today knowing that tomorrow we will face whatever comes.  We have to do that anyway so why ruin today.

I am back to being busy at work and missing that freedom I found from being caught up and having to use my imagination to fill my days.  I had forgotten what that was like and hadn't experience it since I was in school for design and off for the summer.  Being busy again I can appreciate both work and the security it gives me and also the ability to have a life outside of work.

If you want to get out of a rut start by changing just one thing.  It can be as small as taking a different route to work or eating lunch at a different time.  You brain will hate it but you will feel a little inspired.  Baby steps at least that is what worked for me.   

No one to blame - Not even me - Work versus play - flow

There has been a slight lull in the action on the work front so I am taking the opportunity to reflect on the overall state of my life.  I spent a few hours of my work day this week purging the millions of files that represent both real customers and those just wanting the numbers. I use to take this personally especially if I have a connection with someone I really want to do the job. 

I have reached the five year mark at my place of business and have matured considerably since I have been there.  I have to say the I don't get too attached to people or the prospect of a particular job.  I realize that people have there own agenda and are working through the process themselves.  What they dream of having and what they are willing to pay for that dream.

I believe that I get the jobs I am suppose to get.  I look at life through spiritual eyes and know that it is all working towards something.  Okay that sounds good but it isn't really true.  I really believe that life is random and you just have to stay in the flow of things with the least resistance possible.

When I am pushing or wanting a particular outcome and it just isn't working I need to step back and ask myself "why is this so important to you? - Is it life or death? - Is the outcome more about satisfying your ego's need to get something?"  I think that most of the time I am trying to keep up the reputation I have given myself.  What would a hard worker do or a kind person do? Maintaining an image I have of myself.

This isn't something you do consciously it is more a way to label yourself better than the average person.  A higher standard for yourself and it also gives you the opportunity to judge other people for not being at the same level.  I use to be so indignant about the actions of others and felt because I worked so hard and others decided to spend there time having fun that somehow my choice was better. Do I really know that?  I am a person that likes work more than I like play.

The reality is that it is just a choice.  Life is just choices we make everyday that sometimes work and sometimes don't.  We can't do anything about the random events of life we can just decide what our choice will be each moment with every situation. 

At work I have the reputation of having more high maintenance customers.  I have great customers for the most part but that doesn't mean they don't challenge me sometimes but I know it isn't personal.  Their lives have made them who they are and I am just working with them temporarily.  They don't know how they are perceived none of us do.  It isn't my place to change them.

We are all trapped in our own description of ourselves.  Our mind is always working to maintain who we believe we are everyday.  I fill lucky that I have been given the opportunity to question the reality of the thoughts I have about myself and know the thoughts aren't real just thoughts.

This helps me to know I don't have to be so serious about everything.  I don't have to have someone to blame if something isn't going the way I wanted it to.  I can just work on what is on my plate for today and be kind to others as they figure things out for themselves.

Most people go through life unconscious thinking that they are a victim of their circumstances. This is just who they are and nothing can be done about it.  I used to think like that and sometimes wish I could be that girl before I took the bite of apple.  But once you see you can't unsee - once you know you can't unknow.  It is scary to have no one to blame not even yourself.

People are suffering and dealing with the life they have been given. Working through the good surprises and the bad surprises life is always dishing out.  It would be nice if we could control this but believing we can is exhausting and devastating when something bad happens.  Staying in the flow without saying "why me?" can avoid a lot pain. Knowing it isn't any one's fault it is just life is freedom.

Freedom - A Road Less Traveled - Emotional Abuse

Coming back from a short trip to celebrate the soon to be birth of my grand nephew I had a chance to listen to Scott Pecks "A Road Less Traveled" It is the first and most influential spiritual book I have read. It was before 12 steps for me but really started me to thinking that I could change myself.

I haven't been close to my family because I did take the road less traveled.  My sister the one that we share both parents decided it was better for her to stay connected to the family my dad created after our mother's death. She wanted her kids to have that extended family and I would have done the same if I had had children.

I made my own way and eventually my dad and I came to an understanding that he did not have the ability to love me the way I wanted him to love me. When he remarried after my mother died my stepmother was emotionally abusive. She regularly said the most hateful things to my adolescent self that has taken me a life time to get over. I decided to leave at 16 and in my eyes no one has ever made an attempt to bring me back into the family.

After being gone for five years I tried to come back by having my wedding there but she was even more abusive to me. It solidified my belief that I was not good enough for even my family. My dad was a good man but was very passive after having his own abusive father.  He wasn't able to stand up to her or really ever understand what it meant to me.  I eventually was able to accept his limitations and healed this part of me. 

