Immaturity - Looking for a cure for deep sadness outside myself

For some reason this time of year is my favorite it seems like even if it is hot outside the light is changing. I feel more energized and feel like I need to do some housekeeping. Not literally even though I do like order I am not a clean freak.  When I was young waiting for my drinker to come home I spent that time cleaning and watching the clock. This broke me of my cleaning obsession.

My sister recently said that I should spend more time at the beach.  She lives in the mountains so the beach seems like the perfect solution to anything.  I have lived near the beach since I was 17 and I did go not for real pleasure but as a place to grieve. I associate the beach with all those years and I not that person anymore. I was grieving a lifetime of loss and now I just deal with loss and grief everyday as it comes up. 

I don't feel lost and alone anymore and I am not waiting for the people that say they love me to do the right thing. I thought their love would cure the deep sadness I had inside left by the loss of my mother.  I picked people who had the same idea that I could cure their deep loss too. They left me because they thought someone else would cure the sadness. I interpreted this as "I am not lovable".

This idea I thought was based on facts and I didn't realize that it was also based on immaturity. I have been without adult support since my mother got sick.  My dad took living in the present to a whole new level more like out of sight out of mind. I didn't mind and knew how to take care of myself.  The only problem was that my expectations of life and dealing with people stayed from that eight year old perspective. 

It didn't help that I am strong and appear confident even though inside I am sensitive and can see and feel every emotion in any person around me. If your sad then I am sad. I think this is something I was born with I can also see motives behind emotions. The subtle manipulation between people even if they don't realize it themselves.   

I stayed true to myself until I ended up in a bad situation when my dad remarried. I am smart and realized I had to become who she wanted me to be to survive. It worked to begin with but then as with all sick people the rules changed and I could not keep up. At 14 I became seriously depressed and slept when I was going to school or doing chores. 

This was the eight year old in me trying to survive.  I felt trapped in this sadness and my life was a prison. I did try to escape but I was too young and I was brought back and the situation got worse. This was the beginning of my feeling shut down and I have repeated this situation with all my adult relationships.

When your in a situation where there isn't any way out your mind just blows a casket. For my own analytical mind it just kept looking for a solution a way out. This was the first time I thought it would be easier not to be alive. I never acted on this because I really felt too paralyzed to do anything. 

I felt totally trapped with no way out of my own misery. I have felt that feeling my whole life like I am not where I should be and worse I am not like other people who can just mindlessly go through life not thinking about too much.  

When I have been in relationships I felt stuck and stagnant doing routine things that felt like a weight tied around my neck under water. I tried to speak up but everybody liked that I was taking care of them and I liked feeling needed. Nobody thanked me for my service and the eight year old was expecting something in return. 

I can do a lot and I enjoy doing it but I also get tired and any routine is the death of me. I have wanted love all my life and I have experienced it but it felt conditional. Life is conditional is what I wish my eight year old understood all those years. You should do what you want and either people love you or not.

You can't do this until you know your own worth. I needed to be needed to prove to myself that I was lovable. This wasn't love it was other people being happy to have me do everything for them who wouldn't? Don't get me wrong I have been loved and I was the one who gave them everything without demanding anything in return. I was earning their love. 

I have always felt like a servant in my relationships when I wasn't performing then support and love was withdrawn. As an eight year old I blamed myself for not being good enough and tried to make myself better never realizing that this does not work. 

I have been happy for awhile now an only recently have felt a since of true freedom. Taking care of myself for myself and only interacting with people that love me "just the way I am". 

My job gives me the opportunity to do for other and get paid.  Even with that I don't take on anyone that doesn't at least respect my time and energy. This has made me much happier and the kind of customers that end up with me are happier too. 

I will say that I didn't know I was trying to buy love in my relationships.  I just thought I love these people and I want to take care of them.  Even when they stopped being worthy of my love. That is hard to write but it is true everyone doesn't deserve my love and attention. I can be kind but I can draw the line when it is warranted. 

This has turned into a long complicated post but it feels right to share this today. I want to let you know that we have all been selfish and self absorbed just trying to sort out the overwhelming sadness our eight year old self feels inside. 

I have ask myself a million times "what is wrong with you?"  I thought it was something to be fixed and it really has come down to immaturity. I have worked hard to looked at my beliefs about myself and ask myself where they came from and if they are really true now.

