Rebuilding your life from scratch - Finding a way

I have so many drafts in my box for this blog it embarrasses me. I have been drifting in out of some low level of sadness.  Attending two funerals in the past two weeks is something to be sad about.  Neither person I was close to but I understand loss and how when the crowd disperses you are really left alone to rebuild your life from scratch.

The ministers words of treasures in the sky were meant to sooth the crowd but sounded pretty hollow to me.  Everyone means well but their is no soothing a father left with a daughter of sixteen. 

My sister was sixteen when my mother died and my dad had no skills for even taking care of himself let alone me and my sister. Back then women ran the household and the men deposited their checks and drove the family where ever they were going.

My mother had prepared us for her departure teaching us life skills so we would survive so  when the bills went past due for a couple of months my sister took over for my mother. When I looked at my co-worker's daughter sitting in his office this week she look like a baby. She is a star soft-ball player without a care in the world until last we when her mother was found in the shower.  They think from a brain clot.

On the other hand my uncles death was  not expected but predicted he has been sick for a lot of his adult life. He has left a legacy of addition with one daughter and her three daughters and their spouses left to manage everything. The preacher preached to them directly because they have all been in and out of jail and ending last week at the hospital with his daughter being escorted out after making a scene. 

Her own mother passed about ten years ago and now she will be left in charge of what was theirs. The service was strange and sterile and didn't convey the real character that my uncle was.  In his family the only introvert other than my grandfather who was a bootlegger in his 20's.

The rest of the family including my deceased aunt stuck to the straight and narrow for good reason I guess. My grandmother was the main bread winner and worked in a mill for 25 years to make sure the kids were fed. The church hadn't seen my uncle since his wife passed and with his daughter in charge of the funeral there was only one person that spoke followed by three country music songs.

I went because my dad's side of the family are really the most like me. They were neglected by us growing up because my mother's side of the family were all drinkers and always in crisis.  My mother the youngest took on the roll of crisis manager and we didn't have time for my dad's family. They were silent sufferers and would never ask for help.

My mind has been all over the place for awhile now looking for meaning of some kind. Today a friend came by and helped me to retrieve some pavers offered to me by my neighbor and we wore ourselves out moving them. This is what I need to distract myself but I did tweak my back. 

I am going to my other neighbors for dinner tonight.  I don't know her and the last time I was in her house I was in the middle of my breakdown and didn't make a good impression.  Since then her husband has passed and we will try again.  We do have a lot in common and she did invite me so I am keeping an open mind and hoping for the best.  

Enjoying spring - Wishing things were different

I have spent this we doing what I want to do which is plant and plant some more.  I have planted about 75 flowers in my front yard they don't look like much but, in about a month they will be spectacular.  I of course will be back in work mode and probably won't notice.

It feels great to be just doing what I want for a week.  I normally take my precious time off traveling to see my family who can hardly fit me into their busy schedules. My sisters kids are older now and sometimes they take some time with me and that feels good. 

In our family we are about getting things done. For my sister it is cerebral more than physical and for me it is both. It seesaws to the extreme one way or the other and I find physical jobs rewarding because you can really do both at the same time.  

Unfortunately as I get older and happier I feel less interested and making a trip in hopes that someone will spend a few hours with me. I think I have healed the hole in me that felt like I should belong somewhere with someone.  They are my family.

I have found that you can be in a crowd or in a relationship and feel completely alone so what is the difference. My friend from grammar school who I talk to once every couple of weeks ask me if I had spoken to anyone this week. This is her way of worrying about me and my solitude. I have always enjoyed my time alone but always felt guilty about not wanting to socialize. 

I have spoken to people this week in fact I went over to someone house and had dinner last night.  Someone from my early program years they were a big part of my thirties and it was a special time for all of us. Most of the core group has gone their separate ways but recently we have reconnected.  

If we continue to grow our parts don't fit together like they use to anymore. I have felt this through out my life but refused to acknowledge it. In every relationship things become routine and starts to feel forced. When I have tried to make it work and it doesn't it starts making me feel sick inside. Ultimately I am there in body only not wanting to be honest and just get out. 

I wonder why I am different than most who relish the bonds of a lifetime. Maybe I was made too independent with my mothers death. I knew I was on my own and that seemed natural. I learned to just get things done without counting on anyone else. 

The relationships I have had were only good if I fulfilled a long list of things that had to be done to make the other person happy. This was never two ways as long as I did everything right without expecting anything in return all was well. I eventually felt like what they really wanted was a servant. I did these things originally out of love but without appreciation or even acknowledgement it felt life a burden and resentment grew.

