This week I started watching Big Eyes on Netflix but something about the impending disaster of the main character was more than I could bear. I guess I can relate in some way to being sucked in by some charming person that promises you the world and then turns out to be just another person trying to survive and putting their needs first.
She wanted a quick fix the story book romance. She was divorced back when women that were divorced were shunned. Today that seems it would be everyone. I think we all want someone to make of feel less scared about life and our future. When you are by yourself from time to time it feels like your out there on a high wire without a net.
I use to say I needed a soft place to land. I have experienced that a few times in my life. I did feel that in my last relationship. I felt security even if it was a false sense of security. All feelings of security are false at least long term security anyway. We are human and have a limited amount of time here and we never know what will happen next.
I sometimes deal with mild anxiety to me this feels like when you have had way too much caffeine A restlessness overcomes me and I can't shake it. It doesn't seem like it is tied to a particular event or even a thought in my head. This happened the other night and I decided to jump rope to see if that would get rid of the anxiety. It absolutely worked.
This made me wonder if a lot of my suffering over the years has been as physical and not always emotional. I have felt good this week calm even though work is slow. I have done a few things this week to stack the cards in my favor. First I have cut back on sugar and carbs. I have exercised in some manner each day - jumping rope and yoga at home. I have been eating giant salads - I have been working on a large charcoal portrait (my meditation) and last but not least I did go to a meeting on Monday.
I am a thinker and I have always thought I could think myself healthy. In the program they say "my best thinking got me here". I appreciate my mind and it has served me well in some areas but I think it is time to focus on the whole body, mind and spirit.
I have to admit I have been taken care of in my life. In some magical way no matter what God for me has worked things out. I have always been afraid to relax and enjoy this always thinking I should be preparing for future disasters. I have experienced many disasters but not the ones I prepared for so I still wasn't ready. This kept me from enjoying each day and the joy it had to offer.
We all want to feel safe like the one in the movie. I am sure it did work out for her in the end. I don't really know since I didn't watch it. Feeling safe comes when you look back and see no matter how bad things got that you are still here. That somehow things did work out. Not the way I imagined but I am still here and still have the opportunity not to waste one more day just tolerating life. I can to trust that there is a net below the high wire.