Seasons of life - Reflection - Gratitude

I am feel like I have come out on the other side of my grief period.  The winter months have a lot of history for me and no matter whether I acknowledge it or not it is there in the back ground.  This year it was front and center from Thanksgiving to my mother's death anniversary the 15th.  In my mind I am thinking "get over it" but that isn't always possible. 

I don't really sit back and dwell on the events it just is an underlying sadness. Working with my ex has brought it front and center.  Just like in our relationship we are polite and pretending there is nothing unusual going on.  "Lets Just Pretend"  this can make a relationship last a long time. I tried to break through this for years but every effort ended badly me feeling like I was the villain and caused pain and suffering by wanting more.

My dad was just like that he wanted everything in Pleasantville to be pleasant. How can you complain when you have only peace in your home.  I can remember my mother trying to force my dad to give his opinion but he never did.  He would give you a string of facts about any subject he had knowledge about to help you make your decision. I loved my daddy but he seemed faraway even when he was right there with you. 

So I met someone like my dad. It was a good relationship and I felt secure there for a long time but I was lucky that I was forced to move on even if it feels like I haven't sometimes.  I am not that person so many years ago. It was a season of my life where I stayed busy with life until it hit a bump and everything I thought was important got taken from me and I had to choose whether to live or not.  

It took me a long time to decide. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't trust myself anymore after choosing the wrong person for the second time. I lost the person I was and had to decide what to do next. A forced spiritual awakening that I don't recommend to anyone. It was necessary for me to come back to myself and love myself whether anyone else did or not. I stayed in a relationship where I was lonely because I thought who am I to want more.  

I don't believe in regret - what's the point? Every moment of our lives shapes us into the person we are today. I could make a long list of how my life would be different in a bad way without that relationship. I am grateful and mature enough at this point to see that.