Someone has to leave - Embracing Sadness - Grief

I was watching TV and heard the owls calling back and forth and decided to go out on the porch to listen. They called back and forth a few times and then one called out and the other one didn't. It made me think of relationships and how they sometimes just stop and one person calls out and the other one doesn't answer and it is over.

I have been in a spot of grieving for whatever reason. It is good sometimes to stop and grieve but most of the time life really doesn't give you that luxury.  I passed the man who lost his wife a few weeks ago in the hall and said hello. He smiled as he always does trying to appear like his life wasn't in shambles.

We all do this we run from grief and bury ourselves in the next thing. It makes other people more comfortable than showing them we are not alright. No one wants to know you feel sick and that you can't imagine waking up another day with yourself.  

We are no match for grief you can run fast and hard but not forever. Someone I knew told her husband that I should just get over my grief when I lost the life I thought I would have. He left her the following year and I am sure she understands better now. It is hard to lose it all at once just like death you are left with a shell of of life. You are starting from scratch. 

I know death is worse than the ending of a relationship but is it? How do wrap your head around someone choosing a life without you. Deciding that no matter what you gave to the relationship it wasn't enough and you weren't enough. How do you decide that you are enough when clearly you weren't. I do think if I had made different choices then maybe I wouldn't be alone now. 

It has been along time since my breakup and it seems ridiculous that I still have grieving to do. I think the last year coupled with the pandemic being over has made really think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Maybe triggered by recent funerals. 

I can't change the past and the decisions I made or decisions other people made that affected me. I think it is okay to grieve from time to time. I imagined a different life for myself but I have to work with what I have. I don't regret anything at this point but as time goes on I want to find happiness for myself.

I went for a check up today and discussed my recent sadness.  My doctor suggested trying hormones and I agreed. I will never be as sad as I was before and I compare any depression to that now and it isn't even close. Some grief and sadness from time to time is normal if you are not staying so busy you just push it down. It will bubble up in anger or sickness so it is best to just let it out.

I am not afraid of sadness anymore because I have been there and come back.  I can face it without fear and know that it will pass and if I embrace it it will pass quickly. I am going to be kind to myself instead focusing on making it go away.  

Child's Perspective - Past Revisited

I was watching "Field of Dreams" last night.  I can't seem to pass it up when I am surfing the channels and see it there.  I always cry at the end when he plays catch with his dad.  They parted ways early in life and he has the opportunity to see his dad a younger man with hopes and dreams like himself.  I always think wouldn't that be great to have a do over with my own dad.

My dad has been gone more than a decade now and wasn't the kind of person that thought too much about the feelings of other people.  He was a kind man and willing to do just about anything anyone ask him to do without complaint.  He rarely got mad unless you did something that he thought wasn't godly or if you said you didn't want to go to church. He never disciplined us and left that to my mother.

I woke up this morning a little sad and thinking a little too much about my life. Wishing that my life had turned out differently.  After my mother died I never like I belonged anywhere.  When my dad remarried I had to earn my right to be there and ended up like Cinderella with a string of chores that had to be done including babysitting my little sister full time so my stepmother could be free to do what she wanted.  I took this idea of earning my place in every relationship since then. This is why I am so successful in work.

With my dad I always wanted him to show me that I was important to him. He never called me and when I called him once a year for his birthday he would put me on hold several times when the call waiting clicked. He never ask me about my life or even where I was living.  Ironically have I repeated this same relationship over and over in my life. Even with my past friendships they have been with people that if I disappeared it would never occur to anyone to call me and find out what is going on.

I feel really good most days now and very autonomous.  I am spending time with people who seem to want me around and the give and take is more equal. I am a strong person but I don't want to be the only person keeping a relationship going anymore.  I am willing to let the people go in my life that really are only interested in what I can do for them.

I can see that I have have spent my life trying to get over the past.  I can also see that I did this from a child's point of view.  I was wounded and just wanting to feel like someone cared about me. My story has dominated my life and kept me from reaching out. Life goes on and people are busy with their own stories and do not have time to think about me.  I am grown up now and I am reaching out. 

I am taking a vacation at the end of the month.  I am going to visit a friend from childhood.  We reconnected after her mother's death a few years ago and talk every week on the phone.  I am also going to stay a few days with dad's sister.  Over the years she has kept in contact with me.  My cousins live in the same area and I am going to see if they would like to get together.

Part of me feels this reaching out is too late but if I am rejected then I am no worse off than I was before.  I know that my life is the way it is because I was lost in my own pain and stayed busy to avoid facing the feelings I had of not being worthy of love.  Really because I didn't love myself. 

