I had a little break from my company the last two days and decided to play hooky and be on my own yesterday. I woke up and thought no one was looking for me so why not? It is hard for me to just do that even though I am my own boss.
I am reading a book that my sister recommended called Halftime. It was written in the mid 1990's and is about taking the talents that made you successful in you thirties and start to transition them into something more than just making money in your forties. He was tremendously successful buying and selling companies so I think maybe he had more options than most of us.
I think I understood what he meant because when you reach a certain age you realize that no matter how much stuff you have, something is missing. This is a book about a spiritual life. One thing that stuck in my mind is that he said that everyone has a box that they put their most important thing or idea in. What is your life's priority at that moment. He said you can't have but one thing in that box. For him it had been money.
The thrill of the business deal the accolades from the people in the industry. All the things that the money brought him. At that moment when his own mentor posed this idea of only one thing he decided it should be God. But the very next day a big deal came along that was irresistible. He knew it was a test of his commitment to this new idea. He decided to turn it down.
I felt this book spoke to me where I am today. I did leave a money making career in my forties and went back to school to become a designer. Ten years later I am starting to realize that I don't have the inclination to set the world on fire anymore. But my ego hasn't quite adjusted to what this really means or how to accept this graciously.
It felt good to have the day to myself yesterday and time to look at where I am and where I have been. I was taking a little inventory of all that has happened to me over the past five years. I can see now just how lost I was and now that I am back what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
I have been mad with myself for a long time because I wasn't stronger and felt so needy and desperate. I was humbled by what life dished out to me even though I fought it the whole way. I didn't want to be that person that people who needed anyone. I can see now that I did my best and now I need to get on with my life.
I guess have to decide what exactly is in my box these days. What and who will get my time and energy? Can I push past the fear of what will happen if I really stop worrying and let go? Maybe.