Thursday, October 20, 2016

Emotional Storms - Clearing the air

We had a big storm here in case you happen to be on another planet.  I didn't have any damage to my property and enjoyed the extra couple of days off.  My long time friend stayed at my house for the worst of it and we produced some art until the sun went down and we ran out of light.

I decided the day before to bake some bread and the morning of the storm to make a chocolate cake. I figured if we had to go days without power nothing would be as satisfying as homemade bread and chocolate cake.  

We did lose power even before the storm was near but I didn't really mind that much.  I like the quiet and I knew it probably wouldn't be out for long.  The next morning everyone was out cleaning up their yards manually.  The sun was shining and you could really feel a sense of community.

The neighbors next door had their kids raking the yards of people that had evacuated.  They are good people and I imagine spending the night with three kids and a German Shepard wasn't exactly stress free. 

It was just the two of us and we were getting each others nerves a little bit. We did play Scrabble and I found I could play with a real person and win.  Until then I had only played the computer and wasn't sure I could play against a real person.

Lately I have felt something shifting inside.  Every since I returned from the wedding I feel different. I faced a few ghost there and was un-affected.  Before the storm my sister and I got into another discussion about my dad.  She said I would never have forgiven him even if he had asked to be forgiven. For a moment things got ugly. I said I would have accepted far less than an apology and I didn't appreciate her thinking she knew what I would or would not have done. 

She then ask if I was over it why was I still talking about it.  I told her because she was the only one that was there and the fact that she dismissed what was done to me as my imagination that I felt I had to defend myself. I said we did not have the same experience and that I have spent a big chunk of my life getting over it. She said she fought to have a relationship with him and I said I was too immature back then to think I needed to fight for a relationship with my own father.

I was surprised by this conversation but it really cleared the air.  I ended it by saying that if the stormed wiped me out that I could at least go in peace. We have of course talked since then.

We all think we know what other people are experiencing but that to me is like playing God and I have done it many times. We think we can give them advice and make things better but this is not true.  We have to know that we can't feel their hurt we can only listen and comfort them and share our own experience. 

I am happy to be where I am now.  Having that discussion with my sister really freed me to relate to her as a person instead of listening to big sister advice.  Today I am grateful to be free from the past. 

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