I also know that I am like my own dad in a lot of ways happy to do the next thing and not thinking too much about the feelings of others just getting the job done.

My dad's family keep to themselves.  Not like my mother's family with drama after drama.  They are quiet and autonomous never complaining never asking for help.  I am like them good sturdy genes staying away from drama of any kind. I hope this will be a good visit I really need to get away and looking forward to it. 

You are dead to me - Severed relationships - Peace

I saw an old friend in the nursery department at Lowes yesterday.  He was polite but dismissive towards me I thought "I am dead to him".  We have a lot of history between us over a mutual friend I have written about here before. In his relationships you are either in or out and there is nothing in between. He severs people and I have been severed.

This encounter is a juicy tidbit for my mind to start analyzing the past and how I went from a rich full life (from the outside)  to a place of isolation and being cut off from people who use to act like they loved me. It has almost been a decade since my break from my old life and I am just now willing to commit to taking care of plants so it is no wonder that I haven't made strides to reconnect to people.

I wonder why.  On my worst days I blame myself and think "why couldn't I just move on" but I had a spiritual break and by the time I recovered everyone had moved on including me.  Frankly I lost the desire to conform to what is considered normal social interactions. I don't belong to anything or anyone so this just leaves me here on my own wondering what I should do next.

I could change and I probably will eventually but not having any obligations except work feels pretty good most time especially compared to the life I had before where I felt drained and running all the time. I said yes to everything because "why not?" I wasn't sure what I really wanted so I should just go along with what or who was in front of me.

On my worst days I feel I am running out of time and that I have wasted a decade being sad and have ended up alone with not much direction.  On my best days I realize that I am just a person experiencing a life today and it is a pretty good one.  No it didn't turn out like I thought it would but I am healthy and have a job that I love most of the time.  I have a few close friends and a family that would at least show up at my funeral.

Why do I think there is a bigger life out there that I am missing.  Thinking this makes me discontent with the day I have right here in front of me and I end up spending it in my head and ultimately wasting it.

I can't changed the past and really I wouldn't at this point if I could. My spiritual death and re-birth taught a lot and I am awake in my life where before I was just running and filling the empty moments with anything that crossed my path.

Even though I am dead to some people I am more alive than I have ever been.  I love those people that were with me before and I wish them all well even the ones that hurt me the most.  This post has brought some welcome tears I can acknowledge what has been lost and forgive myself for just being human.  I can let go of the thoughts that I am not enough and celebrate the peace that I have found.

No longer afraid

It has been 10 years since my life was turned upside down and I lost the person I use to be.  It is not like life didn't go on and I haven't accomplished a lot of things. Losing the life you thought you were going to have is hard to get over.  It took 13 years to create that life and for me to feel like I could actually trust that the relationship would last.

Merging with another person is a gradual at least on an emotional basis years of interaction. I have to admit there was a lot unsaid. When you live with another person for that long time you tend to take for granted that you know what the person is thinking especially when there isn't any visible conflict.

In my case it wasn't from lack of trying and for many years I was mining for feedback. Hoping for one nugget of actual honesty or emotion would show itself. I eventually gave up because this need for truth was interpreted as emotional assaults and I never wanted to be the person that hurt someone like that so I retreated.

I got my emotional eruption when I was told "I don't love you anymore and I am in love with someone else".  Ironically almost the same words my husband said to me when he left.

In the past this is where I got stuck thinking I should have been different. If only I had been more something I wouldn't have suffered so much. Someone once told me my picker is broken. I don't really believe that.  You pick the person right for you where you are in that moment. Sometimes  you grow and change together and sometimes you don't.

February is a month of anniversaries and birthdays linked to people I don't know anymore. My mother also died the day after Valentines.  Together these things make me at least think about my life and my choices.  I don't really feel any deep regrets and I probably wouldn't change much about my life experience.

The above statement isn't true. I would change a lot about the past but mostly about myself. The person I am today would not accept the lack emotional intimacy that my younger self accepted. I gave willing until there was nothing left hoping for just a little emotional consideration.  I was loved and treated well but never let in and therefore I felt alone.  They were both shut down and so was I to a point this was why we were a good match at the time.

I heard yesterday from a speaker.  Those who are spiritual seekers get left because we are always trying to be better and we are never enough for ourselves and this is reflected back to us as never being enough for someone else.

