I was watching "Field of Dreams" last night. I can't seem to pass it up when I am surfing the channels and see it there. I always cry at the end when he plays catch with his dad. They parted ways early in life and he has the opportunity to see his dad a younger man with hopes and dreams like himself. I always think wouldn't that be great to have a do over with my own dad.
My dad has been gone more than a decade now and wasn't the kind of person that thought too much about the feelings of other people. He was a kind man and willing to do just about anything anyone ask him to do without complaint. He rarely got mad unless you did something that he thought wasn't godly or if you said you didn't want to go to church. He never disciplined us and left that to my mother.
I woke up this morning a little sad and thinking a little too much about my life. Wishing that my life had turned out differently. After my mother died I never like I belonged anywhere. When my dad remarried I had to earn my right to be there and ended up like Cinderella with a string of chores that had to be done including babysitting my little sister full time so my stepmother could be free to do what she wanted. I took this idea of earning my place in every relationship since then. This is why I am so successful in work.
With my dad I always wanted him to show me that I was important to him. He never called me and when I called him once a year for his birthday he would put me on hold several times when the call waiting clicked. He never ask me about my life or even where I was living. Ironically have I repeated this same relationship over and over in my life. Even with my past friendships they have been with people that if I disappeared it would never occur to anyone to call me and find out what is going on.
I feel really good most days now and very autonomous. I am spending time with people who seem to want me around and the give and take is more equal. I am a strong person but I don't want to be the only person keeping a relationship going anymore. I am willing to let the people go in my life that really are only interested in what I can do for them.
I can see that I have have spent my life trying to get over the past. I can also see that I did this from a child's point of view. I was wounded and just wanting to feel like someone cared about me. My story has dominated my life and kept me from reaching out. Life goes on and people are busy with their own stories and do not have time to think about me. I am grown up now and I am reaching out.
I am taking a vacation at the end of the month. I am going to visit a friend from childhood. We reconnected after her mother's death a few years ago and talk every week on the phone. I am also going to stay a few days with dad's sister. Over the years she has kept in contact with me. My cousins live in the same area and I am going to see if they would like to get together.
Part of me feels this reaching out is too late but if I am rejected then I am no worse off than I was before. I know that my life is the way it is because I was lost in my own pain and stayed busy to avoid facing the feelings I had of not being worthy of love. Really because I didn't love myself.
I also know that I am like my own dad in a lot of ways happy to do the next thing and not thinking too much about the feelings of others just getting the job done.
My dad's family keep to themselves. Not like my mother's family with drama after drama. They are quiet and autonomous never complaining never asking for help. I am like them good sturdy genes staying away from drama of any kind. I hope this will be a good visit I really need to get away and looking forward to it.
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