Moving on - Do you really want to know or are you just being polite?

I am having a hard time today.  I sent a text that will end a relationship with someone I was doing business with personally. I have been thinking about it for a few weeks now and know that it will come as a surprise to them. As I mentioned in a previous post I got a text the day the capitol was attacked saying glory to God and that the guys doing it were not real citizens but hired by the government. That now history has been made and the election was truly stolen and he was forced to give that speech. 

This was so sad for me at the time and I really didn't know how to react. I don't understand how people can even try to bring God or Jesus into the political hate being spread. I can only sum it up to the situation at hand with everyone afraid and lonely wanting to be on the right side of something. We want someone to blame for what is happening. We can't blame a disease if we pick an enemy and God is on our side we can live feeling secure. Just like the movies they are bad we are good.

I wanted to say a lot of things but I do believe people are entitled to whatever beliefs they want to have unless it affects me personally like trying to over throw the government.  I also believe it is my right to spend my money where I want to spend it. You can't convince another person they are wrong if they are dug in.  I like what Al-Anon teaches attraction not promotion.

In this case I did feel that I had to express my sadness that so many people have been deceived by a man that promotes only hate and would rather try to end democracy to keep from looking like a loser. In the text I did say that I did trust God and Christ's message of love for everyone. I thanked them for their talents and wished them the best.

It was hard for me to send this message but I am at peace with it.  I have used their service for a year giving support towards a business that has been hit hard by covid but I think it was time for me to move on. I live mostly surrounded by people with opposite views from me and they all assume I am just like them. This is fine unless they ask me specifically what I think. I usually ask them "do you really want to know or are you just being polite?"

I have learned to stand up for my beliefs. I was stifled first by my parents who said I ask to many questions. Then my stepmother where any honest word would result in some kind of punishment and of course the alcoholic.  I didn't want to start a war and in the end I was scared I would get physically hurt.

I never pick a fight because I understand the motives of others really have nothing to do with the current situation. They have been formed over many years just like me and carry baggage just like me. I accept where they are coming from until it gets personal and then I have to calmly stand up for myself.

With years of practice I bring peace to where ever I am and this calms people down. I have worked hard to not take things personally and I have worked hard to communicate how I feel when someone crosses a line.  

Baggage - Leaving my limitations behind.

Travelsupermarket.com

I have a moment this morning before my day begins to write a little something. I was thinking about how nice it is that the people I work with don't really know me. They don't have a preconceived idea of who I am or what my abilities are.

Getting a fresh start helps me let go of the mistakes I feel I have made. I am sure if you asked my ex-business partner about me she could give you a list of my inadequacies and I would in turn be happy to give you hers.

I think about what they tell you in the program about how the people closest to the addicted can't help them. It is true for our side of the table too. We have to reach out to strangers to make progress. I think this breaks the cycle of "she always does this" and in turn " I always do that".  In our close relationships we fill our expected rolls like muscle memory.

We have history with the people we love and they have a stake in our success and we have a stake in theirs. Strangers can be objective they can't judge us by our past. We can step out of our roll as broken or controlling and be someone else. They don't know our secrets unless we tell them.

This past week I heard this guy in my office talking to someone on the phone about me telling him the experience I had and how great my back ground was. This really scared me I wanted to run in there a tell him that is  was before I had a breakdown. I wanted to run in there and tell him that I wasn't that person anymore and he shouldn't have such high expectations.

The truth is that I am that person or a better version of that person. So what if I did have a life changing bout with depression and menopause but I not permanently damage unless I decide that I am.

I can be whoever I want to be today. I can choose to bring my bags full of self-defeating judgements with me or I can leave them in the past where they belong. I can choose to fill those bags with my accomplishments and the fact that I emerged from the darkness a stronger and better person.

I am grateful today for a new start with strangers. I get the opportunity to live one day at a time and be who I want to be today.

A Voyeur considering facing the final dragon

I have had some news today that would normally rock my world and it did but only for a minute. I don't think I want to share that here at this moment. Nevertheless I needed a distraction so I went out to facebook to see what I could find.

Being fully awake in my life now I want to see everything just as it is. Since I have given up my story of being a girl without a family and started actually trying to have a relationship the part of my family still alive I decided to check my half sisters facebook page.

She posted a picture of our Dad with her from her wedding day. His big smiling face and her in her movie star (judgement or observation?) wedding gown. She noted that she missed him. I am her friend on facebook so I gave the picture a thumbs up.

She had a different life than me and her mom was always about the way things looked rather than what is on the inside. I didn't go to the wedding I couldn't have dealt with that whole scene.

You see it has always been about me. Locked in my own pain walking around expecting someone to understand me heal me be there for me. Stuck in a childs emotional mind.

Don't get me wrong I had to be there for as long as it took. So now what do I do about my little sister? Can I reach out and test the waters? If I mend what is broken then I will have to face my final dragon, her mother.

Her mother was the first person I encounter that I thought was pure evil. I know now it isn't true (first I wrote is true, a Freudian slip) and it wasn't personal. She is old now and has been pretty miserable most of her life. My Dad loved her unconditionally just as he did my own mother.

I have gotten over her emotionally and at my Dad's house after his funeral she actually said how much they both had loved me. REALLY! I knew my issues were with my Dad and loyalty so I never considered her as the real problem. But when I was under her rule life was no picnic.

If I want to be more than just a thumbs up on facebook it will include her mother. Can I do that now? A test of my no baggage lifestyle. Maybe.

We do have the same blood flowing through our veins. She is family. Can I see past the labels I have given her and see her without judgement.

We'll see only time will tell.