My stepmother on the other hand is still living and since my nephews marriage and now baby I have had to interact with her. Until the wedding I hadn't seen her since my dad's funeral 15 years ago. The wedding weekend I felt numb. She sat next to me at every event. She hasn't changed much still criticizing her own grown daughters with their children and grandchildren.

This weekend it was less stressful for me and she sat next to me at the shower and at dinner. It made me laugh to think the person that has done the most damage my life besides my dad is sitting next me and I feel nothing. The girl in me is gone and she has no power over me anymore. She is old and really she has no idea her affect on me. It wasn't personal and she inflicted the same abuse on her own daughters. She was not enough so therefore she wants everyone that she comes across to feel they are not enough either especially those closest to her.

While listening to Scott Peck I realized just how far I have come and how I have worked hard to heal every part of my life. My stepmother was the last person from my past that had any power over me.  I am finally free.

Looking for my mother - All grown up

It is a friend of mine is having a birthday tomorrow someone I have known a long time and I was once very close to.  Maybe the closest thing to a mother I have had. Our relationship has been different now since I had to go out on my own and learn to heal myself. I couldn't act like the the person I was before because that person does not exist.  I did try for a while because I felt bad that I was losing another person who represented a milestone in my life.

When I entered the program I met a lot of people that were all suffering and going through some of worst times in their lives.  We were all babies in the program and children looking for a safe place to land and someone to comfort us instead of us being the comforters.

She did this for us she cooked and made all our favorite foods it seemed for me the way I imagined my own mother would have done if she had lived.  She was a mother to us an in turn we were obedient children and did what she told us to do. When she said show up we did.  I imagine this is what having a mother would also be like.

I think the way we depended on her made her feel she was needed. In my last relationship I played the same part she did.  I took care things and made sure everyone had what they needed and felt safe and secure when I was around. The very thing I was longing for.

I enjoyed this role for a long time but towards the end it felt forced and the people I did for took my presence for granted. No one ask me to do this it was what I needed. I was trying to feel the void that was left in me after my own mother died.  I was trying to heal that part of me that didn't feel safe.

I know now that no one can keep you safe even if you have the best mother in the world life isn't safe. Things happen and you have to find a way to dig deep down and trust that you are going to be alright. It is good to have friends that comfort you but in the end no one can fill that void but you.

If we are lucky we grow up and learn that we must save ourselves and find our own inner happiness. This wasn't easy for me because I believed I had something permanently missing from inside of me. Something I would never be able to heal I thought I was damaged goods.  This was the lie I told myself and it affected every choice I made.  All the time I had the power to heal myself.

I know now this was the path I had to take because I took it.  Every choice was right for me and my own growth.  I wasn't born lacking in any way and my spirit was trying to find its way back to the freedom I was born with. To live life un-afraid and willing to accept that life changes and people change and we can either adapt or live in constant fear of what is next.

Happy birthday to my friend and thank you for the years you took care of all of us. We are all grown now but we still love and respect you for all that you did for us so many years ago.

What will they think of me? - The color of life

My sister and two of her kids are coming to visit me next month the first time in 24 years.  I have a lot of ideas about the reason why she hasn't visited but they are coming.  I decided to redo my upstairs bedrooms with paint and new drapes an over all face lift.

In the old days I would do something like this because I would be worried about what they think. Today I am doing it because it gives me an excuse to stop neglecting the upstairs. After my roomate moved out a few years ago I haven't really done anything to it. It has become a bone yard of spare furniture and lamps.

The room I worked on yesterday was originally painted cake batter yellow with one citrus green wall. Today the room is white with a midnight blue accent wall. It looks amazing but I am completely sore from my marathon painting job and I am not sure I can work on it today.  I hope I have enough energy to hang the drapes that will bring the room together.

I had the whole house painted before I moved in.  I chose the pallete that I had in my former house since I was too shocked to make any other choices.  Most of the walls were the cake batter color with light accent walls. Since then the down stairs has been repainted white with deep accent walls. Ironically the house was white when I bought it but it seemed too stark and un -familiar for me to leave it white. I wanted it to feel like home.

I believe our space directly affect how we feel about our lives especially color.  It also affect the commitment we have made to where we are at that moment.  If we are planning to stay or if we look like we just moved in or could pack up and leave at any moment. Chaos in the mind is always reflected in our spaces.  I am happy to see that I have come along way.