I know that sound harsh but there is truth in that statement. I have spent 10 years getting to know and love the person that I am today. Forgiving myself for being human and for once in my life not sweeping the trauma I was feeling under the carpet.  I looked at all that I was and saw how I had done best and what has happen to me is just life.

Today I maybe alone but I feel whole and happy.  The love I have for myself isn't dependant on whether other people love me.  I don't intend to be alone forever and I now feel strong enough to just live and be happy without judging myself and my progress.  I have gathered the best parts of myself and I am making plans. I am no longer afraid to be who I am.

Just a dream - Facing the anniversaries of my life

I have been off - line this week evidently my cable modem needed to be replaced to enable me to have a higher and faster life. I remedied the situation yesterday and went to the big box electronic store and bought a sensible modem.

I am against the invasion of electronics into every minute of our lives. I do love accessing a wealth of information when I want it but I don't like being assessable to anyone anytime. This does hurt my bottom line at work sometimes but I am willing to make the sacrifice.

While I was in the store yesterday I felt like I was on another planet. I thought I am old but I know even when I was younger I was resistant to whatever everyone else was doing. A rebel at heart I like life on my terms and have always gone against the norm it has been part of my identity.

The update for this missed week is that I had record sales last month and worked about 12 days in a row which I am going to try to avoid doing again anytime soon. I also had a few personal anniversaries from the past to deal with.

I wrote a post that couldn't be posted since I was off line at home and too busy or not that motivated to post from work. I would have been married 31 years. Why do we do that? Why do we long for what might have been and waste our nows on these dreams. A side note my ex put the wrong marriage date on our divorce papers so I am sure this date doesn't come up for him.

The reality is that relationships don't end because they are healthy and happy. Mine was emotionally abusive and living with someone drinking and cheating and blaming me for everything and was never going be a dream a nightmare for sure. My self esteem was so low living isolated with this person.

I found new love that worked for a long time. It did end but it was never abusive it ended because we both had changed. There was cheating involved but that was a symptom of something else a catalyst to give one of us the courage to change our minds about being together. I hold no resentments now and I am really grateful at this point. THIS TOOK A LONG TIME.

To embellish the sadness this I watched the last episode of Parenthood. Big family messed up but they held it together and had each other. That is a life I will never have. This does get to me sometimes I am human sometimes.

When my marriage ended and I was thirty there was still a chance of children and the family. I made a conscious decision to not take that route. I knew it would be a push to meet the right person and get things started. I wanted to choose someone for the right reasons.

I was tired and I didn't want to make another plan. I just wanted to let go and see what happened next with out expectations. I met someone three years later who loved me and love me well that was enough for me and I was content with my life. It was 10,000 times better than what I had experienced before.

So here I am alone again and six years have passed since that relationship ended. I am happier than I have ever been before. I am a whole person for the first time and not looking for something outside myself to solve my pain.

I want another relationship but I know that it won't complete me I don't need to be completed. It would enhance my life and make me a little less selfish but it isn't a solution. I have spent 23 years in committed relationships or at least I was committed and I know that alone or with someone else life is the same with one you just have a little more time for yourself.

I expect that I will find love again and I do expect that stories about big happy families will always make me feel a little sad around my would be anniversary. The dream of what could have been, lets face it, is just that a dream.

My life knows I am making changes - Fears

I think my life knows I am about to make some changes.  First some old fears have started filtering through and I find the critic in my head getting louder.  I also have been doing some reminiscing about the past and one relationship in particular.

It all started when the receptionist at work broke up with her boyfriend. She is 19 and they have know each other for six months and this is their fourth breakup.  He told her she was too mature for him and that he had some catching up to do. He also told her that she knows him better than he does himself.

This sounds like a load of crap to me the "your too good for me I don't deserve you". Mind games this is what I thought.  I feel bad for her her mother is bipolar and she has all the signs of a full fledged Al-Anon. She does everything perfectly and she takes everything very serious.

Tonight I was thinking about her and all she will have to learn about herself. I was thinking about my own lessons in love and how many times I fell for what felt familiar instead of what was good for me. I was thinking about one person in particular.

After my 13 year relationship ended I met someone almost immediately. I didn't really notice at first we were going to the same social gatherings and then we started going to lunch once a week and then I started having feelings. I dismissed it because I was a wreck and all my feelings were all over the place. Then I found out the feelings were mutual. The problem was they were not available.

The person has been in AA for 20+ years. The whole thing felt really familiar like when I was with my husband. It felt really good and the drama of the (not available) just added more fuel to the flame. I felt so alive and I also thought somehow if it worked out I could totally avoid the grief of my other relationship ending.

