Saturday, July 30, 2022

Living with alcoholism - Addiction is isolating - being enough

I am in full blown creative mode which hasn't left me much time for my life long pastime of regurgitating the story of my life. I feel unstuck for the first time ever. I attribute this to counseling and having someone actually give me feedback that it is not my fault that my life turned out like it did and I can let go of thinking there is something wrong with me because I am not like most people. I could never conform even when I wanted to.  

Believe me I tried during my early years aiming for the picture perfect like. I was ambitious and pushed my husband as hard as I could to create the life I thought would make us happy. We both had tough childhoods losing our mothers at 11 and raising ourselves after leaving home early.  We were children raising children with a lot wrong ideas in our heads. 

I think we both did alright ultimately even though I really don't know emotional how things are for him. I know he raised two boys and on on his twitter account is says "God let me be the man my children think I am".  

We were in our 20's and had a lot of baggage and he medicated his with alcohol and anger. I medicated mine with him.  The kind person I met and fell in love with disappeared little by little over our nine year marriage.  I thought that it was somehow my fault. There was something wrong with me and I was not enough.  I use to be enough and to keep him I would have to try harder. I would have to be perfect to keep him happy. 

I tried to be perfect an meet his every demand but nothing worked. I soon became a target and the intimacy we had known as two motherless people finding our way together was over. He used my secret insecurities as weapons making me feel that it was my fault that he wasn't happy. I believed him because he was the only one in my life. 

Addition is isolating and the nature of the disease is that it is - cunning - baffling - powerful. I was a girl then in love and I hand met the one person I thought understood me and actually saw me. The idea of not being enough or even normal has been the theme of life.

I think I stayed stuck for so long because I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise. Al-Anon help me to have a better relationship with myself and I moved on. When the same relationship happened a second time for the same reasons I went back to believing it was me. How could I have repeated the same relationship again. This time there wasn't any verbal abuse it was more like my childhood just indifference. Still alcohol still infidelity but at least no verbal abuse. Progress I guess.

I rounding out my counseling and feel actually like I can be really free for once. I feel open and capable instead of living in my usual dome of protection. I am letting people back into my life and actually feel ready give instead living on the defense.  

It feels strange really to feel so empty of pain from the past. This week I went back to a portrait class I helped support almost 9 years ago and they were really happy to see me. I was in such pain back then and only wanted to survive. I could never have imagined feeling the freedom I feel now. 


 

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