For my particular situation I rejected this house and this new life I was forced into. This was not home and I refused to treated as if it was.  My previous home I thought I would be there for life and I was dug in even if I wasn't happy. I look at the color choices I made for some upholstered chairs they were so drab and lifeless.  I think "who was that person/"

Over the years  as I have gotten better and healed those places inside myself that I thought were permanent my house has begun to change too. Room by room things have gotten lighter I am no longer stuck in the darkness. Even though the midnight blue is dark it is contrasted by the brightest white.

When we are locked in our minds and our troubles we aren't living in the physical world any longer. We are a body walking around doing what we have to do to get by. Life is an interruption to our thinking process and we can only deal with the crisis in our minds. We have to see that the problems can't be solved with more thought. We have let go of the fear our minds have created and be free.

We want to be free to be available for the people that need us now not is some imaginary future when we have all the problems straighten out. We need to be there for ourselves physically and emotionally not just mentally.  We need to comfort and take care of the child within that is waiting for us to notice them. It is time to come back to the present.

That was a little heavy in the end there but it reflects what it has taken me a lifetime to learn.  Today I can just focus on the fact that the relationship between my sister and I have healed enough that she is coming to visit and I am happy about that.  She has found out in the past few months that we are more alike than diffent and life is short and the only time we have is now.  I have no expectations.

Emotional Storms - Clearing the air

We had a big storm here in case you happen to be on another planet.  I didn't have any damage to my property and enjoyed the extra couple of days off.  My long time friend stayed at my house for the worst of it and we produced some art until the sun went down and we ran out of light.

I decided the day before to bake some bread and the morning of the storm to make a chocolate cake. I figured if we had to go days without power nothing would be as satisfying as homemade bread and chocolate cake.  

We did lose power even before the storm was near but I didn't really mind that much.  I like the quiet and I knew it probably wouldn't be out for long.  The next morning everyone was out cleaning up their yards manually.  The sun was shining and you could really feel a sense of community.

The neighbors next door had their kids raking the yards of people that had evacuated.  They are good people and I imagine spending the night with three kids and a German Shepard wasn't exactly stress free. 

It was just the two of us and we were getting each others nerves a little bit. We did play Scrabble and I found I could play with a real person and win.  Until then I had only played the computer and wasn't sure I could play against a real person.

Lately I have felt something shifting inside.  Every since I returned from the wedding I feel different. I faced a few ghost there and was un-affected.  Before the storm my sister and I got into another discussion about my dad.  She said I would never have forgiven him even if he had asked to be forgiven. For a moment things got ugly. I said I would have accepted far less than an apology and I didn't appreciate her thinking she knew what I would or would not have done. 

She then ask if I was over it why was I still talking about it.  I told her because she was the only one that was there and the fact that she dismissed what was done to me as my imagination that I felt I had to defend myself. I said we did not have the same experience and that I have spent a big chunk of my life getting over it. She said she fought to have a relationship with him and I said I was too immature back then to think I needed to fight for a relationship with my own father.

I was surprised by this conversation but it really cleared the air.  I ended it by saying that if the stormed wiped me out that I could at least go in peace. We have of course talked since then.

We all think we know what other people are experiencing but that to me is like playing God and I have done it many times. We think we can give them advice and make things better but this is not true.  We have to know that we can't feel their hurt we can only listen and comfort them and share our own experience. 

I am happy to be where I am now.  Having that discussion with my sister really freed me to relate to her as a person instead of listening to big sister advice.  Today I am grateful to be free from the past. 

In the flow sometime means letting go

I have felt lately that I am in the flow.  Moving through life rather effortlessly I don't feel anxious anymore more settled. In my head I am thinking "I am going to make it after all".  It sounds silly but this is how I feel. If I feel resistence then I go in a different direction.

I spoke to my sister last night for a couple of hours and she was telling me how her kids are out doing things. Her daughter leaving for Australia for a year and her son might soon be getting married. She also told me about a trip she took to see my dad's brothers and sisters. I felt left out of her life excluded from the one person who is my closest relative.

She did go on and on about how my dad spent quality time with her kids and what a great caring a loving person he was and how lucky we were that he was loving. At this point I said "not to me" I have forgiven the situation with my dad. I realize now he was actually a very "present" person and if you are not in his presence you don't really exist. I was the child wanting the parent to reach out and show I meant something to him.

