Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Honesty - Permission to let go

I am starting to relax into my new life living without a long range purpose. Who knew I just needed permission to let go and see what happens. I feel lighter in a way I haven't felt since I was a child.

When I made my break or when I had my breakdown it was because I couldn't accept that I had absolutely no control over my situation. The life that I knew was gone and I felt like a stranger every where I went.

I tried all the soft places that had worked for me in the past but they felt sad and stale to me. I tried a few new things like meditation and even chanting. I found comfort in odd things like watching a movie over and over until the DVD started having problems. I just wanted relief.

I had never felt like this before. I reached out to my friends and some were there but because this went on so long many ran for the hills. I didn't blame them I would have run for the hills but I would have had to take my head with me.

I once had a guy say that it was painful to be around me. I told him to imagine what it must be like to be me. I did like his honesty.

When I felt deserted I turned on the few people that were still around. Anyone that it seemed might need something from me. I only could be with people that were emotionally neutral. No one that needed me to be anything or do anything for them. I thought if I could just be still and quiet it would pass.

I was right it did pass little by little until the day I woke up empty. Empty of the pain and empty of the person I once was a clean slate. Most of my friends were gone a few have drifted back but not too close. I am not the person I was before and they have to decide whether they like the new me.

I am not the woman that handles everything anymore. I am not a social directer or the person that cooks for a crowd anymore. I don't feel the need to please or define myself by the reflection I see in other peoples eyes. I have been to the bottom and to rise again I had to be empty.

I am still funny sometimes but not in the sarcastic way I use to be. I have no venom for anything or anybody. Even my ex's or my stepmother. I saw her picture on my sister's face book page this week. She looked old and a stranger to me all those years I carried those thoughts about in my head. Gone.

I getting to know the new me these days. I am not trying the find the person I was before she isn't lost she has just served her purpose.  I am gentle and kind to this new me. I got nothing to prove to myself or anyone else. I am free to sail quietly through each day and see what there is to see.


  1. "I have been to the bottom and to rise again I had to be empty." - that is actually so very true... made me stop and think... And we do change. Wasn't that the plan all along? How come we forget about that... Love this post, both because you have figured a way through it all, and because you have sage advice and thoughts here to think about.

  2. I have been waffling around on some of these very issues. Your confidence in your serenity helps me to see that its ok to be settled and live a life of simplicity.