Motivation. I have been lucky in my life that I am a very motivated person in our house we were taught that you need to be constantly contributing. I think it is more than that for me I always want to be moving forward and I am really uncomfortable just relaxing and taking a time out.
The act of doing is just who I am. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as a kid annoyed because I had to come in and eat dinner. I had things to get done and eating was low on my priority list. My mother compromised and would agree if I ate the vegetables on my plate I could leave the table. This took about a minute and then I would be gone.
In my life I have always been motivated except when depressed. When the depression was related to grief I never feel guilty or beat myself up for doing nothing. I was doing something I was grieving and that took all my energy.
When my life went black and I experience something past grief more like shock I felt paralyzed and unable to do anything and I hated myself. I believed that I would feel that way forever and for that reason I didn't want to live. I tried all my usual tricks to get past this comatose existence and nothing worked.
This is depression on a scale that is hard to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My brain constantly worked on a solution for the nothing I felt. This searching went on 24/7 without a break. In the past when I experience grief I took to my bed and could sleep 12 hours to escape the sadness and loss. This time I was different I couldn't sleep.
I have to repeat this story on days like today because I am not motivated to do anything on my mental list. It is my day off and I feel flat. I had an exhausting week and was irritable all day yesterday and knew I needed to not take on anything big. I read a book and did my laundry hoping that today I would get something done. I am still un-motivated today.
I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do feel better. I am listening to old 70's Rock where singers other than the originals are singing the songs. Really good but just a tiny bit off. When I am flat I have to remember that this is what happens when I need a time out. Being bored and uninspired is when your mind and spirit is regrouping.
I do want to say one more thing my depression. It was triggered by a life changing event out of my control. I didn't seek medical help because I didn't have insurance eventually I did and found out that my thyroid was out of wack. I had stopped eating because I was just not interested and this didn't help. When I started getting treated for my thyroid my mood swings leveled off and I started eating again. The shock of my situation affecting my physically as well as emotionally.
With my depression I never considered a physical connection I just thought I have to just hang in there and hope tomorrow will be better. After a long recovery and I am grateful that I did recover and my self hatred changed to compassion and I am grateful not to be there anymore. I can appreciate that it is okay not to feel motivated every day.
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