I have had a lot on my mind through the holidays. It is never the best time for me emotionally sometimes I can just be satisfied with being neutral, This year a few things came up that I really didn't understand. The feeling manifesting in an under current of irritability festering on top of resentments and ultimately ending by blaming myself for screwing things up.
When I first entered the program I became part of a group where one person kinda served as the social planner and matriarch of the group. About ten of us did all kinds of things together and at the holidays those of us that do not have family here would spend our holidays together. This has been going on and off for about twenty years. Really.
This year it was announced oddly at a meeting that they wanted to spend Christmas alone. When I stopped by the day after I was given a detail account of all the people that were there and what a fun time they had.
I had spent Christmas with a friend alone the third day in a row of cooking and eating together. I felt out of sorts and really couldn't put my finger on why. The marathon cooking did remind me of the past and the life I use to have that life involved a lot people. Back then I did enjoy the cooking but I am no longer that person and cooking three days in a row for just two felt like drudgery.
After hearing how great Christmas was where I am normally invited made me really sad. I realized I am no longer part of that inner circle the one place where I once felt like was my chosen family. I no longer fit in there but whose to blame but me. During my dark time I dropped out of the circle and lost my place and now my pool of close friends is smaller than ever. Blaming myself was the reason for my own sadness and irritability.
I know where is my gratitude? I was able to sort this out by admitting that I don't really fit with those friends anymore. I have moved on just like they have but the issue is an old one "I don't belong anywhere" it an old story that I tell myself when my life doesn't look the way I thought it would look at any given time. Also telling myself that my life is small with mostly work.
I would like my life to be bigger and to have more moments of joy and laughter with friends but the truth is I love my work and I meet new fun people every day. It challenges me every day and I need that. This is more than most people can say. I chose my work and mostly I love it.
Time has passed and I am also grateful that I came out of the dark even if this means I lost some friends along the way. I worked through some pretty painful ideas I had about myself not being worthy of love because everyone I have loved has rejected me. So being rejected this Christmas brought up those feelings.
I have realized that I can't define myself by how other people treat me. Everyone is busy being the star of their own drama and they aren't paying attention to my wants and needs. It isn't personal and when I went to the dark side I wasn' thinking of them I was just trying to save myself. I did just that with the help of my own higher power. It could have turned out differently and this post would not exist. So I wouldn't change a thing.
You can't go back and do things over and you can't go back and crawl into the spaces where you once felt safe and secure. I know that security is an illusion and as you grow spiritually you learn to feel safe just where you are no matter what the day may brings. Today I am happy even if I don't belong anywhere in particular I am still here.