I have enjoyed this week so much and I think it is because it is without the guilt of feeling I should be different then I am. With the pandemic I have felt less guilty about enjoying my time alone. I am not asking myself why I am alone. 

I understand my family and I do wish they had more time for me but it has always been this way. I use to be a person that could pretend that things were different than they are but I had an awakening and you just can't go back. Accepting things as they are instead of the way you wish they were is spiritual maturity.  Besides I can be ignored during the holidays and the food will be better. 

  

Acceptance - Family - Beliefs - Making Peace

I have returned from a trip to see my family.  It was a little complicated with my niece house sitting in Charleston and my nephew driving my sister from the mountains to meet me there. Her kids don't think she is capable of driving by herself for four hours.  He brought the grand kids both under three and we watched them while he stayed in a hotel. This wasn't his idea but it worked out until he decided he didn't want to stay the three days as planned. 

I was proud of my sister for holding her ground and saying she was staying and he could drive back by himself with the kids. This solidified my own plans which was to drive her back home.  When first found out that he and the kids were coming I almost cancelled my trip all together. I knew that it would be all about watching the kids instead of a relaxing three days with my niece and my sister.  

My experience over the years with my sister and her family is that you are not factored into the equation ever. It you are visiting nothing is altered for your visit. You can't expect anything more than to just tag along to whatever is going on in their lives.  I might get lunch with my sister and a few dinners out. It was a nice surprise that my sister actually took the whole week off for the holiday. 

With this trip my niece originally wanted me to drive six hours pick up my sister and drive four hours spend three days in Charleston and drive four hours to take her home spend Thanksgiving and then drive another six hours home.  I did decline this plan since my sister is capable of driving four hours herself. This is before my nephew's wife went out of town and it was decided he couldn't be alone with the kids for three days.  Just writing this tires me out. 

The trip was an overall success. The three of us were exhausted running after two toddlers for almost three days.  They left me alone with them while they were napping only to have them both wake up at the same time with one extra poopy diaper. I texted them with an SOS since I didn't think I could watch him while changing the diaper in a stranger's house. 

I did get to bond with the kids and then after my nephew drove back home with them the three of us went for a walk on the beach and had dinner out together. My sister and I drove back together leaving my niece to finish her house sitting duties through the holiday. We were really able to catch up.

We got back Wednesday night and cooked the casseroles my niece had frozen in advance of her trip. We had dinner at my nephew's in-laws as they do every year with me taking the place of my niece at the table. It was nice really good food and I didn't cook any of it. 

I was also worried about the the political climate of my family all Trump supporters and think wearing masks is an attempt to be politically correct. No one wore mask there except in public places. I didn't fight it or say my peace.  I was exposed to them and the kids the first day so I figured it didn't matter. My sister and I had a few words over Obama when she said "he is showing his true colors now" I just gave her a look. She came and apologized and said she didn't mean to get so heated.  

One thing I have come to understand about my sister that even though she is very smart she doesn't like to go against the crowd. Before he beat Hillary we had a discussion where we both agreed that he was a sociopath and bad for the country. Now he is a god my brother-in-law said as I was leaving "when they overturn this election there will be riots in the streets."  

This has been the right choice for her and enabled her to stay close with our dad and his wife. With kids you need family and as much support as you can get.  I was never a good sheep and would never be able to just go along with what is popular with the crowd. I sacrificed having a family because I would never be able to keep my mouth shut. 

My sister loves me and worries about my salvation and fears that I might go to hell. I wonder how people that call themselves christian can support a man who clearly cares about nothing but himself. He definitely isn't following the idea "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I have found my own way and I don't feel I must win them over to my own beliefs anymore. I do have to prepare myself for our visits and this was the first time I don't need to recover from the trip. We have come to an understanding and she doesn't feel responsible for my salvation anymore. 

I have found peace with being alone and I have found peace with be an outsider with my family. With her kids grown now I have the opportunity to get to know them. My sister's life has not be easy and she kept a lot of things from me to protect her family. Similar to living with alcoholism when one person controls the whole family and you don't want anyone to know what is going on. 

We are survivors and have both done it on our own.  It makes me sad that we didn't feel we could be there for each other. I think we are beginning to know each other for the first time. She is four years older than me so we were never close as children. We are both tough and have found our own way through life and now that we are older we can relax an enjoy each other. 

Living in our own bubble - Compassion - Understanding

This last week has been difficult for me as I am sure it has been for everyone. We can't understand why the other side can't see just how wrong they are with the facts right in front of them. I have come to the conclusion that we spend most of our time in our on bubble. 

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal denomination where if you didn't belong to our denomination then you really weren't going to heaven. We didn't associate with people outside the church. As kids  we could play with the kids in our neighborhood but mostly not allowed to go into their houses. The street we lived on was built by our pastor so some of the people living there went to our church. 