I tell this story tonight because while I was thinking about this particular relationship I got a text. It has been few years since our last contact and six since our initial meeting. It was a fishing text asking about my working and saying "I was thinking about you".

They are available now but I don't think I am.  The drama and excitement of our time together even though nothing happen was like a drug for me. But it got messy because once I put my heart out on the table they started calling the shots. Making all the rules about how when we would see each other. This also felt familiar one person calling the shots.  This in not a relationship this is a dictatorship.

At that point I turned from a happy person in love to a raging lunatic. I was then shut down and offered friendship on the condition that we pretend we never had those feelings and that we never speak of it again. This made me madder than I have been since I was married to my husband when he was drinking.

My opinion didn't matter my needs were always secondary to his needs.  To experience the highs of the relationship meant you had to experience the lows and then in the end it was mostly just lows. What I do know now it that I won't be texting back because I the person I was then doesn't exist anymore.

My life knows that I am making changes and is using my past to test this new found determination. Can I move forward with all the doubts and criticisms I have about myself? Can I be distracted by the glow of another person that once had such power over me?  Can I resist the chance to maybe feel those intense feelings I felt back then?  Tonight the answer is definitely yes.
 

Voyeur - Who is making the decisions?

My job gives me the opportunity to look into the lives of people when they are making decision about money.  The dynamics of couples can be so different either they share the decisions equally or sometimes one person pretends to let the other person have their way until the last minute and sometimes it is clear from the beginning who is in control.

I have to admit that often it is during these moments that I am happy to not be in a relationship. In my own marriage before the program I was secretly the dictator (maybe not so secretly). I thought I made better decision and it was my responsibility whip my husband into shape or as I would like to say have him meet his potential.

To me he was always a work in progress.  I can see the arrogance in that now.  In my defense I thought that was what a good wife would do for her husband.  I could see so clearly where he was going wrong and I was more than willing to point him in the right direction. This kept me from looking at myself.

I learned early in my life how to manage people and then I made a career of it quite literally. I was really good at it and it never occurred to me that it was manipulation and not everyone wanted to be managed. It was just a survival technique that I thought was an asset even after I didn't need it anymore.

What I didn't know about manipulating or managing people was that it takes a lot out of you.  When things go right you are on top of the world and when they go wrong you feel somehow responsible. It is a false sense of power that increases with every success but when you fail you can end up in the pits.

I lost and gained everything when my marriage ended. I had to start to see my part in this sad story. My controlling ways didn't cause the marriage to end but it didn't help either.

I did love again and it gave me the chance to be a different person. To treat my partner as an equal it was good for more than a decade and I learned a lot.  It did end but only after it had run its course. We both wanted more I just wasn't the one who made the break.

I don't think at this point that being in a relationship is better or worse than being alone. It has been for me about the same.  I was depressed for a long time but that didn't have anything to do with the breakup. It had to do with coming to terms with the fact no one was going to rescue me from my fears. In my case it was the fear of not being enough and being rejected brought that to the surface. I had to see that even with nobody I was enough.

I am sure I will love again if the right person comes along.  I think for the first time in my life I wouldn't be bringing much baggage along and I am not interested managing anyone.  I also not interested in being managed. I hope that that kind of relationship exist.  For now I will just be a voyeur in the lives of others.

Relationships - It can get messy

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My friend is leaving today and going back home to her husband.  They left on not so great terms. He is very emotional and she is very controlled emotionally. He tries to provoke her into professing her love by having emotional out bursts and saying that she doesn't love him. This of course locks her emotions down even further.

I was in my counseling mode this morning before I left for work. I was trying to tell her not to make any final decisions right now about the relationship. She has just lost her father and this week has been full of emotional  family issues of the past. He is feeling left out and feels she doesn't need him.

I realized on my way to work this morning that I was pretty upset about the finality of her words. Why? I realized that it reminded me of all the relationships I have been in that ended. They were the same in that decisions about the relationship were made without my input. I was told " I love someone else and this relationship is over."  I was shut down along with my emotions. I was left to deal with the fall out along.

I was feeling for her husband today. He has been home all week and they have not talked and now she is coming home.  He has been alone with this all week while she has been here with a non stop schedule.  She told him she would get a cab home.

I know no matter what I say her mind is made up. It feels like a total lack of compassion for what another person is feeling. Relationships are messy and in my experience both people are rarely in the same place emotionally at the the same time. It takes commitment to work through things and even some times that isn't enough.