I also can look back and see all that I have contributed throughout my life and be proud of those things. Today I tried to encourage people that cross my path. I don't accept the pain of others as my own anymore. I can love them from afar if I need and be there as an adult without strings attached.

Dark night of the soul - starting again - who am I now? exhausted

I wrote a post yesterday that didn't make the cut so here I am today.  I listened to a message today that I felt brought up some things for me.  It was really about suffering and the growth that occurs during suffering.  When I had my "dark night of the soul" a glamorous way of describing an emotional breakdown I had to decide where to go from there.

I wish I could describe the freedom I felt when I finally let go of the outcome of my situation and accepted my state of mind. I was trying so hard to not feel bad and trying to be the person I was before that I was exhausted day and night. I was barely operating and I was amazed the not too many people really noticed or maybe they did by mostly avoiding me.

When something rocks your world for me it was the loss of the life I thought I would have it can be too much. It manifests itself spiritually, physically and emotionally. It is a deep sadness that goes beyond emotion to the point of feeling nothing. 

The coping skills I used in the past didn't work anymore.  I couldn't be busy enough, work harder or even use the spiritual search to get through it this time. It terrified me and in the morning I would look in the mirror and did not recognize the person staring back at me.

I thought I was unique in this experience but this is a story of many spiritual seekers the absence of faith and what to do with this emptiness. The desperate need to be rescued when you are at your bottom and you feel abandoned by everything that feels familiar. Where are you God?

I didn't really have the strength to believe in anything. I had to just let go and quit trying or believing and I had to quit running. I remember the day it happened to me a calmness came over me. I surrendered to who I had become in that moment. I thought "okay this is who you are now so just accept it" I immediately felt relief from trying to fix myself. I started just walking through each day without expectation.

It was a long walk and it changed me forever. I am not the person I was before because I can see that all the things that I thought were important don't really matter. When I had dinner with my neighbor it made me realize I am no longer interested in seeking anything but peace. I am not looking for the for the meaning of life. 

All I could think was "I use to be that person but she is gone" I don't miss her because I know it was me that was seeking something more than those things and I have found that for myself. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger and happier if you let it. I had to stop trying not to feel bad it was the resisting that really hurt.  

The mind gets locked into "I don't want to feel this way" I rejected every part of my life during my dark night of the soul. I didn't take care of myself while I was resisting. When I let go I slowly came back to life and started to love and take of myself. I am changed forever and find it hard to relate to the things people worry about today but I know I am complete and whole from my experience. 

If you feel like you are alone in your sadness and suffering don't give up hope. It is in the struggle to remain the person you were before that drives the suffering. It is the running that drives addiction of all kinds. We have to stop running and turnaround and face the enemy in our thoughts. 

We have to face the false beliefs we have about ourselves and see them for what they are lies we have been listening to all our lives. It is our belief in these lies that keep us stuck and once we are stuck our minds just wants to go there. To a place that is familiar a suffering that is familiar. The thought that "I am broken and can't be fixed" this is where we feel the most comfortable. We can choose to be the past or we can choose to start again this moment and be who we want to be. 

Avoiding Suffering - Finding Joy

My mind is always trying to simplify things which is different than it use to be when complicated thinking kept me from living my life. I was always out there in the future or worse reliving the past over and over trying to gleam some knowledge that would help me avoid some future disaster.  Did this work?

This is a laughable question.  We think we can out think life and prepare for what could be coming but what happens is something that wasn't on the list at all. We think with self improvement we can spot our own flaws and avoid the same mistakes twice.  Does this work?

This another laughable question. I blame my analytical mind for wasting most of my life trying to solve the puzzle of  human existence. I thought if I tried hard enough I could avoid repeating the mistakes of others and repeating my own mistakes and avoid suffering. 

When something unexpected either something small like a bad day at work or something big like loss of someone you love it feels personal. In my own life I took it personally but even worse I felt responsible and didn't have the maturity to see that it wasn't something I had done. Thanks to my upbringing I thought when my mother died God was punishing me for not being a perfect. I was strong willed and I needed to be to change this seemed logical to me.

Then I got a new mother and she hated me and treated me with constant disdain. I tried to be good but nothing I did was good enough. I did everything as perfectly as I could but I was not lovable.  I didn't belong so I left.  I jumped into any relationship that made me feel secure even for a moment. I attracted those that wanted to possess me this made me feel loved and protected. Like me they all had the same problem of not being enough. 

