I saw an old friend in the nursery department at Lowes yesterday. He was polite but dismissive towards me I thought "I am dead to him". We have a lot of history between us over a mutual friend I have written about here before. In his relationships you are either in or out and there is nothing in between. He severs people and I have been severed.
This encounter is a juicy tidbit for my mind to start analyzing the past and how I went from a rich full life (from the outside) to a place of isolation and being cut off from people who use to act like they loved me. It has almost been a decade since my break from my old life and I am just now willing to commit to taking care of plants so it is no wonder that I haven't made strides to reconnect to people.
I wonder why. On my worst days I blame myself and think "why couldn't I just move on" but I had a spiritual break and by the time I recovered everyone had moved on including me. Frankly I lost the desire to conform to what is considered normal social interactions. I don't belong to anything or anyone so this just leaves me here on my own wondering what I should do next.
I could change and I probably will eventually but not having any obligations except work feels pretty good most time especially compared to the life I had before where I felt drained and running all the time. I said yes to everything because "why not?" I wasn't sure what I really wanted so I should just go along with what or who was in front of me.
On my worst days I feel I am running out of time and that I have wasted a decade being sad and have ended up alone with not much direction. On my best days I realize that I am just a person experiencing a life today and it is a pretty good one. No it didn't turn out like I thought it would but I am healthy and have a job that I love most of the time. I have a few close friends and a family that would at least show up at my funeral.
Why do I think there is a bigger life out there that I am missing. Thinking this makes me discontent with the day I have right here in front of me and I end up spending it in my head and ultimately wasting it.
I can't changed the past and really I wouldn't at this point if I could. My spiritual death and re-birth taught a lot and I am awake in my life where before I was just running and filling the empty moments with anything that crossed my path.
Even though I am dead to some people I am more alive than I have ever been. I love those people that were with me before and I wish them all well even the ones that hurt me the most. This post has brought some welcome tears I can acknowledge what has been lost and forgive myself for just being human. I can let go of the thoughts that I am not enough and celebrate the peace that I have found.