We all see the people in our lives the way we want to see them not necessarily the way they really are so everyone should be who they want to be and let the chips fall where they may. It isn't fair to have your feelings dismissed but that is part of they way some people deal with emotions.

For me every relationship has been more mature than the last and I don't feel the need to assign blame anymore. I hope my next relationship will be with someone willing to talk things through before they decide it is over.

Can a leopard change it spots? - Harmony

We have had situation come up where someone we work with has betrayed our trust.

We have known him a really long time and our company had stopped using him because he has an ego the size of Texas and if he has a mind to he will throw you under the bus in a heart beat. All is fair in love and making a buck.

Why would we start up with him. He has a good product and is close by and with the past 12 months being so bad it seemed like a good idea to mend that fence. He was really humble at that point but now that business is better he is feeling a little more like his old self.

I was tossing and turning over the situation last night. I had a meeting with him this morning on a job we previously committed to and was planning to bring up the issue. He doesn't know that we know. It didn't happen which is just as well I think I need more time to meditate on this problem.

In my angst last night I pulled out my Angel cards and the first card was Harmony. The passage was try to see a troubled situation from a higher place. I thought I am really PO'd and not feeling too high minded at this point.

During my all night reflection I woke up with two thoughts about the situation. First I can't really let it go because that is too much like all the years of being silent in my relationships. Accepting unacceptable behavior. I can say it without being mean, I can be truthful that if he doesn't own up to what is going then it will affect our relationship. That will be the consequences of breaching our trust.

The second thought is that I believe that everything comes back that you put out. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You could call it karma. It isn't my place to pass judgement only to address how it affect me. If I accept unacceptable behavior then that is my decision.

Is it possible for a leopard to change his spots? I think it is I have changed mine many times. I also think our core characteristics regularly pull us back to, in some cases, not so great behavior. That is why we continue to take personal inventory to make sure we don't go back to where we started.

Extremes = Love and Marriage

I wasn't going to write about love for Valentines but it seems I can't help myself. In my marriage we were very big on all the sentiment around holidays, birthdays and especially Valentines Day, our first date. I got flowers and cards all year round and I thought I was the luckiest woman alive. Of course I reciprocated with my own cards balloons and notes in the lunch box how romantic.

When the relationship went south and another woman entered the picture he continued the practice of sending me flowers and even gifts. I would occasionally come out to my car and find a note asking me to meet him for drinks. This caused me great distress at the time because I confused the sentiment with love. The big splash for the real thing. This continued up until the their wedding.

What I realized is that these acts didn't mean anything except some sort of restitution for being a schmuck at the time. Really just to make himself feel better I guess. I am not saying they were not done with sincerity because in the moment, they were done, I am sure he was very sincere. Flowers can cover a multitude of sins but not the fact you are about to marry someone else.

In my last relationship I didn't want any of that no big declarations of love or any sentiment at all and that's what I got. I was happy not to have grand gestures of love I wanted quiet behind the scenes commitment and follow through. Security that all those grand gestures never gave me. Living with the effects of alcoholism required grand gestures to cover up the real crap that was going on.

Ironically when the last relationship ended it ended without a bang. Just as it began we never really had an anniversary or celebrated much of anything. Never really any emotional ups and downs. There was another woman but that really wasn't the reason. It was because I picked someone so opposite of what I had known with my husband without really thinking it through. It was love for sure but without the emotions it ultimately fizzled out.

Extremes that is where I always go with just about anything. All or nothing and it is hard for me to admit that even now. I do come back to the middle eventually because it is there I find peace. Even if it took a decade to realize maybe I didn't need to go to that extreme. I can accept that this was my own doing and the relationship was part of my own learning process and I did learn a lot about what doesn't work for me.

So I am back to the middle now and looking for someone that will celebrate Valentines with me but won't send me flowers while there seeing someone else. I don't need the emotional excitement of the active alcoholics life anymore or someone who can't express emotions at all.

I do believe you attract your emotional equal and that is also hard to admit. I was shutdown emotionally after my marriage ended and was happy to be with someone equally shutdown. But over time I changed and really did want more. I needed to get out but I am loyal to the death. God did for me what I couldn't do for myself as usual.

Loving oneself can be truly the greatest love of all. Happy Valentines Day.

Catch and Release - I don't want to let go

I had a lot on my mind last night after watching Catch and Release and older movie with Jennifer Garner. Her fiance dies before the wedding and she finds out how little she knew him. He had a child with someone he met during the relationship. I also watched Premonition. Sandra Bullock having visions of the death of her husband who she finds out is about to have an affair. She is deciding whether to try to stop his death or just let nature take it's course.

