I am starting to relax into my new life living without a long range purpose. Who knew I just needed permission to let go and see what happens. I feel lighter in a way I haven't felt since I was a child.
When I made my break or when I had my breakdown it was because I couldn't accept that I had absolutely no control over my situation. The life that I knew was gone and I felt like a stranger every where I went.
I tried all the soft places that had worked for me in the past but they felt sad and stale to me. I tried a few new things like meditation and even chanting. I found comfort in odd things like watching a movie over and over until the DVD started having problems. I just wanted relief.
I had never felt like this before. I reached out to my friends and some were there but because this went on so long many ran for the hills. I didn't blame them I would have run for the hills but I would have had to take my head with me.
I once had a guy say that it was painful to be around me. I told him to imagine what it must be like to be me. I did like his honesty.
When I felt deserted I turned on the few people that were still around. Anyone that it seemed might need something from me. I only could be with people that were emotionally neutral. No one that needed me to be anything or do anything for them. I thought if I could just be still and quiet it would pass.
I was right it did pass little by little until the day I woke up empty. Empty of the pain and empty of the person I once was a clean slate. Most of my friends were gone a few have drifted back but not too close. I am not the person I was before and they have to decide whether they like the new me.
I am not the woman that handles everything anymore. I am not a social directer or the person that cooks for a crowd anymore. I don't feel the need to please or define myself by the reflection I see in other peoples eyes. I have been to the bottom and to rise again I had to be empty.
I am still funny sometimes but not in the sarcastic way I use to be. I have no venom for anything or anybody. Even my ex's or my stepmother. I saw her picture on my sister's face book page this week. She looked old and a stranger to me all those years I carried those thoughts about in my head. Gone.
I getting to know the new me these days. I am not trying the find the person I was before she isn't lost she has just served her purpose. I am gentle and kind to this new me. I got nothing to prove to myself or anyone else. I am free to sail quietly through each day and see what there is to see.