Friday, February 28, 2014

Warriors and Heros

Today I had a chance to see some real emotional suffering going on at work. I feel really grateful tonight for my own spiritual journey and the things I have learned about myself.  It showed me where I have been and helped me to see how far I have come.

I credit the 12 steps for getting me started on this journey to freedom and I credit myself for having the willingness to question who I believed I was and whether the person I was should or even could change.

The thought never crossed my mind that I had a problem.  I did have problems but these were things that randomly happened to me that were totally out of my control.  I just mostly felt unlucky and learned to live with a life full of crisis.

I became a warrior in this life.  Every day I got up and put my armor on and was ready to do battle. I would slay you before you could get me. The rare times I didn't have my own battle I would take on other people's injustices. I became your hero whether you wanted my help or not.

It was a tough life but I lived for the challenge. It was all I knew until Al-Anon. First the steps made me see that life was more than just war. The real war was inside of me I was my own worst enemy or at least my thoughts were.

Life isn't about what is being done to you it is how you feel about yourself when things are happening to you. I thought I was just unlucky or worse I thought that I was causing these things to happen to me. Every time something happened to me it was just more proof. I was the common denominator. I expected the worst and I got it.

Even when things were good I couldn't trust that they would last and they never did. This idea that things happened because of who I am is pretty self absorbed and not in a good way. I was too emotionally immature to see that life just happens and nothing stays the same forever. People leave because they are taking care of their own needs.  Sometimes it might seem selfish but maybe it is just having self worth.

My self worth depended on how many people needed me. In my personal life having people stay with me proved that I had worth so when they left it proved that I didn't. I didn't understand that this was a no win situation.

The recent years that I spent depressed I believe it was because I was left again and my mind told me that if I could be left after 13 years that surely this was the final proof that I was not lovable. I knew I couldn't go back to being the warrior so I gave in to those thoughts and retreated for as long as it took.

I had to give up all the ideas I had about myself and accept that there is no such thing as truth. The truth is what you believe in each moment and every one's truth is different.  I had to change my truth to something that didn't make my happiness conditional on what other people thought about me.

It isn't easy to live this way. Playing the part of someones hero can be very seductive it is a lot easier than just being your ordinary self.  No applause for that. But I don't want  to go back to where I was and besides maybe it is important to let people be the hero of their own lives. All I can say is that it is working for me.

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