My sister would baby sit sometimes for the people across the street and I remember one time watching out the window and seeing the husband passed out behind the wheel with the car door open.  I imagine this is what we were being protected from. 

It always bothered me that everyone else was going to hell that really didn't make total since to me. A lot of them seemed like perfectly nice people. My mother was strong and independent person and you didn't question what she told you. When we moved to the suburbs in 1966 she couldn't believe the women at our church didn't vote. She immediately started a women's political group at the church.

She was my Sunday school teacher and I remember her preparing for hours on Saturday before she taught her lesson. We read the Bible together at night together.  She was passionate about her beliefs and taught me and my sister to be independent thinkers. This worked and we clashed constantly. 

I am a detail person and very analytical and I needed things to make since to me. Some of the stories of the Bible didn't make since. I asked constant questions which really got on my parents nerves. I have never been a good sheep just going along with anyone selling anything. When l left home at 16 my daddy said " you will never make it because you don't respect authority." I knew he had no idea what I was capable of and I never looked back.

Just like my childhood today we all live in a bubble of our own making. We don't let any information that doesn't fit into our self created bubble because we want the lines to be clear and to think we are always right. It is easier and our brains are made to work this way. We live day to day without looking at what others are going through especially when it doesn't touch our lives.

We all do that or we couldn't survive the devastation we see on our screens. I remember as a child they showed the caskets of soldiers being unloaded every day on the news. This was so terrible to me it made me so sad. I couldn't understand why this was happening. The men had families just like mine what could be worth them dying for?

I was raised Republican and Reagan was the last republican I voted for. I was devastated by the way he ignored the AIDS epidemic and let so many die without so much as a word about it. This seems familiar to me now people thinking "it's not a part of my world so it doesn't matter to me." 

We all become isolated when we only live in our own bubble with people like ourselves. I work with people everyday that are genuinely nice intelligent people.  They are are happy and there bubble is pretty secure so they want to keep it that way. I get this and don't fault them for it because it is not my place to wake people up. 

I also know that people are mostly dug in and it is hard for them to go against their peers. It is easy not to questions what we think especially when we surround ourselves by people just like us. It isn't that easy to step away from the crowd. What if they reject me?  I will be alone and unloved.

It is true this can happen and it happened to me.  I wasn't willing to just believe those who were in authority. I had to do my own research and find my belief and God for myself. I don't regret leaving the flock but it has been lonely on my own.  I never quite fit in with believers or non-believers. 

It is good to feel certain you are right and you surely don't want anybody punching through your bubble. No one is right all the time and that it the way it is. I don't regret my upbringing because it made me strong and able to be an outsider. We were passionate in our beliefs which is important. 

Today I know I can find peace within whenever I want. I can trust that we can work this out eventually. Life goes on and we will turn this over to future generations and hope they will do better. I use my words when I can to make people think and have compassion for others and I have to exercise my own compassion for them. 

 

Take what you like and leave the rest - A God of my own understanding - surrender

I attended a memorial yesterday for someone younger than me.  This always gives you the chance to think about your own mortality and what will be said when you are gone. It is nice that everyone picks the best parts of the person that has moved on.  The version of the truth that will be what we will remember.

I remember my own father's service and how everyone that spoke said he was like a father to them. Ironically he wasn't like a father at all to me and I resented every good word spoken about him. I didn't feel like I meant anything to him or even anyone in my own family. The indifference my family had for me was all done by Christians. This made me reject my own childhood teachings.

I found God again when I got into Al-Anon I liked that the the statement "a God of your own understanding" and "take what you like and leave the rest".  These statements kept me coming back since in my heart I was angry at God. I could see how hypocritical it was for my family to be so active in the church yet not really care about one of their own family members. It felt like lip service to me.

I once said if my father was going to heaven I did not want to go. As I eased into Al-Anon I started to soften towards God. I was still a long ways away from even acknowledging Jesus as even existing as part of my past. The program is full people that have experienced the cruelty of religion and rejected by the people that were suppose to love them. 

My first experience with trusting God was after my husband left. I was not making enough money to support myself. Being new to the program and lived by every word - I read in the daily readers. I trusted that the God of my own understanding would get me through this devastation. I had lost my earthly god to alcoholism and I was and empty shell without the energy to do anything myself. 

I lived minute to minute in those days and unlike my former self I didn't make plans for the future. I was sad and exhausted and I surrendered to what ever came next. I had been beaten down by my situation and the fight in me had gone. 

