I was taking ice out of ice trays a few minutes ago and remember a funny story about me and my older sister. On steamy hot southern days I would intentionally wait for my sister to get up and make herself a glass of ice tea and then I would say "please can you make me one too" knowing with my parents sitting there she wouldn't be able to refuse me.
Back then in our house we didn't have an ice maker just those metal trays with a handle that you pulled to break the ice open. I wasn't really strong enough to pull the frozen arm to get the ice out but that wasn't why I ask her to do it for me. She hated me we were four years apart and I was a thorn in her side. At first she was my idol I thought everything about her was perfect and from the outside it seemed true. Mother mother constantly raved about her. She had perfect attendance - straight "A's" - she kept her room in perfect order and she never got dirty.
Of course when your eight you don't realize there is a big difference between being eight and twelve. I viewed myself as a problem inferior to her in every way. I tried so hard but I couldn't be like her it was too hard for me. I finally let go and decided to not try at all. It was a relief but I took something away from that decision. I believed that because I wasn't perfect like her that I wasn't smart.
This thought was based on our years in school compounded by the death of my mother. I had this belief despite the successes I had once I left school. Even working fast food in while still in high school they wanted to get an age exception so I could be a supervisor. In truth after I decided that being perfect like my sister was impossible for me I never applied myself in school.
My dad and stepmother were happy to discourage me from college so it didn't cost them anything. It isn't that important in traditionally southern families that girls go to college. My mother went to college and would have freaked if she had known they weren't making me go.
I made a success of my life becoming the youngest VP in a mortgage company of 1,000 people. I still have those congratulations letters. I still felt like a fraud because I didn't have the education that other people had. When I lost my job after 13 years I felt like I was found out.
At 40 I decided to do the one thing I had never done go to college. I always tell people I went back to school but really I went for the first time. I tested out all the remedial English courses but the math I had to start from scratch. I did it with those punky eighteen year old students. I had an advantage I wanted to be there and enjoyed every minute. I got my degree with a 4.0 average because nothing else was acceptable.
I have had a good life with the work ethic both my parents taught me. My sister is a lawyer but after my mother died she lost her shine and never really regained her love for this world. My mother was a great force in our lives and without her and my dad distracted by his new family we barely made it. Suffering has been the norm for both of us and we accepted early on that nothing in life comes easy.
We both love our work and it has been the one consistent thing in our lives. She seems really happy now that she has grandchildren and her love for work is wavering. Now she is thinking she only needs to do the work of two people instead of three. I am happy for her.
We talk a few times a week when she can squeeze me in coming home late from work. She is always surprised how alike we are but we did have the same mother even if her influence lasted four more years than mine.
I think our mother would have been proud of us both. Of course my sisters traditional life would have met her approval for sure. With me she had to accept very early that I had my own ideas about things and without a logical presentation of the facts to show otherwise those ideas would not be changed. I preferred punishment to giving in if I thought I was right.
I still believe no human has all the right answers all the time. We have a right to question what we are being told and even what we tell ourselves. We have to look at the motive behind the words. It isn't easy to go against the majority or long entrenched doctrine but it is important to look at whether those ideas are hurting people.
If you alienate someone it is unlikely you will convince them you are right. You have to give people love and space to decide for themselves. I always loved the program phrase "attraction not promotion" it gave me the opportunity to figure out my own path. In church they taught us "let your little light shine" I think this is the same thing.
My sister and I have a worked things out between each other. She no longer sees me as the brat that forced her to serve me ice tea on those hot summer days. I am only sad that we had to suffer separately our whole lives when we are so much alike.
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