Love letters - Endings - Final Step

I feel like things are ending. I am not sure why I feel this way maybe because I am not running so much to keep up at work. I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and less like I need strive to be better at what I do. I am at a place where I want to just stop and take care of the other parts of my life that have been neglected.

I recently got this idea that I wanted to write some love letters.  It came to me when one of my friends had a birthday and I thought about how much I admired her. I didn't write it but I still can. I also thought what if I write to all the people in my life that have made a difference whether they are still around or not.

I can admit now that I have been lost in the story of me for a long time.  That story eventually led me to a spiritual and emotional breakdown and then to recovery. This is an old story now but during my life and especially during the blackest times I couldn't see anything but my own pain. I don't think I really ever saw the good in my relationships I always focused on what could be improved and what I wasn't getting.

The 12 step programs does suggest letters of amends and maybe this is what I am doing. I don't think I would necessary send them out but I think it would be good for me to acknowledge that I did have help and there were people that stayed with me even when I could not be with them. As for the people that left me I also want to at least acknowledge the gifts they gave me instead the pain of when they left.

I am definitely not planning to give them to anyone not in my life now because I don't expect or want them back in my life I don't think. I am not the same and they are not same either our time together has passed. I just would like to acknowledge that they meant something to me even if it is different now.

For the people in my life now how could it hurt to let them know exactly how I feel about them. This is what I always wanted from the people in my life. Someone to just say how much they loved and appreciated me.

I have to admit that I don't think I really ever heard that and if I did I probably didn't believe it because I was sure I never going to be enough even for myself. I was never too generous with my own love an appreciation either always looking for improvement criticizing others as much as I did myself.

I am at an ending now which means I am also at a beginning. I want to be free to just enjoy life and writing love letters might be the final step for me.

I was wrong - Again - Making amends

It is interesting to me how my recent awakening has caused me to see just how wrong I have been about everything, really everything.

We have a contractor that we have worked with for years. He is a hardworking honest guy and over the years we have helped him build his business. In fact his core business is based on people we have introduced him to and he rents from one of my customers.

It always bothered me that once I introduced him to my customer they turned to him from that point on. They refer him and not me. He in turn tries to direct the business back to us when it has to do with kitchens and baths.

He came by last night to discuss a job and I realized for the first time how hard he works to do what is right for the customer. Just like me. He also is a good business person and tries to squeak out every bit of business out of his customers. Just like me. He does what ever it takes to get the job done and make the customer happy. Just like me.

What I realized now that I am awake is once again it isn't personal. He spends way more time with the customer because he is living with them during construction and helping them through the day to day process. I can't do that and truthfully when he is on the job we know the customer will happy so less effort is spent to stay connected.

Last night I made an amends. It wasn't a specific amends more like a blanket amends. I just said I was sorry for anything I might have done over these past years that might have hurt him. I told him I haven't been myself in a long time and I was sorry. He graciously accepted my apology.

We are alike in many ways, both perfectionist and just can't let things go.

My level of respect for him has gone up. He of course has not changed it is me who has changed. I am sure there is more amends to come and maybe a better working relationship.

Sewing - Shortcomings and Amends

If you have ever done any sewing you know you have to become one with the machine. Sewing isn't hard it is getting the machine to work properly that can make the difference between having a spiritual awakening and creating something beautiful or having a spiritual breakdown and identifying all your shortcoming in a matter of seconds.

I brought out my old sewing machine for the first time in about 15 years. You want to see if your program is working this is a good place to start. It was Saturday night and about 10 pm when I got the bright idea to start a sewing project. First I am old because I had a hard time threading the needle. 15 years and I have gone blind.

I can't help but think of my Grandmother Bryant whenever I sew or really do anything creative and quirky. She taught me how to sew on her peddle machine and I was her official needle threader. I made my first piece of clothing with that machine and I still have it. I was probably eight and it was a white dinner jacket for my ventriloquist doll. Complete with a black tie. I was seriously into puppets at that age hmmm maybe a matter to visit later.

My Grandmother was a queen in her own mind and expected things to go her way and they usually did. When my mother died she cried for 3 years until one day she said God doesn't want me to be sad anymore. My mom was her baby and she expected her to take care of her forever. My grandmother was a woman of faith and the loss of my mother tested that faith.

She was my greatest fan and encouraged my creativity more than anyone else. She displayed my creations and showed them to everyone that visited. She had a light about her but she also had a dark side. When she wanted you to do something it had to be in her time and that usually meant right now. When the family didn't comply she would get strangers to do what she wanted.

I was in my mid 20's when she got bone cancer. By that time she had moved here and had switched her expectations from my mother to me and I had resisted. My marriage was already not going well I was determined not to get caught in her web. My aunt came down from Chicago to take care of her. I visited her regularly but never connected to her situation emotionally. I was shutdown most of that decade and really have few memories. I abandoned her when she needed me most.