Anyway I couldn't continue to listen to her pretend this was both our experience and I finally said something.  I did go on to say that he and I did resolve our issues after I realized that he wasn't capable of understanding what effect he had on my life. Funny thing happen around that time of the converstaion  the phone my battery died. Who knows how long I was talking after that and maybe the universe decided some of what I was saying didn't need to be heard.

It might have seemed like I was mad and hung up.  I couldn't call back until I got a little charge also I have no idea what the last thing she heard me say.  She called me back and we didn't resume the conversation about my dad.

This situation between us needs to be healed. I have never felt wanted by my family and in the early years I made a lot of effort to keep up the connection driving nine hours every year to visit only to be ignored. It wasn't personal but more like indifference so over the years I have stopped going.

I think it is too late.  I can't continue to wish for things to turn out differently for me and my family so I am letting go of the situation. Her calls seem like maintenance to me a way for her to feel like she has done her part by reaching out. I am on the "to do" list an obligation.

This makes me sad and maybe it isn't true but I have got to let it go. I can't fix the past and I don't feel like putting forth any more time an energy to force a solution. It is the way it is and I can't squeeze anything else out of it at this point.

So today I am letting go the relationship and turning it over to God and the universe to decided whether it can be healed or not. I can no longer play the part of the unwanted sister and as long as I am waiting for a miracle I am.  It makes me feel like I am begging - please like me - please want me.

Letting go is a step towards freedom for me. Freedom from the pain of wanting something I have no control over and I am ready. In the flow things just work themselves out. Once I am willing to release it without specific conditions or results I can be free.

Commitments to myself - Entertainment

Here we are on the eve of another year filled with potential.  I am usually anti resolutions and try to not set myself up for failure and just promise to do my best. This year I have decided to write a few goals down.

Now that I am out of the danger zone emotionally and not worried that depression will return for a long term visit I feel more free to make plans.  With a healthier mental state my work doesn't seem so overwhelming and I can live with the constant uncertainty.  It is just work and luckily for me I enjoy what I do and I am good at it.

I am making a few resolutions this year or maybe I would rather call them commitments to myself. First the usual health I want to start eating less sugar and exercising more. I have gotten into the habit of eating something sweet every day and since sugar causes cravings for more sugar it has just gotten out of hand.  I also plan to watch less TV horizontally. I have a stationary bike so I am committing to riding it while watching.

The next commitment to myself is to promote my business.  I thought I would set up a face book page and put all my pictures out there.  Since I work for someone else I will just state designing for "____".  Also I am going to contact some of my old customers and let them know where I am.

The final commitment is to improving my house.  This I have already started in fact I just about finished my kitchen floor. It isn't the kitchen I would design for my customers but it will get me by until I am ready for the big redo.  I already have a guy coming to give me a bid on painting the house on the outside on Monday. I want my house to be ready to sell or just nice for me however that works out.

I really feel ready to run my life instead of my life running me. I think my on spiritual quest for peace confused me for a time.  I think realizing that the world and all our wants and needs are rather fleeting and there is no road that leads to permanent happinesness made me feel like putting more energy into to maintaining this illusion was real waste of time.  Over time I have come to terms with this and have realized I have to do something with my time.

I use to be mostly a doer getting lost in doing to avoid thinking too much about the underlying suffering that was going on. When life broke me I couldn't function in that place anymore I could no longer push the pain down. I stopped doing anything.  I drowned in sadness after fighting it for so long I let go and to my surprise I floated to the top a different person.  Mostly blank which really scared but I got use to it.

Today little pieces of me have returned including the desire to get things done.  I don't have the ego I use to have which included pain and insecurity. The desperate need for other people to validate my worth when I couldn't.  I have mostly let go of the past and of the imaginary future I thought I would have including bonding with my own family. I know now I can be whole without validation from outside myself. I can do for the sake of doing instead of doing as a means of escape from pain.

I am going to live this year open to what life brings me. I am mostly healed and ready to go back to being a doer and a little less of a thinker.  Thinking about the past or the future is really just my mind needing entrainment. It is a habit and works as long as it doesn't cause me pain.

I can plan and dream but I know that when I arrive at those destinations that I will be no happier than I can be if I want to in this very moment. Nothing out there will make me happy long term. It is all just something to fill our days and entertain us until our time is up. So I am committing to enjoy the moment and spend less time thinking about enjoying the moment.

I wish for you to find a way to accept that we have the power to heal ourselves by realizing the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves controls our happiness. Letting go of the truth that only exist in our mind is the ultimate path to freedom. We have power to create a better story for ourselves by letting go of the ones that have defined us our whole lives. We have that power to let go and be free. .

Happy New Year