I was starting to believe my new state of mind was permanent. I was starting to think I would never be myself again. I guess this is what depression does to you locked in a cycle alone with nothing but time. You stop feeling hope at some point that you will ever feel good about anything again.
I can't say what really kept me going without hope. Mostly I existed on autopilot going through the motions of what I thought was expected of me. I was there for a long long time.
It seems that once I accepted the new me I started to feel better. I accepted that it just takes me a long time to get over things. I had to stop beating myself up for not being more resilient. Life dealt me a major blow and I was down for the count.
The depression and the last five years is starting feel like a distant memory. You know like an old relationship that is over. You know it happened to you but it doesn't seem like it was really you. It seems more like a story from a book.
I have started to take care of myself and my life again. I am starting to make plans for the future. I am facing things without fear.
I am grateful for the things and people in my life that have supported me. Some of the people aren't with me anymore but they were there when I needed them. I am grateful for my own mind that kept me safe while I continued to search for answers. That small part of me that hung on when the rest of me didn't want to.
I am grateful to the program that saved me from myself so many years ago and helped me to see how it was my own thinking that made me so unhappy. A foundation that helped me to keep going through the past five years. Giving me hope that if I just waited the answer would come.
I am grateful for this blog and the encouraging comments I have received. This gave me something to look forward to and a safe place to sort out my thoughts. It is good to be me today.