It made me think how you really don't know people. It could also be betrayal and loss. I was already feeling lonely last night with yet another February date from past coming up for me.

Yesterday was my ex-husbands birthday. I had forgotten until I was cleaning up my home office and found a bunch pictures. The pictures were mostly of me but he was included in a few. Then I realized it was his birthday. I wallowed in my sentiment and looked him up on facebook. He has almost 400 friends. I clearly was on a slippery slope with that move but I resisted the urge to send him a birthday message. I am over it today thank goodness.

This time of year tends to put my in a review of my life place. I am alone now and know that it is not a permanent state for me, but it feels like one. I have had two decade plus relationships which were mostly successful even if they ended. They taught me a lot about myself. What I want and what I don't want in a partner.

My choices brought me where I am today and when I am lonely I can't help but think what if we had had children? Would we have stayed together? Would my life at least feel fuller than it does now? But it wasn't meant to be and the kids could have ended up with drug and alcohol problems.

After watching the movies I thought about the title catch and release title. Isn't that what relationships tend to be. You meet spend time together and ultimately you have to let them go. That first phase isn't permanent and even if you stay together you can's sustain that level unless both people want it. It isn't enough to just exist in the same house at least that is my experience. Active participation from both parties can fill gaps where love isn't enough. At least this is what I hope.

I also know we are always changing and sometimes it isn't possible to stay together. I always believed my relationships were permenant. There in lies the problem my thinking anything is really permanent. I think about myself and how much I have changed this past year and even I can't keep up with myself so how could anyone else keep up with me.

I can't help but ask myself how did I end up here? My choices in mates my attraction to those that don't communicate, until it is too late. In the words of Byron Katey turn that around. Maybe I don't communicate. I don't always know my feelings, until it is too late. I can get lost in the busy part of life and miss things. Miss sign post clearly telling me to pay attention. I like being busy it keeps me from evaluating where I am emotionally and spiritually and when your in a relationship that isn't working that comes in handy.

It is a full time job to not fall back into my natural state of busy, busy, busy or run, run, run. When I meditate and pray it feels like the most un-natural state for me. Sitting still without thinking is next to impossible but I can manage it from time to time. Lately I can feel myself getting to a place of peace more quickly accepting that this is my life and leaning into it for once.

I can accept lonely for now. I can recognize that this is where I am for the moment or I can run out and try to fill the void with busy. I know how that turns out so I am trying to get comfortable being on my own and loving and taking care of myself even if it feels uncomfortable. Practice makes perfect, right?

I am not sad today and I am in the office. I spent the morning with some really great people who are going to be great customers. This is what I love about my work. I meet people take their vision and transform it into real life. What's better than that? I am in a place of acceptance and that always brings happiness.

The waters of change

I once had a boss tell me that to me everybody has to paddle their own canoe. He was a egomaniac and eventually fired me. But his words were true nevertheless.

I started a post about what is going on at work last night but felt like I needed more time to process the spiritual aspect of the situation. I woke up this morning feeling really good and thought I was ready to put my thoughts in order.

You see when you are on a spiritual path and you are committed to growth however painful it might be, you will be transformed. The awkwardness of changing is beyond your control. First you don't fit where you use to fit and you haven't figured out where you do fit and like the first day of school this is not fun.

This is evident in my life right now. I went to a gathering that included a lot of friends last night. I felt like I didn't really belong there. In fact I got up from the table and someone moved my chair away from the table and put it a single small table away from the big table. It wasn't intentional but I took it as a spiritual sign that this was not my life anymore.

A spiritual path is a personal journey and a lot of it has to be taken alone. In the program and in life everyone has to find what they are looking for and you can only go so far together. You can be there to support one another but the really hard stuff can take you to places that no one but you can go.

I have realized for myself that filling my time even helping others on their journey actually was a way I was avoiding those places. Once I realized that and became willing to face whatever demon I thought was out there, the pain passed quickly. I didn't want to see my own avoidance at first because I wasn't ready, all in God's time I know.

God has seen fit to transform me once again like it or not. Actually I do like it once it is over but it is never really over. If I can get through the fear and trust that if I let go I will be taken care of I can make it. Sometimes I feel that I am hanging by my finger tips on a window ledge and I am terrified only to find out when I finally let go I am on the first floor. The lesson, let go sooner.

