A little less holy

It is quiet here today. I am in the showroom alone the owner has gone down south to see his new great grand baby. He has so many kids, grand kids and great grand kids he can't remember all their names. It is nice, he rarely takes off even though he could if her wanted. This is really his home, the showroom and he is still here six days a week.

I started a few different post and have ditched them for some unknown reason. Today I am moving slow and enjoying being alone here today. A couple of my customers came in one a new job the other picking up tile to finish her kitchen.

I feel good and have plans to drain the water bed later even though it is cold and the thought of messing with water is not appealing. Our contractor said there is some kind of device you can hook to your drill that is like a small pump. When I leave here I am going to the depot to see if I can find one.

I am trying to relax and take care of myself since business will be dead until after new years. It is a time to reflect and prepare for the future. In refection we can focus on regret or we can accept that we did our best and this was all we could do.

I had a heated discussion with a friend last night when I said we all do our best but sometimes it isn't good enough. Decisions we have made have hurt other people it wasn't intentional and we were working with what we had to work with. Our parents did the best they could with what they had it doesn't mean that it didn't leave some pretty big holes is our emotional make up.

This idea that it wasn't good enough sent her over the edge. She said it was what shaped us and made us who we are today and accepting people as they are or were is important. That everyone is exactly where they are suppose to be.

This isn't about blame for me, it is about recognizing how we got the holes and how we can heal them. We have done things that have caused harm to others and if we recognize that we can heal ourselves and others with amends. It did shape who we are today but for me I was Swiss cheese by the time I got to the program and my goal is to be a little less holy.

Isn't that the point our lives became unmanageable for a reason and figuring how my thinking became messed up I can move on. Most of it was from a child point of view anyway and as I become more mature I can stop taking the past so personally.

We finally agreed to disagree and decided to end the discussion with changing the premise to: Wouldn't it have been nice if ___________________ hadn't happen to me or Wouldn't it have been nice if __________________ could have been there for me.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Getting Lost

Last night I got lost on my way to a Thanksgiving potluck dinner. This is not unusual for me, I have resisted getting one of the many talking navigators because I am oppose to yet another electronic running my life. Besides I like to think of myself as a good navigator despite the fact that I am lost a lot of the time. After an hour of driving around in an unfamiliar part of town I gave up and headed back home.

In life my navigation skills have taken me down many a wrong road. Sometimes I just became impatient with the process and took the first road I came to without much thought. Then I would eventually wake up to find myself in some kind of personal hell of my own making only to blame someone else or God for the situation I was in. Some of those choices changed the course of my life in ways I try not to think about now. There is no wrong path path just sometimes a shorter more pleasant path. I don't believe in regret and for me time eventually reveals the importance of every moment good or bad.

I recently decided to speed up one particular path and face something I have been avoiding for quite some time. A person that caused me a lot of pain and I wanted to get some answers some closure so I can move on. But it wasn't the right time because after three attempts to meet there has been one obstacle after another. Oddly enough I don't feel like it is so important anymore and maybe what I needed was to just let it go. I think the lesson was to just face my own pain and insecurity and move on.

The 12 steps and a spiritual path doesn't guarantee an easier life in fact being present and accountable for yourself at all times can be down right painful sometimes. When I realized I was totally responsible, I thought great and then it hit me, I have no one to blame anymore for my feelings.

What no one tells you when you start the steps is once you have that awakening there is no going back. This must be the way they felt after the apple incident in the garden.

So here I am working my program tailored by my higher power, just for me. Accepting that even when I feel I am lost I am always somewhere and I will eventually find my way home.