During that time I experience many daily miracles. First the company I worked for decided to give my position a salary adjustment to bring it up to the same position in other companies.  Then I got a promotion to supervisor and these two things together gave a 30% raise. This never happens in corporate america. All the time I was barely able to get off the couch when I wasn't working. Now I had the income to pay my bills. With every miracle I became more grateful and started to heal. 

I didn't necessarily pray but I just turned everything over to whatever or whoever was out there running the show because I certainly couldn't do it anymore. When I did things got worse.

Where am I now? I believe that each of us has a divine center and depending on what has happened to us this divine center is either enhanced or distorted. We either shine our light upon other people or we are like a cloak of darkness putting out light wherever we go. We must look at how life has changed us and get rid of the lies we believe that are hurting us and the people we say we love. We can be free to love without pretending that the other person is or was perfect. We can stop feeling superior or inferior to the people around us and live in daily peace. 

Al-Anon taught me step by step how to live again. I loved that Al-Anon stressed anonymity not just because you needed to feel safe but because they didn't want your behavior to reflect badly on the group as a whole. This is what I was taught by my mother about being a true christian you won't need to tell people they will know by your actions. This is why I don't understand the hate going on in our own country and how churches can support it. Where is the love that Christ showed and taught during his time here. 

I have returned to my roots and my childhood teachings. I can now separate the weakness of the messengers without throwing out the message. If the words speak to me and I feel encouraged by the those words then I feel it is from the God. 

For me to forgive what my own family has done to me I have to know that they are imperfect just like me. I also have to forgive myself for believing what was said or in some cases not said. I never felt loved after the death of my mother. I chose people in my life that couldn't love me because I didn't feel I was lovable or deserved to loved. If my own family rejected me I must not be worth loving.

Over the years I have come to terms with those feelings and do now realize I am a child of God and therefore lovable. I can forgive the people in my past and I show myself the love I deserve whether I feel it from those around me or not. I am a whole person and today I am able to feel joy. 

In the end no matter what is said at my own memorial if there is one it doesn't really matter. It is whether while on earth I could find joy and if I was able to leave here without resentments. If I can lead by example and trust only in a power greater than myself. 

Take what you like and leave the rest. 

 

Family - Our original tribe - War

It has been proven scientifically that when you spend time with a person or group of people that your brain chemistry starts to change to match each other while you are together.  This is why when people gather in large groups who already have similar ideas about things can be powerful.  This is why religions through out history called people to come together as an act of commitment to their beliefs..

Even in smaller groups we take on the outlook of the people we are traveling with through life.  The day to day similarity makes us feel like we belong to something our tribe. It isn't acceptable for someone with different ideas to join unless they are planning to assimilate.  There is strength in numbers and if someone doesn't get on board they will be pushed out.

I was listening to an interview with Byron Katey yesterday. For me she really has the answer to mental suffering and it is pretty simple. But that is a different post.  Yesterday she said "when you think someone is wrong it it just because they do not agree with you."  This assumes we are somehow superior in our own beliefs and ideas. She calls this "war".

During the holidays some people end up spending a lot of time with there family. This is when our differences tend to come up.  These people might be our original tribe but now we have moved on and found our own tribe in our everyday life. It makes us feel unsettled that the people we spent our early years with are not like us and and we want to take this one day to try to change them.

With my own family they live in a different world than I do.  Do I think they are wrong? I think they mean well and are passionate about their own beliefs and it is not my responsibility to convert them to mine. If I am pressed I am happy to let them know my own beliefs.

On my recent visit I saw a lot of pain and suffering mostly caused by fear.  Fear of crime and all those people out to get them. Ironically they all live way out in the middle of no where and the likelihood of any of those things happening to them is remote. The mind is always looking for something to do and leans towards fear and negativity.

When I am with my family I imagine that  my own presence of love and acceptance will have an influence on them. It is hard see them suffering but I understand it because I have suffered myself.

Let's face it we all live alone in our heads or with those nasty characters we have created to live with us.  We don't know what is in some one's head or heart we can only bring love and acceptance to the table and be the strong force that makes an impression. This is better than war.

I am spending Christmas alone and happy this year.  I can make a big deal about this or I can enjoy my solitude and know that I am loved from a distance by my original tribe. I have learned how to let myself be happy where ever I am. Merry Christmas.

Dreams - Reality - Green Beans

I had a dream this morning that I was in a cafeteria buffet line and a older guy had put a serving of chicken on my plate with some green beans.  Suddenly he decided that he wanted me to have fish and took my plate back and gave me a piece of fish but in the process threw away my green beans.  I ask for more green beans but her refused and I had to ask for a manager to get my green beans.

Dreams are so real sometimes and I wonder are we really living in a second world.  I know when I dream like this that I have stayed in bed too long. The details were incredible and I remember when I got my green beans I thought this has taken me 45 minutes to get through this line.

