I think I mentioned this before but I am rereading a book called Canyon Solitude by Patricia C. McCairen. I believe she was the first woman to solo down the Colorado river in 1994. This book is a coming of age story or really one persons journey of ridding herself of layers of the person she was told to be and the person she actually is inside.
By the time her solo trip takes place she has made that transformation with all the usual doubts popping up when you spend so much time alone. She has gone from a corporate NY job to living sometimes in the wilderness in a tee pee during winter with temperatures below zero. Not my idea of finding oneself but it is a good read.
It doesn't really deal with much of that just the daily the rituals of the trip with a few antidotes of how she arrived at securing permission to solo down the Colorado River. The way it is written speaks to me and makes me realize that my quest to be my truest self is one of ups and downs and doubts and fears. I know I am not alone in this world on my quest.
Counseling has really helped get to the heart of some of my false beliefs. The part of my story that has laid the foundation of not believing I am lovable. She said I thought I was a victim in my relationships but I don't think that is true. Yes in the beginning when I decide to leave home at 16 to protect my own sanity I did think - "why me?" I mostly have thought that it was because of who I was that made people reject me.
By the time I left home my life had continuously about about survival. I learned that people really only care about themselves even though they are adults and you are their responsibility. I know that everyone is just trying to survive and it is a rare person that can see past their own pain to help guide someone else. It was such freedom to just accept I was my own responsibility and didn't have to maneuver around the wants and needs of my sick family.
I became the same as them and built a wall between myself and the people I loved. Don't get me wrong I was there to bail them out or talk them off a ledge but I never wanted to burden anyone already hurting with my wants and needs. I did let one person break through emotionally and that ended in manipulation and fear and left me a shell of a person.
I have over the years layer by layer removed the lies of my internal story. The layers of painful things that happened to me that I took so personally thinking that these incidents proved that I was flawed in a permanent way. There was something about me that warranted being cast aside by the people that said they loved me.
The real flaw was not showing that I was human and needed support too. I surrounded myself with people who were happy to just take the support without having to give support in return. It felt like the perfect match until I had a crisis or I became weary and resentful in my role as giver. When this happens I withdraw and they find a replacement for me.
I am not that person anymore and have lived neither giving or taking for a long time. Just like the woman on the boat I have become accustom to traveling solo and know I can do that. I have reached a point where I am looking for others like me who have become comfortable with who they are an just want companionship. I don't want to rescue anyone and I don't want to be rescued. I want to find adventure and peace together if possible.
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