She was a product of her very scary childhood. Her father killed in a bar fight and her mother died and she was raised by a strict aunt. She married had nine children and then her husband died in a sawmill accident and she was left to fend for herself and this is how she did it. She saw every person as someone that potentially had something to offer. Even when she didn't need to do this it had become part of her personality this is how she survived.

I made amends to her this weekend while I was asking her to help me with sewing machine that refused to work on Sunday. It is never too late to make amends. She is a big part of me and my personality. She taught me that you can ask God for anything and he will always help. Everyone laughed one time because she asked God to get rid of the bugs in her house. It was a 100 year old house but I never saw a bug there.

She did what she had to do to survive just as I did what I had to do to survive. Even if that meant shutting down during her sickness. I had experienced so much loss by then I was numb to it and was determined not to care about anything again.

It had taken me 20 years to thaw completely and to come to terms with loss. It hurts whether you acknowledge it or not. Loss is part of being alive and the fact is people leave sometimes by choice and sometimes not. Accepting the ebb and flow of this process takes courage and support.

I am growing up finally, I had given up. I didn't intend on this being a serious post but it is was it is. On a lighter note after I ask for divine assistance with the sewing machine it started working perfectly. I whipped out four panels in a couple of hours. I am sure Grannys up there smiling and thinking, I told you so.

Unlikely ally - Reasoning things out

Things are moving forward in a strange way at work. The owner seems to have washed his hands of the day to day managing responsibilities. He decided to teach me today how to deposit checks or rather his way to deposit checks. He offered to go with me to introduce me the tellers. I said I could manage on my own.

I sat in the parking lot at the bank and thought about the position I have suddenly found myself in and felt a little put upon. Nothing is in writing and I think he is just seeing freedom from responsibility. Denial is the name of the game so I am not sure what to do at this point so I am in the wait and see mode.

I feel like I don't really know where to go for support or advice. My soon to be partner is not looking at this except from a purely business perspective and I get that but it is a little more complicated. We need to make money now. So I called my sister, she is a lawyer in another state.

We have had a kind of casual distant relationship over the years. She left for college when my Dad remarried and didn't really go through the same stuff I went through. She was four years older and we had a different experience. She didn't really want to believe the stuff I told her was happening. Denial is the name of the game here too.

She wanted to be close to my dad after her kids were born and I understood that but I felt left out. I chose to stay away and avoid any further damage to my self esteem. I wasn't part of the family. It is all old news now and over the past few years we have both made amends to each other in our own way. We are now getting to know each other again now that my her kids are grown and my dad is gone.

She called me tonight and we talked through a couple of solutions and I actually feel much better. We are so much a like it is really weird our thought processes are the same and our views on the personality dynamics. We have the same work ethic and the same weaknesses. We both try to do too much and think of the other person first. We want to do what is fair for everyone. We can thank my mom for that my sister and I would have to divide everything equally or we were in big trouble.

It is nice to finally have an adult relationship with my sister. I have grown up and don't see things with my inner child's eyes any more and I have stopped trying to get someone to do take responsibility for my pain. I understand now that everyone is trying to survive and to do that you sometimes hurt the people you love.

It is good to have someone in my corner that I can trust even if it is a lawyer. It has been a long day and I am glad it is over. I am happy to have more information and the side benefit of a deeper relationship with my sister.

Amends to the dead - Maturity

I took the day off yesterday and woke up late. I bundled myself up and turned the various heaters on in the house and proceeded with some over due chores. I have felt pretty good lately and a little overwhelmed by the spiritual growth I have been having. I am not sure why but I believe the god of my understanding knows just what I need when I need it and not a minute sooner.

I felt anxious about the day with so many opportunities to work on my to do list. Analysis paralysis I guess you could say so I decided to write for a few moments just to avoid beginning any of those things on the list.

I started with the usual gauging my mood for the day and recapping my thoughts about my post yesterday. Then my thoughts turned to my father and the grief he must have felt when he lost my mother. My recent experience with grief has given me the opportunity to experience what he must have experienced. The death of the dream is what I call it and for me I didn't even want to be in the relationship anymore.

I wrote a story from his perspective the night my mother died. He told us how he sat in the parking garage that night not wanting to face what he knew was ahead of him. He said his legs were like lead and he couldn't move. To know that you are about to lose the most important person in your life must have been devastating. Facing that at that moment.

He fought hard for my mother harder than she did, I think. He took her to every kind of doctor all over the country even when we didn't have the money. He even tried an illegal drug that was made from apricot pits, this combined with a macrobiotic diet. When this didn't work we went to faith healing services. This was our life for two and a half years.

Writing the story from his perspective made me realize just how devastated he must have been. I have been there recently and it if fresh in my mind the debilitating pain that nothing can sooth. Day after day just going through the motions of the bare necessities and even sometimes not even they were taken care of. I am not saying I experienced the same loss but I can have more compassion for him.