I looked every where for  the part I thought I had missing. I never found a place where I fit. I couldn't accept the failings of my life and of my relationships. The Al-Anon program taught about acceptance and I accepted the shortcomings of other but not myself. I knew if I worked harder I could get the life that played out in my head. 

My failures intersected a decade ago when I  lost everything that I thought defined me. I had done everything to the best of my ability and it hadn't worked. I had no where to go and my mind could not grasp the situation and it broke. I had nothing left to begin again.  

After a lifetime the person I had been was gone. I fought hard at first to pretend I was still there but this made me feel worse.  Finally I heard "let go" and I did.  I thought at that moment I would die but it was quite the opposite I felt nothing. The whirling thoughts in my mind disappeared and it was quiet for the first time. It felt weird with nothing there but I got use to it and then I started to enjoy it.

I told myself "okay this is who you are now - it isn't so bad" I had no labels for myself that I had to live up to. At the time I didn't even imagine a future for myself. I just stayed where I was until I eventually moved on. First small things caught my attention while things that I use to love faded altogether. Without much effort mainly just in time I became a new person or who I was beneath all the along.

Today I am happy and I don't waste time scolding myself for my flaws. I also know that I will face what ever comes when it gets here. The future is unknown and only our ability to bounce back is important.  We can't live happy lives if we are always bracing ourselves for the worse.  We will miss the joy today has to offer us and see the people that may not be part of our lives in the future. 

This is something I do regret about my constant forward and future motion I missed the real moments life had to offer.  I spent my waking hours focused on the future and the pain I carried with me instead of just being there. Nothing stays the same as time marches on so love moments instead of planning a future that is only in your mind. The future is today. 

This is a time of year that we celebrate miracles and I consider myself a miracle. I did not believe that I could be happy again. I didn't know that I could start the day singing and not just surviving. I am grateful for my journey even though I lost a lot years.  I don't plan on losing another day on the future. 

Moving on - Do you really want to know or are you just being polite?

I am having a hard time today.  I sent a text that will end a relationship with someone I was doing business with personally. I have been thinking about it for a few weeks now and know that it will come as a surprise to them. As I mentioned in a previous post I got a text the day the capitol was attacked saying glory to God and that the guys doing it were not real citizens but hired by the government. That now history has been made and the election was truly stolen and he was forced to give that speech. 

This was so sad for me at the time and I really didn't know how to react. I don't understand how people can even try to bring God or Jesus into the political hate being spread. I can only sum it up to the situation at hand with everyone afraid and lonely wanting to be on the right side of something. We want someone to blame for what is happening. We can't blame a disease if we pick an enemy and God is on our side we can live feeling secure. Just like the movies they are bad we are good.

I wanted to say a lot of things but I do believe people are entitled to whatever beliefs they want to have unless it affects me personally like trying to over throw the government.  I also believe it is my right to spend my money where I want to spend it. You can't convince another person they are wrong if they are dug in.  I like what Al-Anon teaches attraction not promotion.

In this case I did feel that I had to express my sadness that so many people have been deceived by a man that promotes only hate and would rather try to end democracy to keep from looking like a loser. In the text I did say that I did trust God and Christ's message of love for everyone. I thanked them for their talents and wished them the best.

It was hard for me to send this message but I am at peace with it.  I have used their service for a year giving support towards a business that has been hit hard by covid but I think it was time for me to move on. I live mostly surrounded by people with opposite views from me and they all assume I am just like them. This is fine unless they ask me specifically what I think. I usually ask them "do you really want to know or are you just being polite?"

I have learned to stand up for my beliefs. I was stifled first by my parents who said I ask to many questions. Then my stepmother where any honest word would result in some kind of punishment and of course the alcoholic.  I didn't want to start a war and in the end I was scared I would get physically hurt.

I never pick a fight because I understand the motives of others really have nothing to do with the current situation. They have been formed over many years just like me and carry baggage just like me. I accept where they are coming from until it gets personal and then I have to calmly stand up for myself.

With years of practice I bring peace to where ever I am and this calms people down. I have worked hard to not take things personally and I have worked hard to communicate how I feel when someone crosses a line.