Sunday, February 26, 2017

Looking for my mother - All grown up

It is a friend of mine is having a birthday tomorrow someone I have known a long time and I was once very close to.  Maybe the closest thing to a mother I have had. Our relationship has been different now since I had to go out on my own and learn to heal myself. I couldn't act like the the person I was before because that person does not exist.  I did try for a while because I felt bad that I was losing another person who represented a milestone in my life.

When I entered the program I met a lot of people that were all suffering and going through some of worst times in their lives.  We were all babies in the program and children looking for a safe place to land and someone to comfort us instead of us being the comforters.

She did this for us she cooked and made all our favorite foods it seemed for me the way I imagined my own mother would have done if she had lived.  She was a mother to us an in turn we were obedient children and did what she told us to do. When she said show up we did.  I imagine this is what having a mother would also be like.

I think the way we depended on her made her feel she was needed. In my last relationship I played the same part she did.  I took care things and made sure everyone had what they needed and felt safe and secure when I was around. The very thing I was longing for.

I enjoyed this role for a long time but towards the end it felt forced and the people I did for took my presence for granted. No one ask me to do this it was what I needed. I was trying to feel the void that was left in me after my own mother died.  I was trying to heal that part of me that didn't feel safe.

I know now that no one can keep you safe even if you have the best mother in the world life isn't safe. Things happen and you have to find a way to dig deep down and trust that you are going to be alright. It is good to have friends that comfort you but in the end no one can fill that void but you.

If we are lucky we grow up and learn that we must save ourselves and find our own inner happiness. This wasn't easy for me because I believed I had something permanently missing from inside of me. Something I would never be able to heal I thought I was damaged goods.  This was the lie I told myself and it affected every choice I made.  All the time I had the power to heal myself.

I know now this was the path I had to take because I took it.  Every choice was right for me and my own growth.  I wasn't born lacking in any way and my spirit was trying to find its way back to the freedom I was born with. To live life un-afraid and willing to accept that life changes and people change and we can either adapt or live in constant fear of what is next.

Happy birthday to my friend and thank you for the years you took care of all of us. We are all grown now but we still love and respect you for all that you did for us so many years ago.












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