I guess it is Thanksgiving bringing on food dreams and I do prefer fish to chicken but I do like my green beans.  I am on my own this year without plans for the day but feeling okay with it.  I have cooked and served hundreds of people on Thanksgiving mostly spending my time cooking and cleaning alone in the kitchen.

For many years I enjoyed the process of cooking a big meal for the people in my life that I loved. Feeling productive and making sure everyone had a meal to remember. When I was young my husband and I cooked for 20 - 30 people some of them strangers to us but without a place to go.

In my last relationship I cooked for my ex's family and my friends.  It is strange to think about that now.  It has been over a decade and the person that did that no longer exist. I don't feel sad today being alone. I think for the first time I don't feel lost and wanting more from my life than what is right in front of me. I am off work until Tuesday and have a few projects on my list to keep me busy.

I have found that only resisting your current situation will bring you unhappiness.  We are taught to want more dream more and I agree with that but not at the expense of rejecting today.  Enjoy the day and if your with friends and family try to not want them or the day to be different and enjoy those green beans.

Not wanting something more - freedom

I have been a little apprehensive about writing here because the traffic was coming from an unsavory source.  It appears to have been corrected.

I have returned to my happy self after my trip to see my family.  I hadn't wanted to admit to myself that it was the trip and what I felt while I was there that was making me sad. The girl in me imagined that if I could be a part of my family would make me feel complete.  This is what I have been looking for in every relationship I have had since my mother died. 

I first married someone who was overly protective of me.  Someone that would literally fight for me if I needed them to no one had ever done that for me. Since my dad never even verbally stood up for me after my mother died this was really appealing. I ended up with a raging maniac in the end who wanted to control me every minute. I moved on to the duplicate of dad a relief that felt so familiar and the relationship did help me work through all the indifference I felt with my dad.

The point is that I have always felt something was missing.  I had moments where I felt safe and secure and loved but inevitably history repeated itself and I was left. Rejected just like that girl who left home at sixteen. They wanted me there for my cleaning and babysitting skills because I was reliable as a support staff. This also has been repeated in all of my relationships.

Getting back to the visit with my sister.  I felt invisible there or worse like just another person to manage around all the drama.  When you are given instructions about what not to say or ask about. I just stayed silent most of the time.  I enjoyed having one lunch with my sister just the two of us. We talked about life and her kids.  We are similar in many ways which always surprises us both.

I think what I have been looking for is a rare thing.  I want to feel like I matter to someone when most of the time people are so wrapped up in their own life that they can't even see you most less appreciate you. The next thing I ask myself is "do I appreciate other people?" probably not as much as I should.  My own life circumstances has made me pretty self absorbed and autonomous.

When I lost the idea of who I was 10 years ago I almost didn't recover.  I never imagined that I could be happy just being myself and not wanting something more from someone. A maturity that I didn't think was possible. Today I feel that a kind of freedom that is hard to explain.

My recent sadness was from realizing that what I want cannot be found with my family or anyone else.  I have been mourning that loss since I got back. I am happy again because I can see that I don't have to keeping trying so hard to make myself a part them. Their indifference to me has nothing to do with me or whether I am worthy of their love.  They are just wrapped up in their own story.

I have decided to stop thinking that I will spend my twilight years with my family and make other plans.  I have also decided that I will make less visits and maybe get my sister to meet me somewhere for a long weekend.  She is growing too and realizing her kids want to manage their lives without her input. She is accepting that she has done her job and they have to find their own way.

I have been working on my house and very busy at work the two things I do love.  I am wrapping up my oil painting class something that makes me feel more balance.  I feel good just being me and not wanting something more. Enjoying each day as it comes.

Accepting each other - family - So much alike

I spent a few hours on the phone with my sister last night.  Our lives have ended up very different and now that we are older we are trying to narrow the gap between us.  We have the same genes but had very different life circumstances.

She wanted to never make waves and I was born making them. At first I wanted to be like her but when realized it would never happen I was free to do what I wanted. I remember even now one time coloring together she stayed perfectly in the lines and how beautiful her page looked. My page was terrible my hand always slipped and there was the crayon outside the line. Once that happened my interest in coloring for the moment died and I left the page half done.

I really didn't understand that she was four years older and that her motor skills were ten times what mine were or that she had four more years of practice than I did. I yearned to be just like her because my parents really loved her.  I knew this because they constantly said wonderful things about her.  She was always respectful to them, she kept her room spotless, she had straight A's and practiced her piano lessons for two hours a day.  She was perfect.