The steps are sign post for me and although I don't acknowledge them by number they are like breathing to me. I feel stronger than I ever have in my life and I have finally become enough for me. I thought it was that I wasn't enough for other people but really I wasn't enough for me. It is simple but complicated to figure that out.

I knew it in my mind that I was enough but the child within didn't really believe it. I never let anyone disrespect me but I also needed to be needed in the worst way. I wanted to be loved by others so I knew I was lovable. It is a trap because when they walk away you panic and they take your security with them. The doubts reappear. What I learned this time is people walk away for their own reasons. It is not about what I did or didn't do they changed or I changed and it is no longer a good fit.

I also recognized that sometimes in order to have the courage to break away from a relationship someone has to be at fault. A case has to built against the other person first to propel the separation. The grievances can have some validity but mostly they are BS and would be overlooked if you didn't want out. We change and sometimes a relationship can't adapt or maybe one person wants it to stay the same and it is too late.

It would be nice if we could just sit down and say lets decide whether our relationship is working or not and if it isn't, is it important enough to either one of us to fix it or not? But that would require facing the awkward uncomfortable possibility that no one wants to face, it is not that important anymore. We come to the same conclusion eventually after a roller coaster of emotions have passed first.

I am all over the place with this post and ultimately have come to the conclusion that its all OK. Changing is painful and staying the same is painful because those that are changing are moving on. Can I stop trying to keep things the same? Can I let go an know that it is a part of a greater plan? Everyone has their own canoe to paddle and I can wave to them but I can't paddle it for them. They have to do that for themselves and so do I.

Love Fest - Being Enough

So I have just returned from a love fest next door. The two dogs I am taking care of, in my neighbors absence, decided that tonight they were initiating me into the family and proceeded to lick me simultaneously while I sat in one of the three easy boy chairs in the living room (no couch).

I might have mentioned before one is a German Shepard named Willow that was rescued from and abusive home and is skiddish. That is actually an understatement, while she was drinking water in the kitchen she would come out periodically to check to see if I was still sitting in the chair. She then felt secure enough to drink and repeat the whole process. She has been on many hunger strikes in the absence of her usual pack. The other dog is your average I like anybody dog. I felt very honored to get such affection from a usually distant dog.

The last sentence speaks volumes about who I am at the core. Dogs or humans gaining the trust of those that don't trust easily, makes me feel special. I can admit that only after spending a lifetime choosing this type of relationship. Maybe it is just a mirror of myself the wounded part or maybe it is enough to go where no one has gone before. I have found it is a trap for me and once I am in I can't get out. My issues with loyalty and abandonment would never hurt someone the way I have been hurt.

I never leave even if the red lights are flashing and sirens are going off it isn't enough. I am loyal to the death in my case a spiritual death. When I find myself there I look in the mirror and see a complete stranger. I can remember my first counselor telling me she thought I would have eventually left my husband, she was wrong. I would have remained a zombie waiting for something to change.

Luckily for me those that let you in can shut the door a lot more quickly than it opened and once shut it is over. I have stood there outside that door more times than I want to admit, thinking of ways to get back in. Obessing really, let me get my list out.

I am making light of a life long reoccurring nightmare and I can do that because I finally get it. I like the challenge earning that trust and feeling special being on the inside but in the end everyone has to save themselves. I was never willing to save myself. I thought it was more important to save the other person. Here in lies the problem, who is going to save me?

My sponsor always said my picker was broken and she was right. It all comes down to still looking outside myself for validation and to feel like I was enough. Being enough for myself, I can make better choices in relationships.

Tonight I know I am special because I am loved by the 100 lb German Shepard next door and I am enough.

I Can Run

Just getting off the treadmill my friend gave me a couple of weeks ago. She is very generous to give it to me. I have a gym membership until the end of the year but I really only like to run. It will be great to be able to run at home.

I think it is funny that I have started running the past couple of years because I always claimed that I hated running. I have always fallen for runners, literally an figuratively and would never join them willingly when they ran.

When I first met my husband he was 22 and 6'4" and weighed 165 lbs. He always said he was built for speed and he could run like the wind. I of course at 5'2" was not built for speed and always felt inferior in many ways to him. He always wanted me to run with him and I couldn't keep up, I finally started riding my bike while he ran. This was early in our relationship when we still thought we should spend every minute together.

I think the reason I claimed to hate running was it seemed more important than me. It was immature of me, but my feelings were just a symptom of what was really going on. I felt left out and was trying to manipulate the situation which ended up putting more distance between us. In the end I was right they were running away.

