It has been a busy week. I have mentally been visiting the past with my wedding anniversary this week. It seems silly that I still think about this date every year. I use to push it back but when I did I would end up with a sense of melancholy that I just couldn't put my finger on.
I didn't want to acknowledge this date. To me the marriage represented a failure on my part. I couldn't keep it together. All my plans for the future went out the window when our life together ended.
This week I went to a jazz concert with a friend from the program. The musician was one my husband use to listen to and taught me to love when we first got married. Because it was a last minute invite I didn't even know who was playing until I got there.
I half expected to run into him there but of course I didn't he probably doesn't even live here anymore. I don't have hurts over the past anymore. I can accept that life is just life and things happen and it is no body's fault.
He was a generous and kind man that taught me a lot about two important things in life food and music. Our relationship was an intimate one and we were rarely apart outside of work. We lived in an exclusive world just the the two of us and we loved it while it lasted.
When the affects of alcoholism started creeping into our time together I didn't really notice. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and I blamed myself for the distance between us. It wasn't just his drinking but the emotional problems he had from being raised in an alcoholic home.
With my own emotional baggage we didn't have much of a chance of surviving. Two emotionally stunted people with no communication skills trying to overcome the impossible without help. We were emotionally two children without a clue and blamed each other.
We did love each other but sometimes that isn't enough. I can accept that now and I can accept that he was just a part of my journey which led me to where I am today.
When our relationship ended my own recovery began and the journey has led me to understand that I can choose to be free. I can be free if I can stop blaming myself or someone else for how I feel today. If I can let go of the idea that my life needs to be fixed then I can enjoy this moment.
Tonight I am feeling gratitude for my life in general and for this week of hard work, memories and music.