I am not saying they didn't love me because they did.  The fact that they loved me despite my constant questioning of their authority, messy room, a report card that was celebrated with some "B's" mixed in with "Cs" and the fact that I refused to practice the piano.  I never understood why girls were expected to play the piano.  Even with that I was still loved not praised but loved anyway.

My sister now says my mother wanted to be a concert pianist.  I can see now why my sister pushed to become the perfect piano player my mother imagined her to be. Especially after my mom got sick. My sister was old enough to see that things were not going well while I was told not to worry and I didn't.

While she was being perfect I was exiled to the basement where I built cites out of cardboard with stores and restaurants.  I also held art classes there for the neighborhood kids with art supplies stolen from school.  I only charged a small fee for the class.  I loved art and often won contest at school.  My  dream was to decorate the bulletin boards at school for the holidays but you had to have grades like my sister's to be chosen.  Art wasn't considered a talent like piano in our house but it made me happy.

With our effort to get to know each other my sister and I have found that we are the same in a lot of ways.  The death of our mother made us different from other kids we knew a bond we are only sharing now. Ironically who we were as kids reversed when we became adults. When my dad remarried I had to learn to keep quiet and do what I was told perfectly. This was what was needed to be loved in the new household. 

My sister's desire to be perfect left her when my mother died. She stopped cleaning her room, playing the piano or even ironing her clothes.  With those perfect grades she got scholarship and left for college the summer my father remarried.  She stopped trying to fit in and blazed her own path ultimately becoming the youngest female lawyer in her state. 

Today we are more comfortable in our own skins and don't worry too about what other people think.  The work ethic that was instilled in us by both of our parents has made us successful in whatever we have done professionally.  Emotionally we are still a little too self reliant living in that fortress we built so many years ago.  Today we are trying to be a little freer and happier and accepting of each other.

Family - Addiction - Peace Versions of Reality

My family came and went this past four days.  It was a nice visit everyone seemed pretty chilled out without stressing out over the the schedule.  My sister and I we don't have any big angst between us anymore except at one point she said Obama was a big fake and the secretly he was really just as bad all the rest.  She compared the president to Bill Clinton and his treatment of women I just let it pass.

Sometimes when you aren't quite comfortable with your own position on something you have to make the other side out to be a villain of some sorts.  I know this is what I have done with my ex's and other problem situations in my life.  You can't just say "it just doesn't work for me."  Or "things have changed and I have moved on." 

You have to justify why you don't like or want to be part of something anymore or why your better off.  I think this is how you get past the guilt of moving on or letting go of the hurt of something ending.  In my sister's situation assuring herself she is on the right side of things.  Before the election we both spoke about the fact that the man is a sociopath. We actually agreed on that I am sure at this point she would say she never said that.

With the death of our mother we both have built a fortress around our version of reality.  She also ended up in the middle of full blow addiction.  She went to Al-Anon a few times to help someone else and said "it really wasn't for her she wasn't in denial and the people there were so strange."

She knows what is  best for everyone and she will tell you that. Sounds just like an untreated Al-Anon to me.  I have no desire to do anything about that anymore. She wants to save everyone but when you are dealing with addiction they have to want to save themselves. Like they say "cunning baffling and powerful."

When you are dealing with addition it is not the person you knew anymore.  There are two people in there one running things the other small and scared taking orders.  I felt this way when I was depressed.  I felt like I was a prisoner of my mind and the negative self talk. I just wanted to end that talk and thought I couldn't live another day like that.  I imagine that is the way addiction feels with the substance giving you temporary relief from the self -abusive talk.

My sister said "we didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to solve our problems."  I said it was because we had a strong foundation to start with and probably because we were control freaks.  I really don't know why some are more susceptible than others.  Grace is really the answer to that question.

I am grateful that I have some peace with my family after all these years.  Time does have a way of making you realize it isn't really that important anymore.  It feels good to spend four eventless days with my blood relatives without trying to change anyone's mind or even state my own.

 

Rejection - Excited - Horoscopes

I have been very busy.  Has there ever been a time I haven't said that here I guess in truth I like busy.  After the years of depression and recession both mentally and financially I have found a freedom that I really thought was not possible. I feel actually excited about the future instead of indifferent.

What has changed? My analytical mind really wants to spend a lot of time pondering that question. Really a lot has happened.  It has been 10 years.  Don't let that number scare you it is really only 3650 consecutive day give or take a few dozen that may or may not have meaning.  Even though none of the days individually really seemed so significant together they accomplished a transformation.

What I have believed my entire adolescent and adult life is that there was something about me that made me unlovable. This has been the core of my belief.  I have been loved by many actually but in the end I was left for someone else.  Someone better I assumed.  I am a take charge practical person so I thought "I will make myself a better person" and I went on a lifetime journey of improvement.