It has taken me time and distance to accept that communication is hard even with someone you love. How is it that you start out in love and it feels like nothing can ever come between you and then one day you wake up with a stranger? How do you keep that from happening?

I had resentments about running and rebelled by not running. So I have to admit now that I do like to run. I will never run like the wind but I can crank up the music and get those endorfins flowing.

I feel strong tonignt physically and emotionally. I can let go of those resentments and the runners that go with them. They can just keep running.

Men on the Roof - Pay now or pay later

It is noisy today I am getting a new chimney because I have a leak. I hate spending money, I don't have, on something I will never see. I could ignore the a problem but it will catch up with me in the end.

I have done a lot of that in the past and this very thing came up in my writing yesterday. I was home doing chores and decided to do a little writing while having lunch on the porch. I am analytical to the bone and my writing strayed to why my relationships ended after so many years together, more 4th step work.

I was thinking that when a relationship last long enough that eventually something significant will happen that shakes the foundation of the relationship. The assigned roles change and it is whether both partners are committed enough and can adapt to the change that the relationship can survive.

In the case the first relationship it did not survive me losing my job. It was before the program and my identity was tied up in my job first and then my relationship. I went in to deep depression and ended up losing both. We were young and my husband couldn't cope without me not controlling every part of our lives. He retreated to alcohol and ultimately to another woman. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see what was happening.

By the time I got into the next relationship I had 3 years of Al-Anon under my belt and felt more balanced and then I lost my job (I now work for myself). I decided to change careers and went back to school. We had worked together and this was a big part of our relationship with my career change I was no longer a part of the corporate world. We drifted and when my in-laws moved to town we spent less and less time alone together. In the end we were strangers on my worse days I blame myself sometimes for not seeing this until it was too late.

I say all this because it helped me to see what was missing in those relationships and why not facing a situation head on is a pattern for me. I realize first that you can't be both sides of a relationship and you can't know what will happen to change the course of a relationship. So I am looking for a communicator that is committed to at least talking about problems. It is easier to just pretend it is not happening but in the end it is no less painful.

So just like the leaky chimney I could have waited and had it patched, but sooner or later I would have to address the problem and it would only get worse. So I opted to take care of it now so I can stay dry.

Steps of Love

When I was four we lived in small house in downtown Atlanta. The house sat on top of a hill and my parents parked their cars at the bottom of the hill on the street. There were 22 steps from the bottom of the hill to the house I know this because I loved to count them. When I would fall asleep on the drive home my dad would carry me up all those stairs and I have to admit that sometimes I would just pretend to be asleep when I wanted to be carried. Looking back I realize that he did this out of love especially when he knew I was playing possum. (this is what he would say)

He is gone now and our relationship changed after my mother died. I would describe him as a kind patient man and a loyal partner. He loved to share the message of god's love to anyone willing to listen and sometimes even when they were not. He had the mind of an engineer and loved to talk. He never met a stranger and was there for anyone that asked.

All that being said he wasn’t able to connect emotionally with me and I interpreted that as something wrong with me. I have repeated my relationship with my dad in my personal life more than once seeking out people that were unable to connect emotionally. I can see now is that those relationships felt like home to me.

With time I have also realized that the same man that was willing to carry me up 22 steps when I was four was there all along. He didn’t know how to show his emotions and I needed that after my mother died. Now I feel I can let that go and be in a place of acceptance. He loved me and I loved him and remembering this has helped to heal the final traces of resentment I have had.

Sometimes I don’t like where I am so I have to go some place else.

I took a break from writing for a couple of weeks because I was heavily involved in some on-line games. It started out pretty innocent and then morphed into a compulsive obsession pretty quick. I have since reached the peak of saturation and I have started to come down from the high and I now am bored with the whole thing.

Today I took a little break from my day and ate lunch in my car. I started thinking about where I am right now emotionally. The obsessive compulsive part of my personality has brought me to where I am today. This is something I have accused various people of through out my life after I was ignored and ditched for more interesting things.

This is hard for me to admit and part of my own Fourth Step. I have ignored the people I love from time to time while I was engrossed in the latest obsession. Usually the relationship is the obsession and just as I described the path of my latest obsession the relationships ended up the same way.

If my sponsor was here she would tell me not to be so hard on myself and she would be right. In ever relationship there are two people and both have to work together to maintain the relationship. I did my best and nothing can change to past.

Obsessions aren’t always bad and at times can give my psyche a well deserved break. It has been fun and I have returned refreshed and willing to move forward with some other more deserving obsessions in my life.