This was my father, a man with so much grief he shut down. I remember the morning he woke me up to tell me about my mom, she had gone on to be with Jesus. He couldn't function without her. He stopped paying bills and stopped eating.

All this is familiar to me and for the first time in my life I can really put myself in his place an not looking at it through the lens of a child. I could always say he did the best he could and I realized that long ago but being able to put myself in his shoes has changed me to the core.

I feel I understand as I never did before what it was like to be him. I couldn't have done that without experiencing it myself in my own way. I loved him and he loved me and writing helped me to heal and to say I am sorry for not recognizing his struggle sooner.

He is gone now but this is about my spiritual growth and I felt his presence yesterday while I was writing. I am growing up and once more using what I have learned in the program to find peace with the past.

A little less holy

It is quiet here today. I am in the showroom alone the owner has gone down south to see his new great grand baby. He has so many kids, grand kids and great grand kids he can't remember all their names. It is nice, he rarely takes off even though he could if her wanted. This is really his home, the showroom and he is still here six days a week.

I started a few different post and have ditched them for some unknown reason. Today I am moving slow and enjoying being alone here today. A couple of my customers came in one a new job the other picking up tile to finish her kitchen.

I feel good and have plans to drain the water bed later even though it is cold and the thought of messing with water is not appealing. Our contractor said there is some kind of device you can hook to your drill that is like a small pump. When I leave here I am going to the depot to see if I can find one.

I am trying to relax and take care of myself since business will be dead until after new years. It is a time to reflect and prepare for the future. In refection we can focus on regret or we can accept that we did our best and this was all we could do.

I had a heated discussion with a friend last night when I said we all do our best but sometimes it isn't good enough. Decisions we have made have hurt other people it wasn't intentional and we were working with what we had to work with. Our parents did the best they could with what they had it doesn't mean that it didn't leave some pretty big holes is our emotional make up.

This idea that it wasn't good enough sent her over the edge. She said it was what shaped us and made us who we are today and accepting people as they are or were is important. That everyone is exactly where they are suppose to be.

This isn't about blame for me, it is about recognizing how we got the holes and how we can heal them. We have done things that have caused harm to others and if we recognize that we can heal ourselves and others with amends. It did shape who we are today but for me I was Swiss cheese by the time I got to the program and my goal is to be a little less holy.

Isn't that the point our lives became unmanageable for a reason and figuring how my thinking became messed up I can move on. Most of it was from a child point of view anyway and as I become more mature I can stop taking the past so personally.

We finally agreed to disagree and decided to end the discussion with changing the premise to: Wouldn't it have been nice if ___________________ hadn't happen to me or Wouldn't it have been nice if __________________ could have been there for me.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Flat Line - Bored to death

Home alone tonight watching bad movies, actually Flat Line a not so bad movie from the early 90's with all the famous twenty somethings. Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon. I also think one of the Baldwin boys was in it, I could be wrong. They were med students and decided they would experiment with death. Medically stopping their heart for a number of minutes and bringing themselves back.

After each had their turn they were experiencing some scary unresolved issue that haunted them until they faced it in this life. For some it was by making amends an for others it was by seeing that they were children and couldn't be held responsible.

It is the past that holds me back or really how I look at the past that holds me back. Tonight for me I feel restless and tired from the work week and not feeling like doing anything. I have had enough TV and so am sitting in my newly created den doing a little writing, which always makes me feel better.

The distant past doesn't haunt me so much anymore it is the not so distant past that has showed up. I know that everything is as exactly as it is suppose to be but is is me that is impatient.

Overall I have had a good day, I closed a deal this morning, visted a job site and then bought some new canvasses at half price. So I am bored tonight, I guess they're worse things. It is quiet and I am happy to feel like my house is finally becoming my home.

Seeing the past without emotion

So I went to dinner with my former boss and her husband and it was really was really good to see her. She admitted that she had been hurt when our friendship didn't continue after she was forced to change jobs. I made the choice to explain what was happening from my point of view but with no excuses and no apologies.

It was a time in my life that I was coming into my own and really discovering who I was personally and professionally and I didn't think she was in a place to accept that. She had been my mentor and I her subordinate. I made that judgement and truthfully it was easier on me to avoid dealing with her. In the program I learned JADE I don't have to justify, argue, defend or explain if I don't want to, so I didn't back then.

I did say that it wasn't about her at the time and I said I didn't mean to hurt her. I was wrapped up in my own life and did what I had to do. It goes back to it is not personal just like when she was constantly angry with me at work I learned that it wasn't really about me.

When I got home the reviewing of my life and everything that has taken place since then did actually bring up some tears. Everything that I thought I would last at that time has ended. The career, the relationship even where I live. It is hard accepting that nothing stays the same. It all turns out for the best in the end and I am starting to feel that again in my life. The past three years has kicked my butt and left me with nothing but faith that the future will be brighter.