Where did I get this idea ? After my mother died and left me at eleven I was left to parent myself. I know you guys are probably sick of hearing this but for anyone that loses their mother early they are really messed up.  My dad was left us emotionally and was engaged to two different women and married with in 6 months. "Run Daddy run!"

Lets just say that I was on my own to sort out a lot of things. In my child's mind I was a bad kid with ADD.  I was not medicated and my mother whipped me a lot to try to correct this problem.  They offered my parents medication to solve the problem but the idea of that was rejected. It might hurt me in some way.  Really? When she got sick everything shifted to saving her and the pressure was off.  Subtract two and a half years from ll and you have a person that is eight and a half running the show.

Where did I get advice on how life was suppose to be and how to make good decisions.  I got advice from the person I trusted the most "me".  I was available 24/7 and was always willing to listen to all sides of the story and work it all out. In my teens I relied on Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my house this represented the devil and my stepmother found my copy under my mattress and I was put on restriction for a month.

I needed some kind of positive feedback from somewhere.  My stepmother is (still alive) a very critical person and she has cut many people, that she is suppose to love, to the bone. It was worse for me because I was not one of the people she loved. I felt she hated me me. Now I think she didn't give me much thought at all she isn't that deep.  My sister says she has changed but I couldn't detect that the last time I saw her. Sitting next to her at the baby shower I wanted to "Hey.  Did you know your selfishness and lack of maturity really changed the course of my life?"  I left home at 16 the best decision of my life - Still.

So what my point of regurgitating this crap again? My point is that because I had to raise myself it has taken me a long time to see that the way the people that are suppose to love you treat you isn't at all about you.  Yes us Virgos can be critical (mostly of ourselves) but we bring a lot to the table. We take care of things.  We make things run smoothly and taste good.  When we decide something or someone is worthy of our focus we are all in and ask for nothing in return.  We don't don't do it for the accolades we do it because we love you and know we can make any situation better.

In our selflessness we appear invisible which is fine with us. We are under appreciated by even ourselves and no one sees our value until we are gone.  The last part is what I hope anyway.

I been have invested in a lot things and people in my life and have felt really undervalued. I have been left by ever person that I have loved and that I thought loved me. In my mind I am still that ADD girl that made her mother sick because I couldn't act right. I have always been a problem and not worth a long term investment.  This is what the eight year thinks.

I know it isn't true and I argue with her about this when I am sad and lonely.  Our relationship has change over the years and recently I have convinced her that we need to invest in our own happiness for a change and stop thinking we caused the rejection.

Overall we have done a good job parenting ourselves.  We have made mistakes and we have been slow to learn sometimes but we have come out on top. We have loved and have made a difference in the lives we have touched even if we don't exactly how.  This isn't our business. We have done best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough.

I want to thank all those folks writing horoscopes out there.  Sometimes you just need someone to tell you something good about yourself.  Today I look for God's message everywhere I go and from anyone that crosses my path.  I always say " it is the message not the messenger."  Take what you like and leave the rest.

There is healing available no matter what your eight year old might say to you.  You are worth the investment and never give up.   







 

Graves - Tragedy and Denial

I was looking for an old receipt for my shower unit and came across some paperwork of my deceased aunt where she had been sued over the family section of the cemetery. I had forgotten about this but it was a very big deal for her.

My mothers family is from a small town that still has only one light,  After my grandmothers death she decided that the family area of the cemetery should be spruced up. She had a concrete border poured around it and gravel filled it in.  She was really proud of the work and thought that at last she did something for her family.

She received a letter from an attorney stating that she had covered over the graves of another family. A local family that claimed their brother and still born child were buried there. The family still lived there and the matriarch of the family who had dementia became disturbed by the change at the cemetery and wanted it changed back.

My aunts paperwork had a neatly drawn layout showing the graves and the people they believed were in them. I also found records of funeral provided by the funeral home for almost everyone buried there after 1930. Before that it was here say and children were buried on top of other graves which is why we had this dispute..

My aunt her small town in shame.  Her husband left her for another woman the first year she was married.  She was pregnant and after the baby was born she got a divorce and left town leaving her baby with my grandmother. She moved to the closest town and found work waitressing sending money home. An escape from that small town where she was disgraced. She never went back.

Her son died of dysentery at the age of two in the care of my grandmother. My aunt was never the same after that. She stayed in the city working. She meet my uncle a navy pilot. He wore a uniform and drove a red convertible. She had movie star looks and he was in love. They married and she moved about as far north as you can in this country.

Over the years she created a carbon copy of the life she saw on TV right down to the Cape Cod house with the white picket fence. They were not able to have children so they adopted a boy and a girl exactly one year apart both blond. He golfed they belonged to the country club and on the outside it looked perfect. Over the years she built a delusional fortress around herself that could no one penetrated.

