Sunday, May 10, 2015

Where is my mother? -Wanting

I realized today that I have spent most of my life wanting things that I didn't have.  This was true both in a material sense and a emotional sense. The ever elusive thing or situation that I thought would satisfy this inner longing that I had.

I thought this was normal and that it was my purpose in life to get those things. The trouble was that when I failed to get them I blamed myself. I was taught that if you put your mind to it then you can achieve anything.  This of course leaves out a big factor other people.

The problem with taking complete responsibility for your life and your circumstances is that when something doesn't work and there isn't a happy ending you feel life something is wrong with you.

You must keep working to improve yourself until you achieve the success you deserve. This is why self help and motivational speakers are so popular. Giving us the idea that we can control our destiny if we just keep a positive outlook. If we make a commitment to change ourselves everything will work our just like we want it to.

Everybody fails at one time or another even gurus and motivational speakers get divorced.  We don't have control of everything. We live our lives with other people who have their own will to do as they please with their life even if it affects us. Sometimes they don't have a choice it is their own destiny.

My mother died at 41 and this did altered my life in ways that I never imagined. I wanted what I thought I was missing every decade I was working towards finding that missing family. The child in me was sure that if I could find them I would be happy. I don't really remember my mother all that well. I have mostly memories of the whippings I got before she was sick.  I do remember good night kisses which kind of made up for it.

What I think I missed is in my imagination. She was strict and emotionally detached when she delivered those punishments. I knew I was a problem but I couldn't help myself I was curious and determined and when I made my mind up there was no stopping me.

I am still like that today. I realized today I have mothered myself my whole life and I must say overall I have done a pretty good job. I made a lot of mistakes but I did learn from them. In the early years I use to bully myself into doing what had to be done like my mother did with her punishments.

Today I am a beter parent I sit that little child down and explain why things have to be done the way they do and there is less rebellion. I list the benefits that might be achieved with good choices. On other occasions I give in and let her watch endless hours of TV and eat Hershey chocolate chunks. This goes a long way with to improve the trust between the two of us.

I don't miss my mother I miss the idea of what it would have been like to have a mother. I looked for her in every relationship.  I borrowed my in-laws when I had them and when they were gone more devastation for the child in me. In the program I found some mothering with my sponsor but in the end no one could satisfy what felt like was missing from my life.

I wanted to be somebody's priority and I believed that if I could find someone that loved me enough like my mother did, beatings and all, I would be happy. But everyone came up short compared to my imaginery mother.

Today I am celebrating the mother in me. I haven't been a perfect mother just like I suspect my mother wouldn't have been but a loving mother nevertheless. I can stop looking now and appreciate all we have been through together.

So today another breakthrough I have had a mother all this time. Someone that has brought me through the hardest time of my life. Someone that has helped me to mature finally to a point that I can be satisfied with myself and what I have accomplished.

Even with all that has happened to me I wouldn't have changed a thing. That isn't totally true I would have accepted less of the blame for being left behind. I wouldn't think there was something unlovable about.

I know I am a handful because I live with me. I can appreciate the endlessly curious unstoppable child that I am inside. This child has kept me going when nothing else could. I can be free to love and cherish what I have believed were flaws about me.

Happy Mothers Day to me.

1 comment:

  1. I relate to so much of what you have said in this entry. Looking for my father in other people, the constant wanting for something more...that elusive something that was always missing.

    I also agree, that though the struggles have been heartbreaking and hard, I would not change a thing. Inner peace is here and I will revel in it and not waste time by wishing I had found it sooner. Happy, happy Mother's Day to you, indeed!