Her baby was buried in that cemetery and I imagine that was what drove her to put such effort into fixing it up. She was nearing the end of her life and she wasn't mobile. Everything she did concerning the lawsuit she did over the phone.  She denied the one request from the other family to remove the headstone over the grave of one of there members. Her 4 year old sister was buried there. She refused.

They went to trial with a jury and everything. It wasn't a jury of her peers to them she was just some highfaluting northerner getting into southerners business. She lost and was required to remove the gravel covering and head stones over the disputed graves. She didn't do it and I am guessing that because of the age of everyone involved it never got done.

My aunt was cold and unloving to her husband and her children and frankly to everyone that tried to make her see life in a truthful way. Her two kids were emotionally disturbed to start with and she never really bonded with them. Her son turned to alcohol and her daughter has had a tragic life. She stayed in denial until her death. No one came to the funeral but myself and her caregiver.

I was the closest to her (except her caregiver) at the end of her life. She was more likeable to strangers than those of us who knew the path of destruction she left behind. Literally crushing the people close to her daily with her words.  I was her favorite mostly because I didn't anything from her money or even approval. I can't say back then I had compassion for her like I do today.

Before she died we set up a trust together for her kids and one grandchild. They don't live in luxury but they are not homeless like they have been. She often told them they should be like me. When I was getting my interior design degree she told everyone I was going to law school. To her lawyers, doctors and nurses were stars and so in her mind I had to be a lawyer. I am real popular with her kids.

She was the first born and my mother was the last.  She moved back to the city where she waitressed and that is where I live now. I distanced myself from her until after my uncle died it was too painful to see how unhappy they were and how things got worse as they aged. I spent one day a week there bringing her back into reality for just one day. I was the heavy and she fought me all the way.  She never left her world of denial and in the end she died peacefully. She told me that she was seeing Jesus and other family members that had gone on before her.

When she died we buried her in that same little cemetery in the deep south. Not in the area where she did the improvements but off to the side.  That is appropriate because the rest of the family might just come to life and get up and leave.

Life can be so hard that your mind guards you from reality.  When we can't accept that life didn't turn out like we imagined or some dream we had has been shattered we do our best to survive first and then if we are lucky we get help. We can't rely on our own mind to always tell us the truth. My aunt suffered her whole life and died basically alone it didn't have to be like that.







 

Sisters - Crisis - Life

My family came and went.  It was a good visit stress free for the most part except when my niece was trying to manage us all in the nicest way. Making sure we were all sticking to the agreed upon schedule we all resisted like everyone naturally does when they are being managed.

This is the first time my sister has seen my house.  It is a nice house filled with the years of my life and some of hers or at least some of the people that she is related to on different shelves around the house.

I ended up with a lot of family stuff because my mother's oldest sister and my grandmother ended up here at the end of their lives.  I came here at sixteen because I thought I needed a back up plan in case I couldn't support myself.  My aunt was already here and in the process of moving my grandmother here. I ended not needing that backup plan and never lived with either one of them.

My relationship with my sister has changed for the good.  I think in families we sometimes makeup stories about each other something based on a snap shot of our childhood. We imagine that we know who this person is and that idea just stays with us.  Especially when they are far away we can place them securely in a box and treat them the way we treated them when we were kids.

With my sister I think we have finally let go of our rolls.  She always felt that she needed to add me to her list of people she needed to counsel.  We also had the issue between us about my dad.  He was a part of her life but not mine. A few months ago we had our final argument about him ending with me saying I just wanted her to acknowledge that we had different experiences and in my eyes he was not a saint but human and that she didn't need to defend of justify my relationship with him.

Life goes on and before he died I had accepted that he was unable to give me what I ultimately wanted from him. The child in me wanted to be some kind of priority in his life. It is old news now and it is just me and her and I am over it. She is too I can feel the change between us she has also stopped trying to point out places she thinks I need work. Anyone reading this blog knows that this has been my life's work.

My sister just like me has lived a life of crisis.  One after another barely making it and thinking that living like that is normal. The difference is with the program I was able to find periods of real peace. It is hard to become comfortable with peace your mind goes wild looking for something to fill the empty space. Now it feels strange to be in a crisis about anything.

I am not in charge of most things that happen. I can only control my thoughts about it and stop myself from projecting some awful future outcome. I can also recognize that other people have the same option. They also have the right to make their own life choices even if I don't agree with the choices they make. Their lessons are different from mine and my own problems have led me to a higher place.

I love my sister and she loves me and we are now becoming friends how weird is that.  Two adults respecting and loving each other.